The Deer And The Cauldron 39

The Deer And The Cauldron 39
第三十九回　先生乐事行如栉 小子浮踪寄若萍

Chapter 24

In which Trinket returns in Triumph to the City of his Youth, and ends up in a very Large Bed with several Delectable Ladies all at the same time; the Rebellion of the Three Feudatories finally breaks out; and Trinket is summoned back to Court

The Fair City of Yangzhou’ of Peonies and other Flowers- Trinket back in the Alley-Mother and Son Reunited-A Strange Brotherhood-Even Stranger Womenfolk–Roll-Call–One Touch Here, One Touch There-Bedstead on the March-Bedstead Pandemonium-Charges of Treason- Doublet seeks Revenge-Writing a Letter-Trinket works Fast-Spring Fragrance the Sceptic

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The Fair City of Yangzhou’ of Peonies and other Flowers

沿途官员迎送，贿赂从丰。韦小宝自然来者不拒，迤逦南下，行李日重。跟天地会兄弟们说起，说道我们败坏鞑子的吏治，贿赂收得越多，百姓越是抱怨，各地官员名声不好，将来起兵造反，越易成功。徐天川等深以为然。
As Trinket continued his journey southwards, his progress was greatly impeded by the need to humour the local officials along his route, all of whom were anxious to ply him with banquets and weigh him down with bribes. Trinket was never one to refuse a gift, and he succeeded in justifying this to his Triad Brothers by saying that the more bribes he accepted, the more odious the local officials would appear in the eyes of the populace, and the more resources he would have to contribute to the eventual popular uprising the Triads still had in mind against the Manchus. Apothecary Xu and the others were deeply impressed by their Lodge Master’s strategic foresight and financial acumen.

不一日来到扬州。两江总督麻勒吉、江宁巡抚马佑以下，布政使、按察使、学政、淮扬道、粮道、河工道、扬州府知府、江都县知县以及各级武官，早已得讯，迎出数里之外。
They finally reached the bustling city of Yangzhou, from which (it will be remembered) our hero set off at the very beginning of our tale. On that occasion he had been not much more than a boy, and had been obliged to leave the city of his birth under extremely different circumstances, accompanied, not by a regiment of Imperial troops (and a detachment of Triad Brothers in disguise), but by a single person-Whiskers Mao. For Trinket it was, as Kang Xi had anticipated, a splendid home’coming, although none of the welcoming party had the slightest inkling of the fact that they were receiving back into their bosom one of the borough’s most distinguished sons. The entire corps of the local mandarinate turned out for the occasion, including Malji, the Manchu Viceroy of the Three Provinces of Jiangsu, Anhui, and Jiangxi; Ma You, Governor of Jiangsu Province, based in the Provincial Capital Nanking; Mu Tianyan, the Provincial Treasurer; the Censor, and Literary Chancellor, the Intendants of the various local districts, the Grain Supervisors, the River Conservancy Supervisor, the Prefect of the Municipality of Yangzhou proper, the District Magistrate of the Yangzhou District of Jiangdu, and sundry military mandarins of every rank. They were all lined up several miles outside the city gates to welcome the Emperor’s Special Envoy, Lord Wei.

钦差行辕设在淮扬道道台衙门，韦小宝觉得太过拘束，只住得一晚，便对道台说要另搬地方。他想行辕所在，最妙不过便是在旧居丽春院中，钦赐衣锦荣归，自是以回去故居最为风光。但钦差大臣将行辕设在妓院，毕竟说不过去，寻思当日在扬州之时，所怀抱的雄心大志，除了开几家大妓院之外，便是将禅智寺前芍药圃中的芍药花尽数连根拔起。
His Temporary Quarters (furnished to the level of luxury appropriate for a representative of His Imperial Majesty) had been set up outside the yamen of the Intendant for the Circuit of Huaiyang, the larger administrative area made up of the twin Zhejiang boroughs of Huaian and Yangzhou. Trinket found the place altogether too formal and constricting, and had a word with the Intendant, expressing his desire to move elsewhere. In the back of his mind was the thought of setting himself up in his childhood home, the Vernal Delights bordello. But on reflection he decided it might not be quite appropriate for an Imperial Envoy to be billeted with singsong-girls?”And then another childhood memory beganto stir. He remembered how, as a small boy, one of his great dreams (apart from the main one, of setting himself up as the proprietor of a plush whore-house) had been to rip out every single one of the peonies growing in the great ornamental flowerbed outside the Zen temple known as the Shrine of Enlightenment a mile or two east of Yangzhou, a temple made famous by the lines it inspired from the great Tang poet Du Mu, under the title ‘The Shrine of Enlightenment’.

杜牧《题扬州禅智寺》：雨过一蝉噪， 飘萧松桂秋。青苔满阶砌，白鸟故迟留。暮霭生深树，斜阳下小楼。谁知竹西路，歌吹是扬州。
After rain-the call of a single cicada;
The wind soughs through fine and cassia;
Green moss grows on the stone steps;
White birds loiter, loth to go.
Evening mists enfold the trees,
The sun aslant on little towers.
Who knows the road to Zhuxi?
Song and music are Yangzhou.

扬州芍药，擅名天下，禅智寺前的芍药圃尤其宏伟，名种千百，花大如碗。韦小宝在十岁那一年上，曾和一群顽童前去游玩，见芍药开得美丽，折了两朵拿在手中玩耍，给庙中和尚见到了，夺下花朵，还打了他两个耳括子。韦小宝又踢又咬，跟那和尚打闹起来，给那胖大和尚推在地下，踢了几脚。众顽童一哄而前，乱拔芍药。那和尚叫嚷起来，寺里涌出一群和尚与火工，手执棍棒，将众顽童赶开。
The Peonies of Yangzhou have always been renowned throughout China for their beauty. And the peonies growing outside this particular temple were among the most famous of all, for the sheer size of their blooms, and for their extraordinary variety. One day, when he was a boy of ten or so, Trinket had been mucking around with some of his ragamuffin friends in the vicinity of the temple, and seeing some pretty flowers had picked a couple of blooms and made off with them. One of the monks saw him doing this, hastened to retrieve the flowers, and gave Trinket a good box on the ears. Trinket gave as good as he got, kicking and biting his fat assailant and generally tussling with him until finally he had him down on the ground, and was able to land him a few well’aimed kicks. His ragged comrades now came surging forward, and set to with a vengeance on the rest of the peonies, uprooting them left, right, and centre. The monk began yelling for help, and soon a throng of Zen clerics emerged from the temple, reinforced by a number of gardeners and other menials, all of them armed with clubs. They succeeded in chasing away the young hooligans.

韦小宝因是祸首，身上着实吃了不少棍棒，头上肿起了一个大块，回到丽春院，又给母亲罚一餐没饭吃。虽然他终于到厨房中偷吃了一个饱，但对“禅智寺采花受辱”这一役却引以奇耻。次日来到寺前，隔得远远的破口大骂，从如来佛的妈妈直骂到和尚的女儿，宣称：“终有一日，老子要拔光这庙前的芍药，把你这座臭庙踏为平地，掘成粪坑”，直骂到庙中和尚追将出来、他拔足飞奔为止。
Trinket came out of it with bruises all over his body and a big bump on his head, and when he finally made it home, his mother gave him a good scolding and made him go without his supper (although he did manage to sneak a steamed bun from the whore’house kitchen). The whole episode was deeply and painfully imprinted on his young mind. The following day he had returned to the temple and had shouted all manner of abuse at the monks, reviling everyone he could think of, from Buddha’s mother to the monk’s love-children, swearing loudly and publicly that he would ‘be back one day, to rip up every single peony in front of their foul, putrid pigsty of a temple, and then flatten the place to the ground and leave nothing but a hole for dumping shit in!’ His catalogue of threats only came to an end when the monks emerged again from the temple and chased him away.

过得数年，这件事早就忘了，这日回到扬州，要觅地作为行辕，这才想起禅智寺来，当下跟淮扬道道台说了，有心去作践一番。那道台寻思：“禅智寺是佛门胜地，千年古刹。钦差住了进去，只怕搅得一塌胡涂。”说道：“回大人：那禅智寺风景当真极佳，大人高见，卑职钦佩之至。不过在庙里动用荤酒，恐怕不甚方便。”韦小宝道：“有甚么不便？把庙里的菩萨搬了出去，也就是了。”
The years went by, and Trinket had forgotten all about the temple and its peonies. But now it all came back, and he felt a powerful urge to install himself there in his new incarnation- Urchin Metamorphosed into Imperial Envoy. He would have his revenge. He duly suggested this new choice of locale to his present host, the Huaiyang Circuit Intendant, who (needless to say) was horrified at the thought of polluting the purity of the famous Zen precinct with the large quantities of Red Dust that inevitably followed in the train of a large official delegation such as Lord Wei’s. He expressed this concern of his, and Trinket’s proposed solution was that in order to preserve the Buddhist inmates from the Red Dust the Intendant should evacuate all the Buddhist paraphernalia- statues of Buddha, altars, monks, everything-for the entire duration of his stay. In other words, he thought gleefully to himself, kick them all out! The Intendant searched feverishly for some way of distracting his distinguished visitor from this potentially of sacrilegious course of action. ‘Lord Wei, I really feel the temple might not be the most appropriate place for you to pass your days in our city-days which I trust will be filled with all sorts of pleasure-‘ ‘What do you mean, not appropriate? And what sort of pleasure do you have in mind?’

那道台听说要搬菩萨，更吓了一跳，心想这可要闯出祸来，扬州城里众百姓如动了公愤，那可难以处理，当下陪笑请了个安，低声道：“回大人：扬州烟花，那是天下有名的。大人一路上劳苦功高，来到敝处，卑职自当尽心服侍，已挑了不少善于弹琴唱曲的美貌妞儿，供大人赏鉴。和尚庙里硬床硬板凳，只怕煞风景得很。”韦小宝心想倒也有理，笑道：“依你说，那行辕设在何处才是？”那道台道：“扬州盐商有个姓何的，他家的何园，称为扬州名园第一。他有心巴结钦差大人，早就预备得妥妥帖帖，盼望大人光临。只是他功名太小，不敢出口。大人若不嫌弃，不妨移驾过去瞧瞧。”这姓何的盐商家财豪富，韦小宝幼时常在他家高墙外走过，听到墙里传出丝竹之声，十分羡慕，只是从无机缘进去望上一眼，当下便道：“好啊，这就去住上几天，倘若住得不适意，咱们再搬便是。扬州盐商多，咱们挨班儿住过去，吃过去，也吃不穷了他们。”
‘Well, Your Lordship, the accommodations in the temple are somewhat austere, the beds, shall we say, a trifle on the hard side. We had in mind introducing you during your stay to one or two of our more delectable singsong’girls, whose skill as … er … musical entertainers has earned such fame for our city.’Trinket was beginning to see a certain logic in this line of thinking.Well, where do you suggest I go then?”If I may be so bold, Your Lordship, one of our city’s most prominent salt’merchants, a certain Mr Ho, possesses a garden which ranks among Yangzhou’s finest. He has agreed to put this garden of his entirely at your disposal.’Now even as a young boy Trinket had heard of this gentleman and his fabulous wealth. Indeed he had several times passed by the walls of his mansion, and had heard the sweet strains of music emanating from within. How often he had dreamed (idle, boyish dreams) of one day having a chance to potter around inside that luxurious world! And now that very chance was being handed him on a plate! ‘Very well’ he replied, affecting a nonchalant air. ‘I suppose I’ll give it a try. If it doesn’t seem quite right, I can always move somewhere else. After all, there are plenty of other rich salt-merchants in Yangzhou.’

那何园栋宇连云，泉石幽曲，亭舍雅致，建构精美，一看便知每一尺土地上都花了不少黄金白银。韦小宝大为称意，吩咐亲兵随从都住入园中。张勇等四将率领官兵，分驻附近官舍民房。
On arrival, Trinket found the Ho Garden to be the very picture of the old’style gentleman’s pleasure’garden, laid out with the most delightful pavilions and walkways, quaint little nooks and exquisitely conceived vistas, interspersed with ornamental rocks in all sorts of fascinating shapes and sizes, the whole ensemble enlivened with the gurgling waters of spring and pond. It was clear at first glance that a fortune had been lavished on the conception and execution of this masterpiece of landscape design. Trinket was ecstatic in his praise of the garden, and promptly gave orders for his entire retinue to install themselves within it.

其时扬州繁华，甲于天下。唐时便已有“十里珠帘，二十四桥风月”之说。到得清初，淮盐集散于斯，更是兴旺。据史籍所载，明末扬州府属共三十七万五千余丁（十六岁以上的男子），明清之际，扬州惨遭清兵屠戮，顺治三年只剩九千三百二十丁，但到康熙六年，又增至三十九万七千九百余丁，不但元气已完全恢复，且更胜于昔日。
Yangzhou had always been famous as a city of opulence and elegance. In this respect it held the prize among Chinese cities. Already in the golden age of the Tang and Song dynasties, the poets sang of its ‘mile upon mile of pearly blinds’, its ‘twenty’four bridges . . . beneath the bright moon’. In the early years of the Manchu dynasty, large numbers of rich salt’merchants from the central Huai River region (who made their fortunes from the salt monopoly) settled in Yangzhou, and it grew more prosperous than ever. Many of these merchants used their wealth to create fabulous gardens, and Mr Ho was one of the wealthiest of them all.

次日清晨，扬州城中大小官员排班到钦差行辕来参见。韦小宝接见后，宣读圣旨。他不识康熙上谕上的字，早叫师爷教了念熟，这时一个字一个字背将出来，总算记心甚好，倒也没有背错，匆忙中将上谕倒拿了，旁人也没发觉。众官员听得皇帝下旨豁免扬州府所属各县三年钱粮，还要抚恤开国时兵灾灾户的孤寡，兴建忠烈祠祭祀史可法等忠臣，无不大呼万岁，叩谢皇恩浩荡。
The following morning, at first light, a procession of every local mandarin-of high, middling, and low rank-was queuing up outside the Ho Garden to present their respects to Lord Wei. Once he had received them all, Trinket recited the Imperial Edict aloud (not being able to read the actual words himself, he had been obliged to leam it by heart, with the help of one of his more educated colleagues). His memory served him well enough, and he was able to get through from the beginning to the end of the Edict without any major mishaps (unless one counts as a mishap the fact that he was holding the scroll itself upside down-but nobody appeared to notice that).The assembled officials ‘were delighted at die Edict’s contents’ remission of taxes for three years, special financial assistance for orphans of the Yangzhou ‘troubles’, and construction of a memorial temple for Shi Kefa the Martyr. They all applauded the Manchu Emperor’s compassion and magnanimity.

韦小宝宣旨已毕，说道：“众位大人，兄弟出京之时，皇上吩咐，江苏一省出产殷富，可是近年来吏治松弛，兵备也不整饬，命兄弟好好查察整顿。皇上对扬州百姓这么爱惜，咱们居官的，该当尽心竭力，报答圣恩才是。”文武百官齐声称是，不由得都暗暗发愁。其实这几句话是索额图教他的。韦小宝知道想贿赂收得多，第一是要对方有所求，第二是要对方有所忌，因此对江苏文武官员恐吓一番，势不可免，只不过这番话要说得不轻不重，恰到好处，又要文绉绉的官腔十足，却非请教索额图不可了。官样文章做过，自有当地官员去择地兴建忠烈祠，编造应恤灾户名册，差人前赴四乡，宣谕皇上豁免钱粮的德音。这些事情非一朝一夕所能办妥，这段时候，便是让他在扬州这销金窝里享福了。
Trinket followed up the reading of the Edict with a few casually dropped (and none too subtle) hints about ‘certain shortcomings that had come to light’ in the civil and military administration of the Yangzhou area, hints which were designed to sow seeds of fear in the minds of the local mandarins, and which were intended to generate a correspondingly large flow of bribes in his direction. This had been his friend Songgotu’s idea.

此后数日之中，总督、巡抚设宴，布政司、按察司设宴，诸道设宴，自是陈列方丈，罗列珍馐，极尽豪奢，不在话下。每日里韦小宝都想去丽春院探望母亲，只是酬酢无虚，始终不得其便。钦差大人的母亲在扬州做妓女，这件事可万万揭穿不得。丢脸出丑事小，失了朝廷体统事大，何况韦小宝做大官已久，一直不接母亲赴京享福，任由她沦落风尘，实是大大的不孝，给御史参上一本，连皇帝也难以祐护。心想只好等定了下来，悄悄换了打扮，去丽春院瞧瞧，然后命亲兵把母亲送回北京安居，务须做得神不知、鬼不觉才是。以前他一直打的是足底抹油的主意，一见风声不对，立刻快马加鞭，逃之夭夭，不料官儿越做越大，越做越开心，这时竟想到要接母回京，那是有意把这官儿长做下去了。
The subsequent days were spent by Trinket being lavishly wined and dined at every yamen in the city. His official programme was so full that at first he was unable to find time for his own private mission’ to visit Vernal Delights and seek out his own mother. He obviously could not do this openly; an Imperial Envoy could hardly pay an ordinary courtesy call on his mother if that mother happened to be a singsong’girl working in a whore’house. Quite apart from the general disgrace it would bring on himself and the Court, Trinket might actually be impeached by some meddling Censor for lack of filial devotion if it ever came to light that during all these years he had never once sent for his old mum to come up and share a little of his success in the Capital, but had left her to moulder her life away in the pleasure quarters of a provincial city. Not even Kang Xi could save him then. No, what he envisaged was a private little incognito reconnaissance visit, after which he could find a way to move his mum to Peking and set her up somewhere in style. But it had to be done with the utmost discretion. He was much too prominent now to be able to risk doing things in the casual style of his former escapades.

过得数日，这一日是扬州府知府吴之荣设宴，为钦差洗尘。吴之荣从道台那里听到，钦差曾有以禅智寺为行辕之意，心想禅智寺的精华，不过是寺前一个芍药圃，钦差大人属意该寺，必是喜欢赏花。他善于逢迎，早于数日之前，便在芍药圃畔搭了一个花棚，是命高手匠人以不去皮的松树搭成，树上枝叶一仍如旧，棚内桌椅皆用天然树石，棚内种满花木青草，再以竹节引水，流转棚周，淙淙有声，端的是极见巧思，饮宴其间，便如是置身山野一般，比之富贵人家雕梁玉砌的华堂，又是别有一般风味。
A few days later, the Prefect of the City of Yangzhou itself, Wu Zhirong, laid on a very special welcoming banquet for Trinket. He had come up in the world as a result of his sinister role denouncing the Ming History scholars, an earlier episode narrated at some length in the Prologue to our story. Having heard from the Circuit Intendant that the Imperial Envoy had expressed an interest in staying at the Zen Shrine of Enlightenment, Wu had gone to enormous lengths to construct-right beside the famous peony beds in front of the temple-an extraordinary and most fantastic environment in which to entertain his distinguished guest. The structure of this innovative ‘marquee’ was made from pine trunks complete with their bark (indeed complete with their every branch and needle), and within this forest’structure were placed tables and chairs made from logs and rocks of the most ingeniously contrived ‘naturalness’, interspersed with flowers and plants of every hue and variety. Bamboo conduits carried gurgling rivulets of water between the various parts of this installation. It was all most intricate and ingenious. To eat within it was like going on some extravagant picnic in the wilds of nature. It made the luxurious pavilions and jade balustrades of the typical salt-merchant’s garden seem positively banal and ordinary.

哪知韦小宝是个庸俗不堪之人，周身没半根雅骨，来到花棚，第一句便问：“怎么有个凉棚？啊，是了，定是庙里和尚搭来做法事的，放了焰口，便在这里施饭给饿鬼吃。”吴之荣一番心血，全然白用了，不由得脸色十分尴尬，还道钦差大臣有意讽刺，只得陪笑道：“卑职见识浅陋，这里布置不当大人的意，实在该死。”韦小宝见众宾客早就肃立恭候，招呼了便即就座。那两江总督与韦小宝应酬了几日，已回江宁治所。江苏省巡抚、布政司等的治所在苏州，这时都留在扬州，陪伴钦差大臣。其余宾客不是名士，便是有功名顶戴的盐商。
All of this was utterly lost on Trinket, who was a connoisseur of nothing (except perhaps of his own particular art of skulduggery). His first remark on entering Prefect Wu’s pleasure’dome was’ ‘I suppose this weird place must be where the monks come to feed the Hungry Ghosts of the Dead.’ Prefect Wu looked more than a little crestfallen. He expressed his regrets that his creation had fallen short, and had failed to please the Imperial Envoy. Malji, the Manchu Viceroy, had already spent several days entertaining Trinket, and had by now returned to his administrative seat in the nearby city of Nanking. As for other senior officials, such as the Provincial Governor Ma You, and Mu Tianyan, the Provincial Treasurer, whose residences were in Suzhou, they had stayed on in Yangzhou to wait upon their distinguished guest and were present on this occasion, together with a selection of Yangzhou’s most illustrious scholars and salt-merchants.

扬州的筵席十分考究繁富，单是酒席之前的茶果细点，便有数十种之多，韦小宝虽是本地土生，却也不能尽识。喝了一会茶，日影渐渐西斜。日光照在花棚外数千株芍药之上，璀灿华美，真如织锦一般。韦小宝却越看越生气，想起当年被寺中僧人殴辱之恨，登时便想将所有芍药尽数拔起来烧了，只是须得想个藉口，才好下手。
Yangzhou cuisine is famous for its rich variety, and especially for the wonderful array of hors’d’oeuvres-both sweet and savoury-that accompany the earlier stages of any banquet. Though himself born and bred in Yangzhou, Trinket now found himself tasting many local delicacies he had never encountered in his youth. As the guests drank their tea and nibbled their sweetmeats, die evening drew on and the sun began to set. The magnificent bed of peonies visible just outside the ‘marquee’ glowed like a stretch of richly embroidered brocade. But it was a spectacle that aroused in Trinket’s breast feelings not of aesthetic delight but of intense personal resentment, dating back to his childhood scrape with the monks. Now was his chance for revenge, he thought to himself. He could have the entire confounded bed of peonies dug up and burnt! But he needed some sort of pretext.

正寻思间，巡抚马佑笑道：“韦大人，听大人口音，似乎也在淮扬一带住过的。淮扬水土厚，因此既出人才，也产好花。”众官只知钦差是正黄旗满洲人，那巡抚这几日听他说话，颇有扬州乡音，于是乘机捧他一捧。
Even as he was brooding over this, he heard the Provincial Governor’s voice purring at his side: ‘Your Excellency, I do believe I detect a touch of the Yangzhou accent in your intonation. Ours is indeed a rich and wonderful region, to produce not only such a wide variety of natural products, but also such a rich crop of great human talents to match them- persons such as your distinguished self.’ Governor Ma had spent quite some time with Trinket over the past few days, and had indeed detected the remains of a Yangzhou twang, a hangover from his childhood that all Trinket’s years in the Palace had failed to obliterate. Others simply thought of the Envoy as a pampered Peking Manchu of the Plain Yellow Banner. The Governor knew better, and was now seeking to ingratiate himself by demonstrating this knowledge of his.

韦小宝正在想着禅智寺的僧人可恶，脱口而出：“扬州就是和尚不好。”巡抚一怔，不明他真意何指。布政司慕天颜是个乖觉而有学识之人，接口道：“韦大人所见甚是，扬州的和尚势利，奉承官府，欺辱穷人，那是自古已然。”韦小宝大喜，笑道：“是啊，慕大人是读书人，知道书上写得有的。”慕天颜道：“唐朝王播碧纱笼的故事，不就是出在扬州的吗？”韦小宝最爱听故事，忙问：“甚么‘黄布比沙龙’的故事。”慕天颜道：“这故事就出在扬州石塔寺。唐朝乾元年间，那石塔寺叫作木兰院，诗人王播年轻时家中贫穷……”韦小宝心想：“原来这人名叫王播，不是一块黄布。”听他续道：“……在木兰院寄居。庙里和尚吃饭时撞钟为号，王播听到钟声，也就去饭堂吃饭。和尚们讨厌他，有一次大家先吃饭，吃完了饭再撞钟。王播听到钟声，走进饭堂，只见僧众早已散去，饭菜已吃得干干净净……”

韦小宝在桌上一拍，怒道：“他妈的和尚可恶。”慕天颜道：“是啊，吃一餐饭，费得几何？当时王播心中惭愧，在壁上题诗道：‘上堂已了各西东，惭愧迴黎饭后钟。’”韦小宝问道：“‘迴黎’是甚么家伙？”众官和他相处多日，知道这位钦差大人不是读书人，旗下的功名富贵多不从读书而来，也不以为奇。慕天颜道：“迴黎就是和尚了。”韦小宝点头道：“原来就是贼秃。后来怎样？”慕天颜道：“后来王播做了大官，朝廷派他镇守扬州，他又到木兰院去。那些和尚自然对他大为奉承。他去瞧瞧当年墙上所题的诗还在不在，只见墙上粘了一块名贵的碧纱，将他题的两句诗笼了起来，以免损坏。王播很是感慨，在后面又续了两句诗道：‘三十年前尘土面，如今始得碧纱笼。’”韦小宝道：“他定是把那些贼秃捉来大打板子了？”慕天颜道：“王播是风雅之士，想来题两句诗稍示讥讽，也就算了。”韦小宝心道：“倘若是我，哪有这么容易罢手的？不过要我题诗，可也没有这本事。老子只会拉屎，不会题诗。”

说了一会故事，撤茶斟酒。韦小宝四下张望，隔座见王进宝一口一杯，喝得甚是爽快，心念一动，说道：“王将军，你曾说战马吃了芍药，那就特别雄壮，是不是？”一面说，一面大做眼色。王进宝不明其意，说道：“这个……”韦小宝道：“皇上选用名种好马，甚么蒙古马、西域马、川马、滇马，皇上都吩咐咱们要小心饲养，是不是？”康熙着意于蓄马，王进宝是知道的，便道：“大人说得是。”韦小宝道：“你熟知马性，在北京之时，你说如给战马吃了芍药，奔跑起来便快上一倍。皇上这般爱马，咱们做奴才的，自该上仰圣意。如把这里的芍药花掘起来送去京师，交给兵部车驾司喂马，皇上得知，必定龙颜大悦。”众人一听，个个神色十分古怪，芍药花能壮马，倒是第一次听见，瞧王进宝唯唯否否的模样，显是不以为然，只是不敢公然驳回而已。但韦小宝开口皇上，闭口皇上，抬出皇帝这顶大帽子来，又有谁敢稍示异议？眼见这千余株名种芍药要尽毁于他手，扬州从此少了一个名胜，却不知这位韦大人何以如此痛恨这些芍药？人人面面相觑，说不出话来。

知府吴之荣道：“韦大人学识渊博，真是教人敬佩。这芍药根叫做赤芍，《本草纲目》中是有的，说道功能去瘀活血。芍药的名称中有个‘药’字，可见古人就知它是良药。马匹吃了芍药，血脉畅通，自然奔驰如飞。大人回京之时，卑职派人将这里的芍药花都掘了，请大人带回京城。”众官一听，心中都暗骂吴之荣卑鄙无耻，为了迎逢上官，竟要毁去扬州的美景。韦小宝拍手笑道：“吴大人办事干练，好得很，好得很。”吴之荣大感荣幸，忙下座请安，说道：“谢大人夸奖。”布政司慕天颜走出花棚，来到芍药丛中，摘了一朵碗口大的芍药花，回入座中，双手呈给韦小宝，笑道：“请大人将这朵花插在帽上，卑职有个故事说给大人听。”韦小宝一听又有故事，便接过花来，只见那朵芍药瓣作深红，每一瓣花瓣拦腰有一条黄线，甚是娇艳，便插在帽上。慕天颜道：“恭喜大人，这芍药有个名称，叫作‘金带围’，乃是十分罕见的名种。古书上记载得有，见到这‘金带围’的，日后会做宰相。”

韦小宝笑道：“哪有这么准？”慕天颜道：“这故事出于北宋年间。那时韩魏公韩琦镇守扬州，就在这禅智寺前的芍药圃中，忽有一株芍药开了四朵大花，花瓣深红，腰有金线，便是这金带围了。这种芍药从所未有，极是珍异。下属禀报上去，韩魏公驾临观赏，十分喜欢，见花有四朵，便想再请三位客人，一同赏花。”韦小宝从帽上将花取下再看，果觉红黄相映，分外灿烂。那一条金色横纹，更是百花所无。慕天颜道：“那时在扬州有两名出名人物，一是王珪，一是王安石，都是大有才学见识之人。韩魏公心想，花有四朵，人只三个，未免美中不足，另外请一个人罢，名望却又配不上。正在踌躇，忽有一人来拜，却是陈升之，那也是一位大名士。韩魏公大喜，次日在这芍药圃前大宴，将四朵金带围摘了下来，每人头上簪了一朵。这故事叫做《四相簪花宴》，这四人后来都做了宰相。”

韦小宝笑道：“这倒有趣，这四位仁兄，都是有名的读书人，会做诗做文章，兄弟可比不上了。”慕天颜道：“那也不然。北宋年间，讲究读书人做宰相。我大清以马上得天下，皇上最看重的，却是有勇有谋的英雄好汉。”韦小宝听到“有勇有谋的英雄好汉”这九字评语，不由得大为欢喜，连连点头。慕天颜道：“韩魏公封为魏国公，那不用说了。王安石封荆国公，王珪封歧国公，陈升之封秀国公。四位名臣不但都做宰相，而且都封国公，个个既富贵，又寿考。韦大人少年早达，眼下已封了伯爵，再升一级，便是侯爵，再升上去，就是公爵了。就算封王、封亲王，那也是指日间的事。”韦小宝哈哈大笑，说道：“但愿如慕大人金口，这里每一位也都升官发财。”众官一齐站起，端起酒杯，说道：“恭贺韦大人加官晋爵，公侯万代。”

韦小宝站起身来，和众官干了一杯，心想：“这官儿既有学问，又有口才，会说故事，讨人喜欢。要是叫他到北京办事，时时听他说说故事，不强似说书先生吗？这人天生是马屁大王，取个名儿叫慕天颜，摆明了想朝见皇上。”慕天颜又道：“韩魏公后来带兵，镇守西疆。西夏人见了他怕得要死，不敢兴兵犯界。西夏人当时怕了宋朝两位大臣，一位就是韩魏公韩琦，另一位是范文正公范仲淹。当时有两句话道：‘军中有一韩，西贼闻之心胆寒，军中有一范，西贼闻之惊破胆。’将来韦大人带兵镇守西疆，那是‘军中有一韦，西贼见之忙下跪’！”

韦小宝大乐，说道：“‘西贼’两字妙得很，平西王这西……”忽然心想：“吴三桂还没起兵造反，可不能叫他‘西贼’，”忙改口道：“平西王镇守西疆，倒也太平无事，很有功劳。”吴之荣道：“平西王智勇双全，劳苦功高，爵封亲王，世子做了额驸。将来韦大人大富大贵，寿比南山，定然也跟平西王一般无异。”韦小宝心中大骂：“辣块妈妈，你要我跟吴三桂这大汉奸一般无异。这老乌龟指日就要脑袋搬家，你叫我跟他一样！”

慕天颜平日用心揣摩朝廷动向，日前见到邸报，皇上下了撤藩的意旨，便料到吴三桂要倒大霉，这时见韦小宝脸色略变，更是心中雪亮，说道：“韦大人是皇上亲手提拔的大臣，乃是圣上心腹之寄，朝廷柱石，国家栋梁。平西王目前虽然官爵高，终究是不能跟韦大人比的。吴府尊这个比喻，有点不大对。韦大人祖上，唐朝的忠武王韦臬，曾大破吐番兵四十八万，威震西陲。当年朱泚造反，派人邀韦忠武王一同起兵。忠武王对皇帝忠心不贰，哪肯做这等大逆不道之事？立刻将反贼的使者斩了，还发兵助朝廷打平反贼，立下大功。韦大人相貌堂堂，福气之大，无与伦比，想必是韦忠武王传下来的福泽。”韦小宝微笑点头。其实他连自己姓甚么也不知道，只因母亲叫作韦春芳，就跟了娘姓，想不到姓韦的还有这样一位大有来头人物，这布政司硬说是自己的祖先，那是硬要往自己脸上贴金；听他言中之意，居然揣摩到吴三桂要造反，这人的才智，也很了不起了。

吴之荣给慕天颜这么一驳，心中不忿，但不敢公然和上司顶撞，说道：“听说韦大人是正黄旗人。”言下之意自然是说：“他是满洲人，又怎能跟唐朝的韦臬拉得上干系？”慕天颜笑道：“吴府尊只知其一，不知其二。方今圣天子在位，对天下万民，一视同仁，满汉一家，又何必有畛域之见？”这几句话实在有些强辞夺理，吴之荣却不敢再辩，心想再多说得几句，说不定更会得罪钦差，当下连声称是。

慕天颜道：“平西王是咱们扬州府高邮人，吴府尊跟平西王可是一家吗？”吴之荣并非扬州高邮人，本来跟吴三桂没甚么干系，但其时吴三桂权势熏天，他趋焰附势，颇以姓吴为荣，说道：“照族谱的排行，卑职比平西王矮了一辈，该称王爷为族叔。”慕天颜点了点头，不再理他，向韦小宝道：“韦大人，这金带围芍药，虽然已不如宋时少见，如此盛开，却也异常难得。今日恰好在韦大人到来赏花时开放，这不是巧合，定是有天意的。卑职有一点小小意见，请大人定夺。”韦小宝道：“请老兄指教。”

慕天颜道：“指教二字，如何敢当？那芍药花根，药材行中是有的，大人要用来饲马，想药材铺中制炼过的更有效力。卑职吩咐大量采购，运去师京备用。至于这里的芍药花，念着他们对大人报喜有功，是否可暂且留下？他日韦大人挂帅破贼，拜相封王，就如韩魏公、韦忠武王一般，再到这里来赏花，那时金带围必又盛开，迎接贵人，岂不是一桩美事？据卑职想来，将来一定是戏文都有得做的。”韦小宝兴高采烈，道：“你说戏子扮了我唱戏？”慕天颜道：“是啊，那自然要一个俊雅漂亮的小生来扮韦大人了，还有些白胡子、黑胡子、大花脸、白鼻子小丑，就扮我们这些官儿。”众官都哈哈大笑。韦小宝笑道：“这出戏叫做甚么？”

慕天颜向巡抚马佑道：“那得请抚台大人题个戏名。”他见巡抚一直不说话，心想不能冷落了他。马佑笑道：“韦大人将来要封王，这出戏文就叫做《韦王簪花》罢？”众官一齐赞赏。韦小宝心中一乐，也就不再计较当年的旧怨了，心想：“老子做宰相是做不来的，大破西贼，弄个王爷玩玩，倒也干得过，倘若拔了这些芍药，只怕兆头不好。”一眼望出去，见花圃中的金带围少说也还有几十朵，心想：“哪里便有这许多宰相了，难道你们个个都做宰相不成？抚台、藩台还有些儿指望，这吴之荣贼头狗脑，说甚么也不像，将来戏文里的白鼻子小丑定是扮他。”明知布政司转弯抹角、大费心机的一番说话，意在保全这禅智寺前的数千株芍药，做官的诀窍首在大家过得去，这叫做“花花轿子人抬人”，你既然捧了我，我就不能一意孤行，叫扬州通城的官儿脸上都下不来，当下不再提芍药之事，笑道：“将来就算真有这一出戏，咱们也都看不着了，不如眼前先听听曲子罢！”
There’s one thing I don’t like about Yangzhou,’ replied Trinket abruptly. ‘The monks. The monks of Yangzhou stink.’This totally unexpected response left the poor Governor totally bewildered and at a loss. His widely read and quick’witted friend the Provincial Treasurer, Mu Tianyan, came swiftly to his rescue’ ‘Your observation is, alas, only too true, Excellency. Our Yangzhou monks have indeed long enjoyed a regrettable reputation for their ill’judged involvement in worldly affairs, for courting the powerful and exploiting the poor.’Trinket was delighted at this response.’Indeed, Treasurer, you seem surprisingly well’informed in this matter.’The Treasurer continued to exhibit both his wideness of learning and his diplomatic finesse, and by dint of telling a number of entertaining stories, succeeded in humouring Trinket and distracting him from his secret plans of revenge on the temple’s peonies and monks.

众官齐声称是。吴之荣早有准备，吩咐下去。只听得花棚外环珮叮珰，跟着传来一阵香风。韦小宝精神一振，心道：“有美人看了。”果见一个女子娉娉婷婷的走进花棚，向韦小宝行下礼去，娇滴滴的说道：“钦差大人和众位大人万福金安，小女子侍候唱曲。”只见这女子三十来岁年纪，打扮华丽，姿色却是平平。笛师吹起笛子，她便唱了起来，唱的是杜牧的两首扬州诗：
As the evening wore on, and the dishes kept coming, Trinket thought it becoming for him as the guest of honour to call for players and a little vocal entertainment, a suggestion that was greeted with great enthusiasm by the assembled company. Needless to say, Prefect Wu had anticipated this request, and minutes later the sound of tinkling ornaments was heard outside the ‘marquee’ and the guests became aware of a feminine fragrance wafting in on the evening breeze. Trinket looked on with a certain degree of interest as a singsong’girl made her way daintily through the company, and performed a little bow before him. ‘I wish to present my respects to His Excellency the Imperial Envoy’ she piped, ‘and to all the other gentlemen here this evening, by singing a song.’ She must have been thirty’odd years old, and was gorgeously attired, if somewhat average in terms of physical charm. Her accompanist blew a short introductory air on the transverse flute, and she began to warble:

“青山隐隐水迢迢，秋尽江南草木凋。二十四桥明月夜，玉人何处教吹萧？”
Green lie the hills,
In darkling folds,
The distant waters gleam;
Autumn comes to a close,
But the southern lands
Have kept their verdant sheen.
The twenty’four bridges still stand
Beneath the bright moon;
Where does she blow her flute tonight,
My jade-like fair?

“落魄江南载酒行，楚腰纤细掌中轻。十年一觉扬州梦，赢得青楼薄幸名。”
On southern streams and lakes
I wandered,
Spirits low,
Wine my freight,
Beguiled by the slender waists
Of this land of lakes!
And then one day
From my Yangzhou Dream
I woke at last-
Ten years a rake,
Ten years gone so fast!

笛声悠扬，歌声宛转，甚是动听。韦小宝瞧着这个歌妓，心中却有些不耐烦起来。那女子唱罢，又进来一名歌妓。这女子三十四五岁年纪，举止娴雅，歌喉更是熟练，纵是最细微曲折之处，也唱得抑扬顿挫，变化多端。唱的是秦观一首《望海潮》词：
The words were those of the same poet of the Tang dynasty who had written about the temple, Du Mu, famous for his many evocations of Yangzhou, a city he lived in and loved. It was a touching performance, the woman’s soft voice trailing sinuous curves of melody around the delicate traceries of the flute accompaniment. Trinket just wished the girl herself had been a bit prettier.Her place was taken by another female performer, if anything a year or two older, but possessed of a mellow voice that filled even the daintiest contours of her song with an extraordinary richness and variety of expression. The words she sang were from a lyric by the much-loved poet of the Song dynasty, Qin Guan, to the tune ‘Gazing at the Tide’ :

“星分牛斗，疆连淮海，扬州万井提封。花发路香，莺啼人起，朱帘十里春风。豪杰气如虹。曳照春金紫，飞盖相从。巷入垂杨，画桥南北翠烟中。”
Stretching afar
Beneath the starry night,
Yangzhou the Fair,
City of flowers and fragrance,
Of bird’call,
Of yearly blinds
Tinkling
In the spring breeze.
Yangzhou the Bold,
City of heroes,
Bright as gold,
Their rainbow’spirits
Soaring in the sky.
Down the streets
Carriages rumble;
Willows line the lanes;
Painted bridges
Call to mind
The glories of the past.

这首词确是唱得极尽佳妙，但韦小宝听得十分气闷，忍不住大声打了个呵欠。那《望海潮》一词这时还只唱了半阕，吴之荣甚是乖觉，见钦差大人无甚兴致，挥了挥手，那歌妓便停住不唱，行礼退下。吴之荣陪笑道：“韦大人，这两个歌妓，都是扬州最出名的，唱的是扬州繁华之事，不知大人以为如何？”
It was a superb rendering of the famous lines, but Trinket was by now visibly bored and could not succeed in stifling a noisy yawn. Before the singer could begin the next stanza, Prefect Wu, observing his guest’s growing lack of interest, waved her away. She bowed, and took her leave.’How does Your Excellency find the two singers?’ he enquired, adding that they had been selected from among Yangzhou’s most famous courtesans, and that the songs they had sung were specially chosen because they celebrated aspects of Yangzhou’s rich history and culture.

哪知韦小宝听曲，第一要唱曲的年轻美貌，第二要唱的是风流小调，第三要唱得浪荡风骚。当日陈圆圆以倾国倾城之貌，再加说连带唱，一路解释，才令他听完一曲《圆圆曲》。眼前这两个歌妓姿色平庸，神情呆板，所唱的又不知是甚么东西，他打了个呵欠，已可算是客气之极了，听得吴之荣问起，便道：“还好，还好，就是太老了一点。这种陈年宿货，兄弟没甚么胃口。”
His own idea of being well entertained by a singsong’girl was firstly, that the performer should be considerably younger, prettier, and sexier; and secondly, that the lyrics should be easier on the ear, easier to understand, and preferably a good deal saucier. ‘A bit on the antique side, I thought,’ he continued for his host’s benefit. ‘Not quite to my taste.’

吴之荣道：“是，是。杜牧之是唐人，秦少游是宋人，的确是太陈旧了。有一首新诗，是眼下一个新进诗人所作，此人叫作查慎行，成名不久，写的是扬州田家女的风韵，新鲜得很，新鲜得很。”作个手势，侍役传出话去，又进来一名歌妓。韦小宝说“陈年宿货”，指的是歌妓，吴之荣却以为是说诗词太过陈旧。韦小宝对他所说的甚么杜牧之、秦少游，自是不知所云，只懂了“扬州田家女的风韵，新鲜得很，新鲜得很”这句话。心想：“既是新鲜得很的扬州田家女，倒也不妨瞧瞧。”
‘Ah yes,’ replied Prefect Wu. ‘Something a little more recent than verses from the Tang and Song dynasties would certainly make a change.’ (Trinket had been referring to the singer, not the song.) ‘I suggest we listen to a piece by a talented younger writer of our own time, Mr Zha Shenxing. In one of his poems he evokes the charm of the simple peasant girls of the Yangzhou region. The piece is called “The Hills of Huai”.’ (This was a reference to the rich Huai’river lands north of Yangzhou city proper.) Wu snapped his fingers, and the ushers showed in a third singsong’girl. Trinket had registered the last few words of his introduction, the bit about the simple peasant girls, and showed renewed interest, thinking that he was about to see a local rural beauty.

那歌妓走进花棚，韦小宝不看倒也罢了，一看之下，不由得怒从心上起，恶向胆边生，登时便要发作。原来这歌妓五十尚不足，四十颇有余，鬓边已见白发，额头大有皱纹，眼应大而偏细，嘴须小而反巨。见这歌妓手抱琵琶，韦小宝怒火更盛，心想：“凭你也来学陈圆圆！”却听弦索一动，宛如玉响珠跃，鹂啭燕语，倒也好听。只听她唱道：
But then, as the third performer walked into the ‘marquee’, he was simply appalled and angry. This creature was fifty if she was a day; her face was wrinkled, her hair was greying at the temples, she had small, squinting eyes (when they should have been big and lustrous), and a big mouth (when it should have been small). She started to play her lute, the very same instrument, Trinket reflected, that the incomparably beautiful Chen Yuanyuan had played on that memorable earlier occasion in Kunming-how dare this ageing Yangzhou trollop hope to compete with the Peerless Consort! However, when she opened that big mouth of hers, the cascade of rippling melody that poured from it was truly a joy to hear (for those with any ear at all for music).

“淮山浮远翠，淮水漾深渌。倒影入楼台，满栏花扑扑。谁知阛闋外，依旧有芦屋。时见淡妆人，青裙曳长幅。”
Hills of HUM, Vistas of green, Waters of Huai, Deep fools of blue; When she climbs the stair, ‘Her very shadow Breathes the scent ‘ Of country flowers; Beyond the city gates, Her cottage still stands As once it did; Her make’up Still so plain, Her long skin Still trailing ‘ Darkly.

歌声清雅，每一句都配了琵琶的韵节，时而如流水淙淙，时而如银铃玎玎，最后“青裙曳长幅”那一句，琵琶声若有若无，缓缓流动，众官无不听得心旷神怡，有的凝神闭目，有的摇头晃脑。琵琶声一歇，众官齐声喝采。慕天颜道：“诗好，曲子好，琵琶也好。当真是荆钗布裙，不掩天香国色。不论做诗唱曲，从淡雅中见天然，那是第一等的功夫了。”
Melody and accompaniment were in perfect harmony with one another, the music at one moment lapping sensuously like waves on the shore, the next dropping in crystalline drips, with a tinkling clarity that enchanted the ear. Her audience (with one notable exception) was quite enthralled. Some closed their eyes in rapture and reverie, others moved their heads in time to the lilting melodic cadences. When the last strain on the lute had died away, a roar of applause rose from the tables.’Oh my, what a superb performance!’ enthused Treasurer Mu. ‘Such marvellous lyrics, such a gorgeous melodic setting, such exquisite finger’work on the lute! A positive miracle!’

韦小宝哼了一声，问那歌妓：“你会唱《十八摸》罢？唱一曲来听听。”众官一听，尽皆失色。那歌妓更是脸色大变，突然间泪水涔涔而下，转身奔出，拍的一声，琵琶掉在地下。那歌妓也不拾起，径自奔出。韦小宝哈哈大笑，说道：“你不会唱，我又不会罚你，何必吓成这个样子？”
Trinket delivered himself of a less than appreciative grunt, and then addressed himself directly to the lady artist”I don’t suppose you happen to know “The Eighteen Touches” by any chance’ Sing it for us, go on, there’s a darling!’A terrible silence descended on the ‘marquee’. The woman’s face fell, and suddenly great tears gushed from her (heavily made’up) eyes, and she turned and fled. There was a ‘clunk’ as she let her instrument fall to the ground, but she was in too much of a hurry even to retrieve it.Trinket laughed loudly.’Come along, darling, if you can’t sing it it’s not the end of the world! I’m not going to eat you up!’

那《十八摸》是极淫秽的小调，连摸女子身上十八处所在，每一摸有一样比喻形容。众官虽然人人都曾听过，但在这盛宴雅集的所在，怎能公然提到？那岂不是大玷官箴？那歌妓的琵琶和歌喉，在扬州久负盛名，不但善于唱诗，而且自己也会做诗，名动公卿，扬州的富商巨贾等闲要见她一面也不可得。韦小宝问这一句，于她自是极大的羞辱。
‘The Eighteen Touches’ can best be described as an extremely vulgar and obscene ditty, detailing eighteen of the most private (and no doubt delectable) parts of a woman’s person, and going on to describe in figurative language the joys of touching each one of these eighteen parts. There were few among the distinguished (and pleasure’loving) company present who had not heard it, but not one of them would have dreamt of mentioning it on this formal and elegant occasion. The courtesan who had just performed was probably Yangzhou’s most celebrated singer and musician, and was known to compose verses herself of considerable literary distinction. It had been a rare privilege for the mandarins and merchants to hear her sing, and it came as a shock to them to see her insulted so crassly by their guest of honour.

慕天颜低声道：“韦大人爱听小曲，几时咱们找个会唱的来，好好听一听。”韦小宝道：“连《十八摸》也不会唱，这老婊子也差劲得很了。几时我请你去鸣玉坊丽春院去，那边的婊子会唱的小调多得很。”此言一出口，立觉不妥，心想：“丽春院是无论如何不能请他去的。好在扬州妓院子甚多，九大名院、九小名院，随便那一家都好玩。”举起酒杯，笑道：“喝酒，喝酒。”众文官听他出语粗俗，都有些尴尬，借着喝酒，人人都装作没听见。一干武将却脸有欢容，均觉和钦差大人颇为志同道合。
Treasurer Mu tried his oily best to smooth things over, by suggesting that another occasion might present itself, more suited to the singing of such ‘idle snatches’ as Trinket had proposed. Trinket was not to be appeased. ‘For goodness sake, if that old whore can’t even sing “The Eighteen Touches”, she’s no good for anything! One of these days I’ll take you down the Alley, to Vernal Delights. Some of the little whores there can really sing!’ Trinket raised his cup, and his hosts eagerly drank, endeavouring to conceal the terrible faux fas in a wave of noise and merriment.

便在此时，只见一名差役低着头走出花棚，韦小宝见了他的背影，心中一动：“这人的背影好熟，那是谁啊？”但后来这差役没再进来，过得片刻，也就淡忘了。又喝得几杯酒，韦小宝只觉跟这些文官应酬索然无味，既不做戏，又不开赌，实在无聊之极，心里只是在唱那《十八摸》：“一呀摸，二呀摸，摸到姐姐的头发边……”再也忍耐不住，站起身来，说道：“兄弟酒已够了，告辞。”向巡抚、布政司、按察司等几位大员拱拱手，便走了出去。众官齐出花棚，送他上了大轿。
As he was drinking, something odd caught Trinket’s eye’ he saw one of the attendants at the banquet slink suspiciously out of the ‘marquee’, and noted something strangely familiar about him. But the man did not return, and Trinket soon forgot all about him. The banquet began to bore Trinket. There were no plays, there was no gambling-in short, there was no real fun to be had. He kept finding himself singing the verses of The Eighteen Touches’ over and over inside his head’Touch her here, Touch her there, Touch her on her lovely hair. . . Finally he could endure the boredom no longer, and his feet. rose to you. ‘Gentlemen, I think I have drunk my fill, and must be leaving They all lined up to see him out of the ‘marquee’.

Trinket back in the Alley

韦小宝回到行辕，吩咐亲兵说要休息，不论甚么客来，一概挡驾不见，入房换上了一套破烂衣衫。那是数日前要双儿去市上买来的一套旧衣，买来后扯破数处，在地下践踏一过，又倒上许多灯油，早已弄得污秽油腻不堪。帽子鞋袜，连结辫子的头绳，也都换了破旧的劣货。从炭炉里抓了一把炉灰，用水调开了，在脸上、手上乱涂一气，在镜子里一照，果然回复了当年丽春院里当小厮的模样。双儿服侍他更换衣衫，笑道：“相公，戏文里钦差大臣包龙图改扮私访，就是这个样子吗？”韦小宝道：“差不多了，不过包龙图生来是黑炭脸，不用再搽黑灰。”
Once back in his Temporary Residence in the Ho Garden, Trinket instructed his personal guards that he was on no account to be disturbed. He went into his bedchamber, and changed into a suit of tattered old rags. He had already sent Doublet off a few days earlier to procure some clothes from a second’hand clothes’stall in one of the Yangzhou markets, and had then set about cutting them up still further into rags, trampling them in the mud, and soaking them in oil, so as to look thoroughly filthy and disreputable. He made sure his various accessories were on the same level’ broken down hat and shoes, grubby detachable pigtail plait. Then he took a handful of ash from the charcoal brazier, moistened it, and smeared the resulting paste all over his face and hands. He looked at himself in the mirror, and saw once again the urchin from Vernal Delights.

双儿道：“我跟你去好不好？你独个儿的，要是遇上了甚么事，没个帮手。”韦小宝笑道：“我去的那地方，美貌的小姐儿是去不得的。”说着便哼了起来：“一呀摸，二呀摸，摸到我好双儿的脸蛋边……”伸手去摸她脸。双儿红着脸嘻嘻一笑，避了开去。韦小宝将一大叠银票塞在怀里，又拿了一包碎银子，捉住双儿，在她脸上轻轻一吻，从后门溜了出去。守卫后门的亲兵喝问：“干甚么的？”韦小宝道：“我是何家奶妈的儿子的表哥的妹夫，你管得着吗？”
Doublet urged him to take her with him, wherever it was he was planning to go.’You won’t be safe out there all on your own’ she insisted.Trinket laughed.’My sweet, where I’m going is no place for innocent young girls like you!’And he started to sing’Touch her here, Touch her there, Touch the face of Doublet the Fair. . .And as he sang he reached out his hand and began to stroke her face. Doublet blushed, and ran giggling out of the room.Trinket stuffed a wad of notes in the inside pocket of his ragged jacket, and a bagful of silver in his trouser pocket. He went out and found Doublet, gave her a kiss on the cheek, then vanished out of a back gate. The guard on the gate challenged him”Who goes there?”The husband of the younger sister of the cousin of the son of the Ho family nurse-so mind your own business!’ replied Trinket cockily.

那亲兵一怔，心中还没算清这亲戚关系，韦小宝早已出门。扬州的大街小巷他无不烂熟，几乎闭了眼睛也不会走错，不多时便来到瘦西湖畔的鸣玉坊，隐隐只听得各处门户中传出箫鼓丝竹，夹着猜拳唱曲、呼吆喝六。这些声音一入耳，当真比钧天仙乐还好听十倍，心中说不出的舒服受用。走到丽春院外，但见门庭依旧，跟当年离去时并无分别。他悄悄走到院侧，推开边门，溜了进去。
The guard stared at him in disbelief, and before he could work out the intricacies of the relationship, the little urchin had gone on his way.Trinket still remembered the streets of Yangzhou like the back of his hand, and could have found his way around the city blindfolded. In no time he was by the shores of Slender West Lake, and walking up the Alley of Chiming Jade. Once again he heard the beguiling sound of music coming from upper rooms, mingled with cries of pleasure and peals of laughter-best of all, the old gambling calls-all the familiar sounds of his youth. He was in heaven again. A delicious feeling of well’being wafted over him. This was his real world. He came to Vernal Delights and saw that from the outside it was the same as ever. Nothing had changed. He crept up to the main entrance, sneaked around to the side, and pushed open one of the side-doors.

他蹑手蹑脚的走到母亲房外，一张之下，见房里无人，知道母亲是在陪客，心道：“辣块妈妈，不知是那个瘟生这当儿在嫖我妈妈，做我的干爹。”走进房中，见床上被褥还是从前那套，只是已破旧得多，心想：“妈妈的生意不大好，我干爹不多。”侧过头来，见自己那张小床还是摆在一旁，床前放着自己的一对旧鞋，床上被褥倒浆洗得干干净净。走过去坐在床上，见自己的一件青竹布长衫摺好了放在床角，心头微有歉意：“妈是在等我回来。他妈的，老子在北京快活，没差人送钱给妈，实在记心不好。”横卧在床，等母亲回来。
He tiptoed inside and up the stairs to what had always been his mother’s room. It was empty. She must be out, he reflected, elsewhere, busy with a customer. ‘Hot popping momma!’ he thought to himself. ‘I wonder what scabby old toad is poking my old mum tonight’ Who’s my stepdad this time round’!’ He sidled into the room. Nothing seemed to have changed. The same old quilts lay on his mother’s bed, tattier than ever. ‘Looks like business isn’t too good for old mum,’ he reflected. ‘Looks like I might be running short of stepdads.’ In a corner of the room stood his old bed. There was even a pair of his shoes on the floor beside it. The bedding had been carefully laundered. His favourite long cotton gown, the one with the bamboo pattern, was lying neatly folded on the bed. A little pang went through his urchin’s heart. ‘My mum’s still waiting for me to come home! Tamardy! All this time I’ve been leading the good life in Peking, and I never sent for her!’ He stretched himself out on the bed, and waited for his mother to return.

妓院中规矩，嫖客留宿，另有铺陈精洁的大房。众妓女自住的小房，却颇为简陋。年轻貌美的红妓住房较佳，像韦小宝之母韦春芳年纪已经不小，生意冷落，老鸨待她自然也马虎得很，所住的是一间薄板房。
It was the normal custom in the pleasure’houses for the girls to entertain their customers in specially appointed rooms. Their own private quarters were usually simple and sparsely furnished. The younger, prettier girls might have smarter rooms, but the older ones, like Trinket’s mother Spring Fragrance, whose charms and popularity with customers were waning, were often treated by (缺)

韦小宝躺了一会，忽听得隔房有人厉声喝骂，正是老鸨的声音：“老娘白花花的银子买了你来，你推三阻四，总是不肯接客，哼，买了你来当观世音菩萨，在院子里供着好看么？打，给我狠狠的打！”跟着鞭子着肉声、呼痛声、哭叫声、喝骂声，响成一片。这种声音韦小宝从小就听惯了，知道是老鸨买来了年轻姑娘，逼迫她接客，打一顿鞭子实是稀松平常。小姑娘倘若一定不肯，甚么针刺指甲、铁烙皮肉，种种酷刑都会逐一使了出来。这种声音在妓院中必不可免，他阕别已久，这时又再听到，倒有些重温旧梦之感，也不觉得那小姑娘有甚么可怜。
(缺) Madame, berating one of her girls: ‘To think of the good money I’ve laid out on you, and you’re always finding excuses not to go with a customer. Who do you think you are’ Our Holy Lady of Mercy or something’ I’ll teachyou a thing or two-‘Sounds of beating followed, cries of pain, more words of abuse. It was all so familiar to Trinket from his youth. Whenever the fresh recruits made a fuss about sleeping with a customer, the Madame would lay into them, using all manner of physical torture-poking their nails with needles, branding their flesh with hot irons-to force them into the fray. The scene struck Trinket with the force of an old familiar dream. This had been such a regular part of his life as a child, he didn’t even feel particularly sorry forthe girl.

那小姑娘哭叫：“你打死我好了，我死也不接客，一头撞死给你看！”老鸨吩咐龟奴狠打。又打了二三十鞭，小姑娘仍哭叫不屈。龟奴道：“今天不能打了，明天再说罢。”老鸨道：“拖这小贱货出去。”龟奴将小姑娘扶了出去，一会儿又回进房来。老鸨道：“这贱货用硬的不行，咱们用软的，给她喝迷春酒。”龟奴道：“她就是不肯喝酒。”老鸨道：“蠢才！把迷春酒放在肉里，不就成了。”龟奴道：“是，是。七姐，真有你的。”
‘Kill me if you like!’ the young girl was crying. ‘I’d rather diethan sleep with one of them! I’ll dash my brains out, see if I don’t!’ The Madame ordered one of her sewing’women to carry on hitting the girl. Twenty or thirty strokes later, the girl was stillsobbing and defiant.’That’s as much as I can do today, ma’am,’ muttered theserving’woman. ‘I’ll give her some more tomorrow.”Take the little slut out of my sight!’ barked the Madame. The serving’woman dragged the girl out, and came back into the room. ‘Clearly beating her isn’t going to work,’ said the Madame. ‘We’ll have to try subtler methods. Drug her!’ ‘But she refuses to drink!’ ‘Idiot creature! Mix it in with her food then. Put it in the meat.That should do the trick.”What a clever one you are, ma-am!’

韦小宝凑眼到板壁缝去张望，见老鸨打开柜子，取出一瓶酒来，倒了一杯，递给龟奴。只听她说道：“叫了春芳陪酒的那两个公子，身边钱钞着实不少。他们说在院子里借宿，等朋友。这种年轻雏儿，不会看中春芳的，待会我去跟他们说，要他们梳笼这贱货，运气好的话，赚他三四百两银子也不希奇。”龟奴笑道：“恭喜七姐招财进宝，我也好托你的福，还一笔赌债。”老鸨骂道：“路倒尸的贱胚，辛辛苦苦赚来几两银子，都去送在三十二张骨牌里。这件事办得不好，小心我割了你的乌龟尾巴。”
Trinket peeped through a crack in the wooden partition, which was all that separated the two rooms. He could see the old Madame opening a cupboard and taking out a bottle of some liquor. She poured out a cup and gave it to the sewing’woman.’Those two young gentlemen downstairs, drinking with Spring Fragrance,’ she began saying. ‘They look loaded. They say they want to stay the night, something about expecting friends in the morning. Well, I doubt they’ll want to get up to anything serious with Spring Fragrance-they’re far too young for her. I’ll go down and hint that they might get a go at this wretched little troublemaker’smaidenhead. If we’re lucky, that should bring us in three or four hundred taels of silver.’

韦小宝知道“迷春酒”是一种药酒，喝了之后就人事不知，各处妓院中用来迷倒不肯接客的雏妓，从前听着只觉十分神奇，此时却知不过是在酒中混了些蒙汗药，可说寻常得紧，心想：“今日我的干爹是两个少年公子？是甚么家伙，倒要去瞧瞧。”他悄悄溜到接待富商豪客的“甘露厅”外，站在向来站惯了的那个圆石墩上，凑眼向内张望。以往每逢有豪客到来，他必定站在这圆石墩窥探，此处窗缝特大，向厅内望去，一目了然，客人侧坐，却见不到窗外的人影。他过去已窥探了不知几百次，从来没碰过钉子。
Trinket knew about the kind of drug she was planning to use- it left a person more or less unconscious, and was often used in the whore’houses with reluctant first’timers. As a boy he’d thought it something rare and wonderful. Now he knew better. It was no different from the common or garden opiate used by fighters of the River and Lake fraternity, to render their opponents incapable of combat. Curious to know who the two loaded’ young gentlemen were that his mother was entertaining, he sneaked down to the corridor outside the main parlour (which rejoiced in the name Hall of Sweet Dew), where wealthy customers were always received, and climbed onto the round stone tabouret (his old vantage point for spying what was going on inside). There was a good’sized crack in the paper window here, from which he had a commanding view of the interior. Countless times he had spied from here as a boy, without ever being caught.

只觉厅内红烛高烧，母亲脂粉满脸，穿着粉红缎衫，头上戴了一朵红花，正在陪笑给两个客人斟酒。韦小宝细细瞧着母亲，心想：“原来妈这么老了，这门生意做不长啦，也只有这两个瞎了眼的瘟生，才会叫她来陪酒。妈的小调唱得又不好听，倘若是我来逛院子，倘若她不是我妈，倒贴我一千两银子也不会叫她。”只听他母亲笑道：“两位公子爷喝了这杯，我来唱个《相思五更调》给两位下酒。”韦小宝暗暗叹了口气，心道：“妈的小调唱来唱去只是这几只，不是《相思五更调》，就是‘一根紫竹直苗苗’，再不然就是‘一把扇子七寸长，一人搧风二人凉’，总不肯多学几只。她做婊子也不用心。”转念一想，险些笑了出来：“我学功夫也不肯用心，原来我的懒性儿，倒是妈那里传下来的。”
The interior was brightly lit with red lanterns, and there in the middle of the room he saw his mother, heavily made up, dressed in a pink embroidered gown, with red flowers in her hair. She was pouring wine for two gentlemen. Trinket gazed at her. ‘Poor old thing! So business is that bad these days. And she never could sing to save her life. I must admit, if I were a customer, I wouldn’t go with her if they offered me a thousand taels!’ Just then he heard his mother asking the two gentlemen if they would like to hear her singing ‘The Five Faces of Love’. Trinket heaved a silent sigh. ‘Still the same old repertoire! She only ever did have two or three songs, and just kept on singing those same ones over and over again. She really should have taken her training a bit more seriously!’ As he was thinking this, he narrowly avoided letting out a little chuckle. ‘Bit like me, really, and my pathetic attempts to learn kungfu. I never could take it seriously. Same old tricks every time. Like mother, like son!’

忽听得一个娇嫩的声音说道：“不用了！”这三字一入耳，韦小宝全身登时一震，险些从石墩上滑了下来，慢慢斜眼过去，只见一只纤纤玉手挡住了酒杯，从那只纤手顺着衣袖瞧上去，见到一张俏丽脸庞的侧面，却不是阿珂是谁？韦小宝心中大跳，惊喜之心难以抑制：“阿珂怎么到了扬州？为甚么到丽春院来，叫我妈陪酒？她女扮男装来到这里，不叫别人，单叫我妈，定是冲着我来了。原来她终究还有良心，记得我是跟她拜了天地的老公。啊哈，妙极，妙之极矣！你我夫妻团圆，今日洞房花烛，我将你双手抱在怀里……”
In the midst of these musings, he suddenly heard one of the two gentlemen say to Spring Fragrance’ ‘No more wine for me, thank you.’ Something about that voice took Trinket’s breath away. It was so soft, so familiar, so … girlish! He looked carefully at where the voice was coming from, saw the delicate hand declining the profferred cup of wine, followed the sleeve up the arm to the prettiest profile-and there it was! Green Girl! Green’s face! Trinket nearly tumbled off his perch. His heart missed a beat, his whole being thrilled with uncontrollable excitement”What’s Green doing in Yangzhou’ And what’s she doing at Vernal Delights, of all places, being entertained by my mum, of all people’! She’s dressed herself up in man’s clothes, and come looking for my mum-she must be trying to find me! Oh joy! She has finally seen the light and decided to come back to be with me! Her betrothed! Oh bliss!’ (Trinket even started thinking to himself in romantic cliches.) ‘Tonight we shall consummate our union, amid glowing red candles. I shall hold her hands close to my heart as we lie together in the bridal bower. . . .’ And so on, and so forth.

突然听得一个男子声音说道：“吴贤弟暂且不喝，待得那几位蒙古朋友到来……”韦小宝耳中嗡的一声，立知大事不妙，眼前天旋地转，一时目不见物，闭目定得一定神，睁眼看去，坐在阿珂身侧的那个少年公子，却不是台湾的二公子郑克塽是谁？
And then Trinket’s overheated fantasy was rudely interrupted by a real man’s voice”We must stay awake to await the arrival of our Mongol friends.’Something about that voice set off an instantaneous (and extremely unpleasant) buzzing in Trinket’s head. The nuptial dream was shattered, the nightmare had begun. The whole world swayed wildly before his eyes, everything went black for a moment, then he collected himself, opened his eyes, and looked’ there was no mistaking it, the person sitting beside Green, the person who had just spoken, was the Unspeakable, the Execrable, the Insufferable Zheng Keshuang.

韦小宝的母亲韦春芳笑道：“小相公既然不喝，大相公就多喝一杯。”给郑克塽斟了一杯酒，一屁股坐在他怀里。阿珂道：“喂，你放尊重些。”韦春芳笑道：“啊哟，小相公脸皮嫩，看不惯这调调儿。你以后天天到这里来玩儿，只怕还嫌人家不够风情呢。小相公，我叫个小姑娘来陪你，好不好？”阿珂忙道：“不，不，不要！你好好坐在一旁！”韦春芳笑道：“啊，你喝醋了，怪我陪大相公，不陪你。”站起身来，往阿珂怀中坐下去。
Trinket’s mum turned to Sir Zheng: ‘If your young friend will not drink, sir, perhaps you would like to?’And so saying she plumped herself down on the Insufferable’s lap.’Watch what you’re doing!’ said Green.Spring Fragrance gave her a big smile.’Oh dear, this young gentleman is clearly not familiar with our local customs. You should come more often. You’d soon get used to things. Would the young gentleman like me to send for one of the other girls?”No, no!’ Green hastened to reply. ‘Just get off his lap and sit down over here.’ ‘Oh dearie me!’ exclaimed Spring Fragrance. ‘I do believe the wine has made you jealous!’ So saying, she got up and plonked herself down on Green’s lap.

韦小宝只看得又是好气，又是好笑，心道：“天下竟有这样的奇事，我的老婆来嫖我的妈妈。”只见阿珂伸手一推，韦春芳站立不定，一交坐倒。韦小宝大怒，心道：“小婊子，你推你婆婆，这般没上没下！”
Trinket was torn between angry indignation, and amusement. ‘Did you ever see anything so strange in all your life’!’ he apostrophized himself. ‘My own wife being persuaded to have it off with my own mum!’ But Green was busy pushing Spring Fragrance away, with such determination that the poor woman tumbled to the ground. Trinket muttered angrily to himself’ ‘Knocking your own mother’in’law to the ground! What’s the world coming to?’

韦春芳却不生气，笑嘻嘻站起身来，说道：“小相公就是怕丑，你过来坐在我的怀里好不好？”阿珂怒道：“不好！”对郑克塽道：“我要去了！甚么地方不好跟人会面，为甚么定要在这里？”郑克塽道：“大家约好了在这里的，不见不散。我也不知原来是这等肮脏地方。喂，你给我规规矩矩的坐着。”最后这句话是对韦春芳说的。
But Spring Fragrance was not in the least put out. She raised herself from the ground, and chuckled good’humouredly’ ‘Come my dear, why don’t you sit on my lap’ It’d be a lot comfier.’ ‘No thank you!’ snapped Green. Then to Sir Zheng’ ‘Why do we have to hang around here’ Can’t we wait somewhere less objectionable?’ ‘This is where we said we’d wait, so we’ll just have to stay here until they turn up. I had no idea it was such a squalid place. You, go over there and sit down.’ This brusque remark was addressed to Spring Fragrance.

韦小宝越想越怒，心道：“那日在广西柳江边上，你哀求老子饶你狗命，罚下重誓，决不再跟我老婆说一句话，今日竟然一同来嫖我妈妈。嫖我妈妈，倒也罢了，你跟我老婆却不知已说了几千句、几万句话。那日没割下你的舌头，实是老子大大的失策。”韦春芳打起精神，伸手去擞郑克塽的头颈，郑克塽将她手臂一把推开，说道：“你到外面去罢，咱兄弟俩有几句话说。等我叫你再进来。”韦春芳无奈，只得出厅。
Trinket was fuming. ‘Why, you little runt! That day in Guangxi, on the river, when I spared your life, you took an oath never to have anything more to do with my wife, never to speak another word to her, and here you are messing around with my motherll And obviously you’ve been talking to my wife. Flat out. Talking your head off. For all I know hundreds of thousands of words, no millions, have passed between the two of you since we last met. I knew I should have cut your tongue out there and then!’ Spring Fragrance made one more valiant attempt to cuddle Sir Zheng, but this time she was sent packing, and told firmly to wait outside.

郑克塽低声道：“珂妹，小不忍则乱大谋，要成就大事，咱们只好忍耐着点儿。”阿珂道：“那葛尔丹王子不是好人，他为甚么约你到这里来会面？”韦小宝听到“葛尔丹王子”五字，寻思：“这蒙古混蛋也来了，好极，好极，他们多半是在商量造反。老子调兵遣将，把他们一网打尽。”只听郑克塽道：“这几日扬州城里盘查很紧，旅店客栈中的客人，只要不是熟客，衙役捕快就来问个不休，倘若露了行迹，那就不妙了。这妓院中却没公差前来罗唣。咱们住在这里，稳妥得多。我跟你倒也罢了，葛尔丹王子一行人那副蒙古模样，可惹眼得很。再说，你这么天仙般的相貌，倘若住了客店，通扬州的人都要来瞧你，迟早定会出事。”阿珂浅浅一笑，道：“不用你油嘴滑舌的讨好。”
‘Ah Kor,’ said Sir Zheng, once she had gone, ‘you must try to be patient. Otherwise you could spoil everything.’ ‘Prince Galdan must be up to no good, to want to meet in a horrible place like this.’ When Trinket heard the name ‘Prince Galdan’, his ears prickedup”So that pickled Mongolian egg Galdan is on his way here too! Excellent! They’re obviously involved in the rebellion together, and I can send in some of my men and catch them all red’handed!’Sir Zheng replied to Green: ‘There’s very tight security in Yangzhou at the moment. They’re cross’questioning every traveller, and all the inns are insisting on identifying their customers. It would be very difficult for a Mongol like Prince Galdan to pass unobserved. That’s why he decided to stay here. The police never bother with places like this. Besides, in an ordinary inn, a lady as beautiful as you would find herself constantly being stared at and pestered by strangers.’Green smiled the faintest of smiles.’Don’t start your sweet-talking now-‘

郑克塽伸臂搂住她肩头，在她嘴角边轻轻一吻，笑道：“我怎么油嘴滑舌了？要是天仙有你这么美貌，甚么吕纯阳、铁拐李，也不肯下凡了，每个神仙都留在天上，目不转睛的瞧着我的小宝贝儿。”阿珂嗤的一笑，低下头去。
‘It’s not sweet-talk.’ Sir Zheng put his arm round her shoulder, and kissed her lightly on the mouth. ‘It’s the simple truth. You’re as beautiful as a fairy. In fact, if there really were beauties like you in heaven, none of those Immortals would ever have bothered to come down to earth. They’d all have stayed up in heaven, to ogle my darling.’Green laughed softly, and lowered her head coyly.

韦小宝怒火冲天，不可抑制，伸手一摸匕首，便要冲进去火伕一场，随即转念：“这小子武功比我强，阿珂又帮着他。我一冲进去，奸夫淫妇定要谋杀亲夫。天下甚么人都好做，就是武大郎做不得。”当下强忍怒火，对他二人的亲热之态只好闭目不看。只听阿珂道：“哥哥，到底……”这“哥哥”两字一叫，韦小宝更是酸气满腹，心道：“他妈的好不要脸，连‘哥哥’也叫起来了。”她下面几句说话，就没听入耳中。只听郑克塽道：“他在明里，咱们在暗里。葛尔丹手下的武士着实厉害，包在我身上，这一次非在他身上刺几个透明窟窿不可。”阿珂道：“这家伙实在欺人太甚，此仇不报，我这一生总是不会快活。你知道，我本来是不肯认爹爹的，只因他答应为我报仇，派了八名武功好手陪我来一同行事，我才认了他。”韦小宝心道：“是谁得罪了你？你要报仇，跟你老公说好了，没甚么办不到的事，又何必认了吴三桂这大汉奸做爹爹。”郑克塽道：“要刺死他也不是甚么难事，只不过鞑子官兵戒备严密，得手之后要全身而退，就不大容易。咱们总得想个万全之策，才好下手。”
Trinket was boiling. Out of control, he reached instinctively for his dagger, and was about to go bursting into the room and have it out with Sir Zheng once and for all, but managed to think better of it.’His kungfu is far better than mine, and besides he’d have her on his side. I’d be one man against the combined forces of my faithless wife and her vicious lover.’He had no choice but to close his eyes and pretend not to see them as they exchanged sweet endearments. But he could not help overhearing what they said: ‘Don’t you worry, my sweet. This time I swear I’ll cut him up into little pieces.’It was Sir Zheng speaking again.’He has really gone too far!’ replied Green. ‘I must have my revenge! I should never have agreed to acknowledge the Satrap as my father-but at least he promised to send eight of his strongest men to help me seek vengeance!”Who can she be talking about?’ Trinket wondered to himself. ‘Who has wronged you, dearest wife’! Tell me. I’m your man-I’ll go to the ends of the earth to avenge you! There was no need to call the Satrap your father!’ ‘Actually killing him is no problem’ said Sir Zheng. ‘But he is surrounded by Tartar guards, and getting out alive may be difficult. We have to think of a foolproof plan.’

阿珂道：“爹爹答应我派人来杀了这人，也不是全为了我。他要起兵打鞑子，这人是个大大的阻碍。他吩咐我千万别跟妈说，我就料到他另有私心。”郑克塽道：“你跟你妈说了没有？”阿珂摇摇头，说道：“没有。这种事情越隐秘越好，说不定妈要出言阻止，我如不听妈的话，那也不好，还不如不说。”韦小宝心想：“她要行刺甚么人？这人为甚么是吴三桂起兵的阻碍？”只听郑克塽道：“这几日我察看他出入的情形，防护着实周密，要走近他身前，就为难得很。我想来想去，这家伙是好色之徒，倘若有人扮作歌妓甚么的，便可挨近他身旁了。”韦小宝心道：“好色之徒？他说的是抚台？还是藩台？”阿珂道：“除非是我跟师姊俩假扮，不过这种女子的下贱模样，我扮不来。”郑克塽道：“不如设法买通厨子，在他酒里放毒药。”阿珂恨恨的道：“毒死了他，我这口气不出。我要砍掉他一双手，割掉他尽向我胡说八道的舌头！这小鬼，我……我好恨！”
‘Father’s idea, of sending some of his men to kill him, was not only to avenge me,’ said Green. ‘It is also part of his plan for the uprising against the Manchus. This creature is one of the obstacles standing in his path. He must be got rid of. It all has to be kept very secret, which is why father made me promise not to breathe a word to mother about it.’ Trinket was more puzzled than ever. ‘Who ever can this person be, that they all want to kill’ And why is he such an obstacle to the Satrap’s plans?’ Sir Zheng continued’ ‘I have been keeping an eye on him these past few days. They’ve got him very closely protected. But I know his weak point. Women. All we have to do is dress someone up as a singsong’girl, and it’ll be easy to get to him.’ ‘Wonder who it could be, this womanizer?’ thought Trinket idly to himself. The Governor? The Treasurer?’ ‘My sister’in’arms and I could have done it’ replied Green. ‘But I hate the thought of dressing up like a whore. I couldn’t.’ ‘Another way might be to bribe his cook, and put poison in his wine.’ Green was adamantly against this proposal. That would make it too easy for him to die! I want to see him suffer! I want to chop off his horrid hands, one at a time, and then cut out his dirty lying little tongue! The horrible monster! I hate him!’

“这小鬼”三字一入耳，韦小宝脑中一阵晕眩，随即恍然，心中不住说：“原来是要谋杀亲夫。”他虽知道阿珂一心一意的向着郑克塽，可万万想不到对自己竟这般切齿痛恨，心想：“我又有甚么对不住你了？”这个疑窦顷刻间便即解破，只听郑克塽道：“珂妹，这小子是迷上你啦，对你是从来不敢得罪半分的。我知道你要杀他，其实是为了给我出气。你这番情意，我……我真不知如何报答才是。”阿珂柔声道：“他欺辱你一分，比欺辱我十分还令我痛恨。他如打我骂我，我瞧在师父面上，这口气也还咽得下，可是他对你……对你一次又一次的这般无礼，叫人一想起，恨不得立即将他千刀万剐。”郑克塽道：“珂妹，我现在就报答你好不好。”右臂也伸将过去，抱住了她身子。阿珂满脸娇羞，将头钻入他怀里。
Suddenly the truth dawned on Trinket. ‘Yikes! It’s me she’s talking about! It’s her own husband she wants to kill!’ He’d always known she was infatuated with Zheng Keshuang, but he’d never realized until this moment how bitterly she hated him. ‘What have I ever done to make her loathe me so much?’ This question was answered for Trinket, but not by Green. ‘My darling’ said Sir Zheng, ‘the truth is, the monster you hate so much never did anything to offend you. You know that. He’s always been too besotted with you to think of hurting you. I know why you hate him so. It’s because of what he did to me. It’s for my sake, isn’t it’ I don’t know how I can ever repay your love.’ To Trinket’s huge chagrin, Green confirmed the truth of this hypothesis of Sir Zheng’s’ ‘By humiliating you, my darling, by insulting you, he hurt me more than he could ever have done directly. After all, he and I are disciples of the same Shifu, and I would have endured any amount of abuse and cruelty for her sake. But to see you treated so rudely made my blood boil!’ ‘My dearest girl’ said Sir Zheng, ‘let me show you a little of how I feel.’ She let him put his arm around her once more, and buried her face tenderly in his bosom.

韦小宝心中又酸又怒又苦，突然间头顶一紧，辫子已给人抓住。他大吃一惊，跟着耳朵又被人扭住，待要呼叫，听到耳边一个熟悉的声音低喝：“小王八蛋，跟我来！”这句“小王八蛋”，平生不知已给这人骂过几千百次，当下更不思索，乖乖的跟了便走。抓他辫子、扭他耳朵之人，手法熟练已极，那也是平生不知已抓过他、扭过他几千百次了，正是他母亲韦春芳。
Trinket looked on in a furious agony of rage and jealousy. He was rudely jolted out of his suffering by the unpleasant sensation of his pigtail being pulled very hard from behind, and one of his ears being sharply tweaked. He was about to cry out in pain, when he heard a very familiar voice whisper in his ear’ ‘Come with me, you little no’good, putrid turtle’egg! Whoever you are, you’ve no business snooping here!’ He found himself obeying instantaneously. That familiar voice, that familiar hand (a hand that had pulled his pigtail and tweaked his ear countless times in the past), belonged to none other than his mother, the ageing trollop, Spring Fragrance Wei.

Mother and Son Reunited

两人来到房中，韦春芳反脚踢上房门，松手放开他辫子和耳朵。韦小宝叫道：“妈！我回来了！”韦春芳向他凝视良久，突然一把将他抱住，呜呜咽咽的哭了起来。韦小宝笑道：“我不是回来见你了吗？你怎么哭了？”韦春芳抽抽噎噎的道：“你死到哪里去了？我在扬州城里城外找遍了你，求神拜佛，也不知许了多少愿心，磕了多少头。乖小宝，你终于回到娘身边了。”韦小宝笑道：“我又不是小孩子了，到外面逛逛，你不用担心。”
When they arrived in her room, Spring Fragrance kicked the door to and let go of Trinket’s pigtail and ear.’Mum!’ cried Trinket. ‘I’m back!’She stared at him. Then suddenly she hugged him, and burst out sobbing.’Mum!’ laughed Trinket. Tm back! I’ve come to see you! What are you crying for?”Where have you been all this time?’ she sobbed. ‘I searched for you everywhere. I prayed for you. Heaven knows how many vows I made to Lord Buddha, how many times I kowtowed in thetemple-just because I wanted to know where you were, and whether you were safe and sound. My darling little Trinket, you’re back with your mum now!’ ‘I’m not a little boy any more,’ replied Trinket with a happy smile. ‘I’ve just been out and about in the big wide world, mum. You didn’t need to worry so.’

韦春芳泪眼模糊，见儿子长得高了，人也粗壮了，心下一阵欢喜，又哭了起来，骂道：“你这小王八蛋，到外面逛，也不给娘说一声，去了这么久，这一次不狠狠给你吃一顿笋炒肉，小王八蛋不知道老娘的厉害。”
Spring Fragrance looked at him through her tears. Her son had indeed grown up, he was a healthy’looking young man now. She felt both happy and proud. But still she couldn’t help shedding a few more tears. ‘You rotten little turtle’egg!’ she cried. ‘Out in the big wide world, you say, and not so much as a word to your own mum in all that time! You deserve a good smack on the bum, that’s what you deserve!’

所谓“笋炒肉”，乃是以毛竹板打屁股，韦小宝不吃已久，听了忍不住好笑。韦春芳也笑了起来，摸出手帕，给他擦去脸上泥污；擦得几擦，一低头，见到自己一件缎子新衫的前襟上又是眼泪，又是鼻涕，还染上儿子脸上的许多炭灰，不由得肉痛起来，拍的一声，重重打了他一个耳光，骂道：“我就是这一件新衣，还是大前年过年缝的，也没穿过几次。小王八蛋，你一回来也不干好事，就弄脏了老娘的新衣，叫我怎么去陪客人？”
Actually, the homely expression she used for a ‘good smack’ was ‘fried meat with bamboo shoots’-and Trinket had been dished up quite a few servings of that in his youth. But it was so long since he had last heard the expression coming from his mother’s lips, it now made him positively laugh out loud hearing it again. She laughed too, and pulled out a handkerchief to wipe his grimy face. Then she looked down at the front of her own dress, and saw the mess of tears and mucus, all blackened with the ashes from her son’s face-and off she went again, scolding him and slapping him and boxing his ears. ‘There, you’ve gone and spoiled my only good dress! Trust you! What am I going to wear for my customers now?’

韦小宝见母亲爱惜新衣，闹得红了脸，怒气勃发，笑道：“妈，你不用可惜。明儿我给你去缝一百套新衣，比这件好过十倍的。”韦春芳怒道：“小王八蛋就会吹牛，你有个屁本事？瞧你这副德性，在外边还能发了财回来么？”韦小宝道：“财是没发到，不过赌钱手气好，赢了些银子。”韦春芳对儿子赌钱作弊的本事倒有三分信心，摊开手掌，说道：“拿来！你身边存不了钱，过不了半个时辰，又去花个干净。”韦小宝笑道：“这一次我赢得太多，说甚么也花不了。”韦春芳提起手掌，又是一个耳光打过去。韦小宝一低头，让了开去，心道：“一见到我伸手就打的，北有公主，南有老娘。”
Trinket could see that she was getting all upset again. ‘Don’t you fret, mum. Tomorrow I’ll take you to have a hundred new dresses made up, and they’ll all be ten times nicer than this one-I promise you!’ ‘Stop talking such rubbish!’ She still sounded angry. ‘Since when has a little turtle’egg like you ever been able to earn enough money to buy his mum anything?’ ‘I may not be clever enough to earn it,’ replied Trinket. ‘But I might be clever enough to win it at cards.’ ‘I know you,’ said his mum. ‘However much you won, you’d still manage to lose it all again in less than an hour.’ ‘Not this time, mum. This time I’ve won such a big stash, I couldn’t ever lose it, however hard I tried.’ Off she went again, boxing his ears. This time Trinket let it pass. The minute she sees me again,’ he thought to himself, ‘the only thing she wants to do is hit me! She’s as bad as the Princess!’

伸手入怀，正要去取银子，外边龟奴叫道：“春芳，客人叫你，快去！”韦春芳道：“来了！”到桌上镜箱竖起的镜子前一照，匆匆补了些脂粉，说道：“你给我躺在这里，老娘回来要好好审你，你……你可别走！”韦小宝见母亲眼光中充满担优的神色，生怕自己又走得不知去向，笑道：“我不走，你放心！”韦春芳骂了声“小王八蛋”，脸有喜色，掸掸衣衫，走了出去。
He was just about to reach into his inside pocket, and produce a fat wad of notes to prove her wrong, when one of the whorehouse serving’women called out”Spring Fragrance! A customer for you! Straight away!”Coming!’She straightened herself in front of the table mirror, and hurriedly patched up her make’up.’You have a little lie’down,’ she said. Til be back presently, and I’ll want to know the whole story. And whatever you do, don’t go running off anywhere!’Trinket could read in her eyes her genuine concern that he would disappear again, this time for good.’Don’t worry, mum. I’m not going anywhere.”Little turtle’egg!’ she muttered, a happy smile lighting up her face, and bustled out of the room.

韦小宝在床上躺下，拉过被来盖上，只躺得片刻，韦春芳便走进房来，手里拿着一把酒壶，她见儿子躺在床上，便放了心，转身便要走出。韦小宝知道是郑克塽要她去添酒，突然心念一动，道：“妈，你给客人添酒去吗？”韦春芳道：“是了，你给我乖乖躺着，妈回头弄些好东西给你吃。”韦小宝道：“你添了酒来，给我喝几口。”韦春芳骂道：“馋嘴鬼，小孩儿家喝甚么酒？”拿着酒壶走了。
Trinket lay down under the covers. It was only a short while before his mother looked in again, bearing an empty wine jug. She seemed relieved to find him still there, and made to hurry off once more. Trinket was sure that the ‘customer’ sending for a refill of wine must be Sir Zheng, and he had a sudden idea.’Mum,’ he said, ‘are you taking the customer some more wine?”Yes, I am. Now you just lie down quietly like a good boy, and I’ll bring you back a nice little something to eat.”Bring us a drop to drink on your way!’ he said cheekily.’You devil!’ she retorted humorously. ‘Since when did a little boy like you drink wine!’

韦小宝忙向板壁缝中一张，见隔房仍是无人，当即一个箭步冲出房来，走进隔房，打开柜子，取了老鸨的那瓶“迷春酒”，回入自己房中，藏在被窝里，拔开了瓶塞，心道：“郑克爽你这小杂种，要在我酒里放毒药，老子今日给你来个先下手为强！”
The minute she was gone, Trinket peeped through the crack in the partition wall, and seeing that the room next door was now empty, dashed in there, opened the cupboard, and took out the bottle of opiate that the Madame was planning to soften up her new girl with. He hurried back to his mum’s bed and buried himself under the covers again, complete with the bottle.’So, you nasty Zheng piece of shit!’ he muttered to himself, taking the stopper out of the bottle. ‘So-you were planning to poison my wine, eh’ Well, it looks as if I may have got there first!’

过不多时，韦春芳提着一把装得满满的酒壶，走进房来，说道：“快喝两口。”韦小宝躺在床上，接过了酒壶，坐起身来，喝了一口。韦春芳瞧着儿子偷嫖客的酒喝，脸上不自禁的流露爱怜横溢之色。韦小宝道：“妈，你脸上有好大一块煤灰。”韦春芳忙到镜子前去察看。韦小宝提起酒壶往被中便倒，跟着将“迷春酒”倒了大半瓶入壶。韦春芳见脸上干干净净，哪里有甚么煤灰了，登时省起儿子又在捣鬼，要支使开自己，以便大口偷酒喝，当即转身，抢过了酒壶，骂道：“小王八蛋是老娘肚里钻出来的，我还不知你的鬼计？哼，从前不会喝酒，外面去浪荡了这些日子，甚么坏事都学会了。”韦小宝道：“妈，那个小相公脾气不好，你说甚么得灌他多喝几杯。他醉了不作声，再骗那大相公的银子就容易了。”
Presently his mother hurried in with a full wine jug.’Quickly,’ she said. ‘Have a couple of swigs while you can.’She handed him the jug.’Mum,’ he said quickly, ‘your face is all smudged.’ As she turned to look in the mirror, he quickly poured out some of the wine and replaced it with the opiate. It only took a second. And in that second, Spring Fragrance was able to verify that there ‘was in fact nothing smudged on her face. ‘You little rascal!’ she said. ‘I know you and your tricks! You haven’t changed a bit! Now, hand over that jug!’ Trinket laughed. ‘Mum, when you go back down there, be sure to give the younger of the two gentlemen plenty to drink. When he’s well and truly drunk and out for the count, it’ll be easier to cheat the other one of his cash!’

韦春芳道：“老娘做了一辈子生意，这玩意儿还用你教吗？”心中却颇以儿子的主意为然，又想：“小王八蛋回家，真是天大的喜事，今晚最好那瘟生不叫我陪过夜，老娘要陪儿子。”拿了酒壶，匆匆出去。韦小宝躺在床上，一会儿气愤，一会儿得意，寻思：“老子真是福将，这姓郑的臭贼甚么人不好嫖，偏偏来讨我便宜，想做老子的干爹。今日还不嗤的一剑，再撒上些化尸粉？”想到在郑克塽的伤口中撒上化尸粉后，过不多久，便化成一滩黄水，阿珂醉转来，她的“哥哥”从此无影无踪，不知去向。她就是想破了脑袋，也猜不到是怎么一回事，“他妈的，你叫哥哥啊，多叫几声哪，就快没得叫了。”
‘I don’t need you to teach me my trade, boy!’ quipped Spring Fragrance, secretly thinking to herself that her son’s idea was quite a smart one. She was looking forward to being able to celebrate his home’coming later on in the night. When she left the room, Trinket lay there dreaming of how, once Green was unconscious, he was first of all going to chop the Insufferable Sir Zheng (made all the more insufferable by the fact that he was being ‘entertained’ by Trinket’s own mother, thereby entering into some sort of disgusting stepfather relationship to Trinket-ugh!) into pieces, and then melt him down, using his patent Decomposing Powder! Tamardy! Green could call the Insufferable ‘darling’ as many times as she liked then, he’d be a darling pool of stinking pus!

他想得高兴，爬起身来，又到甘露厅外向内张望，只见郑克塽刚喝干了一杯酒，阿珂举杯就口，浅浅喝了一口。韦小宝大喜，只见母亲又给郑克塽斟酒。郑克塽挥手道：“出去，出去，不用你侍候。”韦春芳答应了一声，放下酒壶时衣袖遮住了一碟火腿片。韦小宝微微一笑，心道：“我就有火腿吃了。”忙回入房中。过不多时，韦春芳拿了那碟火腿片进来，笑道：“小王八蛋，你死在外面，有这好东西吃吗？”笑眯眯的坐在床沿，瞧着儿子吃得津津有味，比自己吃还要喜欢。韦小宝道：“妈，你没喝酒？”韦春芳道：“我已喝了好几杯，再喝就怕醉了，你又溜走。”韦小宝心想：“不把妈妈迷倒，干不了事。”说道：“我不走就是。妈，我好久没陪你睡了，你今晚别去陪那两个瘟生，在这里陪我。”
He could not resist the temptation to get up and go downstairs, to spy on what was happening in the Sweet Dew Parlour. He saw his mother plying both of the gentlemen with wine. When they finally dismissed her, she put down the wine jug and managed to slip a nice little plate of succulent ham slices into her sleeve. ‘Mmm,’ thought Trinket happily, ‘scrummy ham for Trink!’ He hurried back to his mother’s room. She soon came in with the ham, and took great delight in watching him wolf it down. ‘Mum’ said Trinket, ‘tonight I want to cuddle up with you. It’s been such a long time. Don’t go off and spend the night with one of those nasty men. Stay here with me.’

韦春芳大喜，儿子对自己如此依恋，那还是他七八岁之前的事，想不到出外吃了一番苦头，终究想起娘的好处来，不由得眉花眼笑，道：“好，今晚娘陪乖小宝睡。”韦小宝道：“妈，我虽在外边，可天天想着你。来，我给你解衣服。”他的马屁功夫用之于皇帝、教主、公主、师父，无不极灵，此刻用在亲娘身上，居然也立收奇效。韦春芳应酬得嫖客多了，男人的手摸上身来，便当他是木头，但儿子的手伸过来替自己解衣扣，不由得全身酸软，吃吃笑了起来。韦小宝替母亲解去了外衣，便去给她解裤带。韦春芳呸的一声，在他手上轻轻一拍，笑道：“我自己解。”忽然有些害羞，钻入被中，脱下裤子，从被窝里拿出来放在被上。
Spring Fragrance was deeply touched, and promised to stay with him all night. ‘I missed you all the time, mum,’ said Trinket, ‘while I was out there in the big wide world. Come, I’ll undo your dress for you.’ And so saying, he proceeded to help her take off her dress. Spring Fragrance had spent so many nights with a wide variety of customers over the years, she had slept with so many different men, that she had become totally desensitized to their roving fingers. But her own son’s fingers sent a strange frisson through her. She found what he was doing unbearably ticklish.When he set about removing her underwear, she gave him a little slap on the hand.That’s quite enough! I’ll do the rest myself, thank you very much!’She hid coyly under the covers, and threw her underclothes out one by one.

韦小宝摸了两锭银子，共有三十几两，塞在母亲手里，道：“妈，这是我给你的。”韦春芳一阵喜欢，忽然流下泪来，道：“我……我给你收着，过得……过得几年，给你娶媳妇。”韦小宝心道：“我这就娶媳妇去了。”吹熄了油灯，道：“妈，你快睡，我等你睡着了再睡。”韦春芳笑骂：“小王八蛋，花样真多。”便闭上了眼。她累了一日，又喝了好几杯酒，见到儿子回来，更喜悦不胜，一定下来，不多时便迷迷糊糊的睡去了。韦小宝听到她鼾声，蹑手蹑脚的轻步走到门边，心中一动，又回来将母亲的裤子抛在帐子顶上，心道：“待会你如醒转，没了裤子，就不能来捉我。”
Trinket meanwhile extracted some pieces of silver from his pocket, and stuffed them into his mother’s hand. It was about thirty taels’ worth.’There, mum, that’s for you.’She looked at him in a mist of happiness, and then the tears started tumbling down her cheeks.’My darling boy, I’ll… I’ll keep these for you, for the day you get married!’Trinket thought to himself”Which may be a lot sooner than you think, if I have my way with Green tonight!”You go to sleep, mum,’ he said. Til wait for you to fall asleep.’ Spring Fragrance needed little persuading. It had been a tiring and eventful day, and she had knocked back a few cups of the drugged wine herself. She was soon snoring her head off. Trinket tiptoed to the door. A thought suddenly occurred to him, and he dashed back, grabbed her underwear, and Eung it up on top of the canopy of her bedstead.That way, if she wakes up and wants to come searching for me in the middle of the night, she won’t be able to.’

走到甘露厅外一张，见郑克塽仰在椅中，阿珂伏在桌上，都已一动不动，韦小宝大喜，待了片刻，见两人仍是不动，当即走进厅去，反手待要带门，随即转念：“不忙关门，倘若这小子是假醉，关上了门可逃不走啦。”拔了匕首在手，走近身去，伸右手推推郑克塽，他全不动弹，果已昏迷，又推推阿珂。她唔唔两声，却不坐起。韦小宝心想：“她喝酒太少，只怕不久就醒了，那可危险。”将匕首插入靴中，扶了她坐直。阿珂双目紧闭，含含糊糊的道：“哥哥，我……我不能喝了。”韦小宝低声道：“好妹子，再喝一杯。”斟满一杯酒，左手挖开她小嘴，将酒灌了下去。
The minute he glanced in at Sweet Dew Parlour, he could see Sir Zheng slumped back in his chair, and Green slumped forward on the table. The opiate had clearly taken effect. He waited a moment, and they were still both totally motionless. He went in and, holding his dagger in his left hand as a precaution, prodded Sir Zheng with his right hand. There was no response whatsoever. He was well and truly unconscious. Green, on the other hand, gave a few indistinct groans when he prodded her. Slipping his dagger back into his boot, he propped her up and tried feeding her a little more of the ‘grog’. She mumbled, ‘Darling, I can’t drink adrop more . . .’ To which Trinket mumbled in reply, ‘Sweetheart, just a mouthful . . .’, at the same time holding her mouth open with his left hand, and force’feeding her a good cupful straight down her throat.

眼见阿珂迷迷糊糊将这杯迷春药酒吞了肚中，心道：“老子跟你明媒正娶的拜了天地，你不肯跟老公洞房花烛，却到丽春院来做小婊子，要老公做瘟生来梳笼你，真正犯贱。”阿珂本就秀丽无俦，这时酒醉之后，红烛之下更加显得千娇百媚。韦小宝色心大动，再也不理会郑克塽死活醉醒，将阿珂打横抱起，走进甘露厅侧的大房。
As she swallowed the wine, Trinket thought to himself’ ‘We are husband and wife, damn it! Since you wouldn’t do things properly, I’ll just have to treat you as if you were one of the girls here, and spend the night with you as if I was one of your customers.’ She looked prettier than ever, sitting there in the red lamplight. Trinket felt himself choking with desire for her. Throwing caution to the winds (who could tell when Sir Zheng would come round’), he picked her up bodily and carried her into the chamber next door.

这间大房是接待豪客留宿的，一张大床足有六尺来阔，锦褥绣被，陈设华丽。韦小宝将阿珂轻轻放在床上，回出来拿了烛台，放在床头桌上，只见阿珂脸上红艳艳地，不由得一颗心扑通、扑通的乱跳，俯身给她脱去长袍，露出贴身穿着的淡绿亵衣。
This was a luxuriously appointed bedroom, kept for the better’heeled customers who wanted to stay the night. The large bed (at least six feet wide) was covered with a beautifully embroidered brocade quilt. Trinket laid Green gently down on the bed, and went to fetch a lamp, which he placed on one of the bedside tables. Her beautiful face, flushed with the wine, glowed in the lamplight. He was beside himself. His heart started thumping wildly. He lent over her, and removed her gown. Now she had nothing on but a flimsy, pale’green undergarment.

他伸手去解她亵衣的扣子，突然听得背后脚步声响，一人冲了进来，正要回头，辫子一紧，耳朵一痛，又已给韦春芳抓住了。韦小宝低声道：“妈，快放手！”韦春芳骂道：“小王八蛋，咱们人虽穷，院子里的规矩可坏不得。扬州九大名院，那有偷客人钱的。快出去！”韦小宝急道：“我不是偷人钱啊。”韦春芳用力拉他辫子，拚命扯了他回到自己房中，骂道：“你不偷客人钱，解人家衣服干甚么？这几十两银子，定是做小贼偷来的。辛辛苦苦的养大你，想不到你竟会去做贼。”一阵气苦，流下泪来，拿起床头的两锭银子，摔在地下。
He was starting to undo the buttons when he heard the sound of footsteps behind him. Someone had come into the room. Before he could turn around, he felt his pigtail tighten, and his ears twisted in a vice’like grip. It was Spring Fragrance again, en deshabille. His precautions had been in vain. ‘Mum!’ hissed Trinket. ‘Let go!’ ‘You rotten little turtle’egg!’ cried his mother. ‘We may be poor folk, but whore’house rules are whore’house rules, and they mustn’t be broken! This is one of Yangzhou’s top nine establishments, and we pride ourselves on never stealing a customer’s money!’ ‘But mum!’ wailed Trinket. ‘I wasn’t stealing!’ Spring Fragrance would not let go. She gave him another tug on the pigtail and dragged him back to her room. ‘If you weren’t stealing, what exactly were you doing, taking off a customer’s clothes like that, and going through his things’ I’ll bet those thirty taels you gave me were all stolen too! When I think of the years I spent rearing you, and look what you’ve turned into’ a common thief!’ She started bawling her heart out, and threw the silver Trinket had given her on the floor.

韦小宝难以解释，若说这客人女扮男装，其实是自己老婆，一则说来话长，二则母亲说甚么也不会相信，只道：“我为甚么要偷人家钱？你瞧，我身边还有许多银子。”从怀中掏出一大叠银票，说道：“妈，这些银子我都要给你的，怕一时吓坏了你，慢慢再给你。”
Trinket was in a bit of a fix. It would take him an age to explain to his mother that the gentleman’customer was actually a woman dressed as a man, and that she was in fact his duly betrothed. And she wouldn’t believe rne story anyway. It sounded about as unlikely as any story could. He tried another tack. ‘Why should I want to steal other people’s money’ I’ve got plenty of my own. Look!’ So saying he took out a great wad of notes from his inside pocket. ‘Mum, this is all for you! I’d have given you more, but I was afraid it might have been too much of a shock, all coming at once.’

韦春芳见几百两的银票共有数十张之多，只吓得睁大了眼，道：“这……这……小贼，你……你……你还不是从那两个相公身上摸来的？你转世投胎，再做十世小王八蛋，也挣不到这许多银子，快去还了人家。咱们在院子里做生意，有本事就骗人家十万八万，却是要瘟生心甘情愿，双手奉送。只要偷了人家一个子儿，二郎神决不饶你，来世还是干这营生。小宝，娘是为你好！”说到后来，语气转柔，又道：“人家明日醒来，不见了这许多银子，那有不吵起来的？衙门里公差老爷来一查，捉了你去，还不打得皮开肉烂的吗？乖小宝，咱们不能要人家这许多银子。”说来说去，总是要儿子去还钱。韦小宝心想：“妈缠七夹八，这件事一时说不明白了，闹到老鸨、乌龟知道了，大家来一乱，这件事全坏啦。”心念一动，已有了主意，便道：“好，好，妈，就依你的。”携了母亲的手来到甘露厅，将一叠银票都塞在郑克塽怀里，拉出自己两个衣袋底，拍拍身上，道：“我一两银子也没了，你放心罢？”韦春芳叹了口气，道：“好，要这样才好。”
Spring Fragrance was looking at twenty or thirty notes, each one worth several hundreds of taels. It was a fortune. She just stared. ‘What. . . the . . . Did you steal all of this from those two gents’ You could never earn this much-not even if you hatched out of your turtle’egg ten times over! Go on, give it back to them! It’ll only bring trouble! You’ll only get caught! They’ll only have you beaten! Trinket my boy, we don’t want to take all this money from other people!’ She meant every word of it. There really seemed no way round it but to humour her. So Trinket took her by the hand and led her down to Sweet Dew Parlour, where he solemnly stuffed the notes into Sir Zheng’s pocket. Then he patted his own pockets to show that they were empty. There, mum. Happy now?’ She breathed a sigh of relief. ‘Yes, my boy. That’s much better.’

A Strange Brotherhood

韦小宝回到自己房里，见母亲下身穿着一条旧裤，不由得嗤的一笑。韦春芳弯起手指，在他额头卜的一记，骂道：“我起身解手，摸不到裤子，就知你不干好事去了。”说着不禁笑了起来。韦小宝道：“啊哟，不好，要拉屎。”抱住肚子，匆匆走出。韦春芳怕他又去甘露厅，见他走向后院茅房，这才放心，心道：“你再要去花厅，总逃不过老娘的眼去。”

韦小宝走出边门，飞奔回到何园。守门亲兵伸手拦住，喝道：“干甚么？”韦小宝道：“我是钦差大人，你不认得了吗？”那亲兵一惊，仔细一看，果是钦差大人，忙道：“是，是大人……”韦小宝那等他说完，快步回到房中，说道：“好双儿，快快，帮我变回钦差大人。”一面说，一面力扯身上长衫。双儿服侍他洗脸更衣，笑道：“钦差大人私行察访，查到了真相吗？”韦小宝道：“查到了，咱们这就去拿人。你快穿亲兵衣服，再叫八名亲兵随我去。”双儿道：“要不要叫徐老爷子们？”韦小宝心想：“郑克塽和阿珂已经迷倒，手到擒来，不费吹灰之力。徐天川他们要是跟了去，又不许我杀姓郑的那臭小子了。叫了亲兵同去，是摆架子吓我娘、吓老鸨龟儿的。”便道：“不用了。”
Trinket sneaked back to his Temporary Residence in the Ho Garden, and told Doublet to help him wash and change back into his formal mandarin attire.’Well’ she said quizzically, ‘was your tour of inspection successful?”Very,’ he replied. ‘And now we are going back to make some arrests. You’d better get into a guard’s uniform yourself. And call out eight other guards to come with us.”What about Mr Xu and the others?’ asked Doublet. She was referring to Apothecary Xu and the other Triad Brothers. ‘No need to bother them’ was Trinket’s reply. The truth was, he didn’t want to have his hands tied when dealing with Zheng Keshuang. He knew the Triads would not stand by and watch the grandson of their great hero Coxinga being harshly treated.

双儿穿起亲兵服色，道：“咱们叫曾姑娘同去，好不好？”亲兵队中只有她跟曾柔两个是女扮男装，两个少女这些日子相处下来，已然十分亲密。韦小宝心想：“要抱阿珂到这里来，她一个不行，须得两个人抬才是。钦差大人不能当着下人动手，又不能让亲兵的臭手碰到我老婆的香身？”说道：“很好，你叫她一起去，可别叫王屋派那些人。”
Doublet put on her uniform. ‘Should we ask Zeng Rou to come with us?’ she asked. The two girls had spent a lot of time in each other’s company, since becoming the only two female members of Trinket’s guard, and had struck up a close friendship. Trinket reflected for a minute. He might need an extra pair of hands to help carry Green back. ‘Very well. Tell her to come along. But don’t go disturbing the whole Wang Wu Clan.’

曾柔本就穿着亲兵装束，片刻便即就绪。韦小宝带着二女和八名亲兵，又到丽春院来。两个亲兵上去打门，喝道：“参将大人到，快开门迎接。”众亲兵得了嘱咐，只说韦小宝是参将，要吓吓老鸨、龟儿，一名参将已绰绰有余。打了半天，大门才呀的一声开了，一名龟奴迎了出来，叫道：“有客！”这两个字叫得没精打采。韦小宝怕他认得自己，不敢向他瞧去。一名亲兵喝道：“参将老爷驾到，叫老鸨好好侍候。”韦小宝来到厅上，老鸨出来迎接，对韦小宝瞧也不瞧，便道：“请老爷去花厅吃茶。”韦小宝心想：“你不瞧我最好，免得认了我出来，也不用见我妈了，吩咐他们抬了阿珂和郑克塽走便是。”只是这老鸨平素接待客人十分周到，对官面上的更是恭敬客气，今日却这等冷淡，话声也很古怪，不觉微感诧异。他走进甘露厅，只见酒席未收，郑克塽仍是仰坐在椅中，正待下令，只见一个衣着华丽之人走了过来，说道：“韦大人，你好！”
Zeng Rou was already in her guard’s uniform, so in a matter of minutes they were able to set off in the direction of Vernal Delights’ Trinket, the two girls in disguise, and eight of his regular Palace Guards. Two of his guards knocked on the brothel door, proclaiming’ ‘His Excellency the Colonel wishes to inspect these premises! Open up!’ They were under instructions to limit Trinket’s rank to that of a colonel. That would already be sufficient to overawe the Madame and her womenfolk. It took a fair amount of knocking to arouse a response from within, but finally the door creaked open and one of the old serving’women poked her head out. ‘Visitors!’ she announced in rather an unenthusiastic tone of voice. Tell your Mistress to come down. The Colonel wishes to see her.’ The Madame received them in the main hall. Trinket thought there was something a little odd, almost offhand, about the way she was behaving towards them. They proceeded on to the Sweet Dew Parlour. There Trinket saw Sir Zheng still slumped in his chair, and was about to give orders for his removal, when he was interrupted by a voice behind him: ‘Lord Wei! How are you keeping?’

韦小宝一惊，心道：“你怎认得我？”向他瞧去，这一惊非同小可，弯腰伸手，便去摸靴中匕首。突觉手上一紧，身后有人抓住了他手腕，冷冷的道：“好好坐下罢，别动粗！”左手抓住他后领，提起他身子，往椅中一送。韦小宝暗暗叫苦，但听得双儿一呼娇叱，已跟那人动上了手。曾柔上前夹击，旁边一个锦衣公子发掌向她劈去，两人斗了起来。
Trinket spun round, to behold a richly attired man bearing down upon him. He sensed danger, and reached instinctively for the dagger in his boot. But before he could lay a hand on it, he felt his arm caught in a tight grip from behind, and was heaved up into the air by both wrists.’Sit down, and don’t try anything!’The person behind him had now gripped his neck with his left hand, and proceeded to dump him unceremoniously in a chair. Trinket winced with pain. At the same time he heard Doublet give a short cry, and saw her throw herself at his assailant. Zeng Rou also joined the fray, and was soon exchanging blows with a smartly dressed young man to the side.

韦小宝凝目一看，这锦衣公子原来也是女扮男装，是阿珂的师姊阿琪。跟双儿相斗之人身材高瘦，却是西藏喇嘛桑结，这时身穿便装，头上戴帽，拖了个假瓣。第一个衣着华丽之人则是蒙古王子葛尔丹。
Trinket glanced briefly at this young man, and knew at once that ‘he’ was yet another girl dressed in man’s clothes. It was only a matter of seconds before he recognized this person as Green’s older (but only just) sister’in’arms, Ah Ki, otherwise known as Blue. The man now tussling with Doublet (the man who had dumped Trinket in the chair) was the wiry Tibetan Lama Sangge (such was the name he went by among the Chinese, his actual Tibetan name- sDe’srid Sangs’rgyas’rgya’mtsho-being considered a trifle unpronounceable), whom he had last seen running off into the distance with yellow liquid oozing from all his decomposing fingers. On the present occasion he was wearing ordinary non’lamaist clothes, and a hat with a false pigtail attached to it. As for the very first person, the man in the rich attire, he on closer inspection turned out to be the Mongol Prince Galdan.

韦小宝心道：“我忒也胡涂，明明听得郑克塽塽说约了葛尔丹在此相会，怎不防到这一着？我一见阿珂，心里就迷迷糊糊的，连老子姓甚么也忘了。他妈的，我老子姓甚么，本来就不知道，倒也难怪。”只听得双儿“啊哟”一声，腰里已被桑结点了穴道，摔倒在地。这时曾柔还在和阿琪狠斗，阿琪招式虽精，苦于出手无力，几次打中了曾柔，却伤她不得。桑结走近身去，两招之间就把曾柔点倒。八名亲兵或被桑结点倒，或被葛尔丹打死，摔在厅外天井中。桑结嘿嘿一笑，坐了下来，说道：“韦大人，你师父呢？”
Trinket cursed himself for being such a fool. Green and Sir Zheng had referred several times to the Mongols they were expecting to meet. But he had been too blinded by his infatuation with Green to pay proper attention.There was a thud as Doublet fell to the ground, immobilized by a blow from the Tibetan Sangge, aimed at the Vital Point in the small of her back. Zeng Rou was still locked in combat with Blue. Sangge had soon intervened and immobilized her as well. As for the eight regular guards, within minutes they were all lying sprawled in the courtyard outside, the lucky ones immobilized by the Tibetan, the less lucky ones killed by the Mongol Prince.Sangge laughed darkly.’So, Lord Wei’ he said, taking a seat, ‘and where is your Shifu?’

说着伸出双手，直伸到他面前。只见他十根手指都少了一截，本来手指各有三节，现下只剩下两节，极为诡异可怖，韦小宝暗暗叫苦：“那日他翻阅经书，手指沾上了我所下的毒，这人居然狠得起心，将十根手指都斩了下来。今日老子落在他手中，一报还一报，把我十根手指也都斩下一截，那倒还不打紧，怕的是把我脑袋斩下一截。”
So saying, he held out both of his hands. He had been obliged to chop off the last joint of every one of his fingers, to prevent the decomposition from spreading any further. It was a fearful sight. Trinket shuddered at the thought of the kind of vengeance he would be seeking. It would certainly be more than a finger for a finger. Sangge seemed pleased to have struck fear into Trinket’s heart.

桑结见他吓得呆了，甚是得意，说道：“韦大人，当日我见你小小孩童，不知你是朝中大大的贵人，多有得罪。”韦小宝道：“不敢当。当日我只道你是一个寻常喇嘛，不知你是一位大大的英雄，多有得罪。”桑结哼了一声，问道：“你怎知我是英雄了？”韦小宝道：“有人在经书上下了剧毒，想害我师父，给我师父识破了，不敢伸手去碰。你定要瞧这部经书，我师父无可奈何，只好给你。大喇嘛，你手指中毒之后，当机立断，立刻就把毒手指斩去，真正了不起！自己抹脖子自杀容易，自己斩去十根手指，古往今来，从来没哪一位大英雄干过。想当年关云长刮骨疗毒，不皱一皱眉头，那也是旁人给他刮骨，要他自己斩手指，那就万万不能。你比关云长还厉害，这不是自古以来天下第一位大英雄么？”
‘Lord Wei, I fear I slighted you on a previous occasion. I did not realize then that such a young person could occupy such a high position at Court.’ ‘I owe you an apology too,’ returned Trinket. ‘I took you for an ordinary run’of’the’mill lama.’ Sangge cleared his throat. ‘And how do you know I am not ordinary?’ ‘You must have been very brave indeed to chop off your own finger’ends. A real hero!’

桑结明知他大拍马屁，不过想自己对他手下留情，比之哀求饶命，相差也是无几，不过这些言语听在耳里，倒也舒服受用。当日自己狠砍下十根手指，这才保得性命，虽然双手残废，许多武功大打折扣，但想到彼时生死悬于一线，自己竟有这般刚勇，心下也常自引以为傲。他带同十二名师弟，前来中原劫夺《四十二章经》，结果十二人尽皆丧命，自己还闹得双手残废，如此倒霉之事，自然对人绝口不提，也从来无人敢问他为何会斩去十根手指，因此韦小宝这番话，还是第一次听见。大喇嘛阴沉沉的脸上，不自禁多了几丝笑意，说道：“韦大人，我们得知你驾临扬州，大家便约齐了来跟你相会。你专门跟平西王捣蛋，坏了他老人家不少大事。额驸想回云南探亲，也是给你阻住的，是不是？”
Sangge knew he was being made fun of. But at the same time, there was some truth in what Trinket had just said. It had required exceptional courage at the time, to chop off the last joints of his fingers; but it had been a matter of life and death. His entire mission had failed; his twelve fellow lamas, the ones who had accompanied him to China in his bid to steal the famous Sutra in Forty’Two Sections, had all perished. And he had been left alone, maimed, and capable now of executing only a highly curtailed version of his own deadly style of kungfu. The faintest hint of a smile crossed Sangge’s brooding face. ‘Lord Wei, we knew you were coming here to Yangzhou, and that is why we arranged to gather here together. You are the one person who seems capable of causing trouble for our ally Satrap Wu. You even prevented his son from leaving Peking and travelling south. Am I right?’

韦小宝道：“各位消息倒灵通，当真了得！这次我出京，皇上吩咐了甚么话，各位知不知道？”桑结道：“倒要请教。”韦小宝道：“好说，好说。皇上说道：‘韦小宝，你去扬州办事，只怕吴三桂要派人行刺，朕有些放心不下。好在他儿子在朕手里，要是你有甚么三长两短，朕把吴应熊这小子一模一样的两短三长便了。吴三桂派人割了你一根小指头儿，吴应熊这小子也不免少一根小指头儿。吴三桂这老小子派人杀你，等于杀他自己儿子。’我说：‘皇上，别人的儿子我都可以做，吴三桂的儿子却一定不做。’皇上哈哈大笑。就这么着，我到扬州来啦。”
‘Well, you certainly seem well informed!’ commented Trinket. ‘I am deeply impressed.’ As he spoke, he was thinking fast. ‘And I suppose you know exactly what the Emperor said to me when he sent me here?’ ‘Pray enlighten us,’ said Sangge. ‘Well, I’ll tell you anyway. Not so sure about enlightening anyone. He just said he was worried that the Satrap might try to have me assassinated while I was in Yangzhou, in which case, he said, I was to remind the would’be assassins that he was holding the Satrap’s son prisoner, and that whatever happened to me would also happen to Young Wu.’

桑结和葛尔丹对望一眼，两人脸色微变。桑结道：“我和王子殿下这次到扬州来找你，初时心想皇帝派出来的钦差，定是甚么了不起的人物，哪知道我二人远远望了一望，却原来是老相识，连这位阿琪姑娘，也识得你的。”韦小宝笑道：“咱们是老相好了。”
Sangge and Galdan exchanged a meaningful glance. This piece of information seemed to have slightly taken the wind out of their sails. ‘When Prince Galdan and I arranged to come here to meet the Emperor’s man’ began Sangge, ‘we had no idea it would be you, someone we had already encountered! Why, even Ah Ki here seems to know you.’Trinket smiled.’Oh yes, we’re old friends-‘

阿琪拿起桌上的一只筷子，在他额头一戳，啐道：“谁跟你是老相好？”桑结道：“我们约了台湾郑二公子在这里相会，原是要商量怎么对你下手，想不到你竟会自己送上门来，可省了我们不少力气。”韦小宝道：“正是。皇上向王子手下那大胡子罕帖摩盘问了三天，甚么都知道了。”桑结和葛尔丹听到罕帖摩的名字，都大吃一惊，同时站起，问道：“甚么？”
The Blue Girl picked a chopstick off the table and jabbed it at Trinket’s forehead.’I’m no friend of yoursl’Sangge continued”We had agreed to meet here with Sir Zheng from Taiwan, in order to lay plans for your demise. But then you kindly obliged by presenting yourself to us on a plate.”Indeed,’ said Trinket. ‘Of course, you’re aware that His Majesty has had the pleasure of spending three whole days chatting with that big bearded Mongol fellow who works for your Prince friend-Hatiemo, I think his name is. There’s very little His Majesty does not know by now about your plans.’Sangge and Galdan seemed greatly shocked to hear Hatiemo’s name mentioned. They both stood up, and asked Trinket to explain what had in fact transpired between the Emperor and Galdan’s secret emissary.

韦小宝道：“那也没甚么。皇上跟罕帖摩说的是蒙古话，叽哩咕噜的，我一句也不懂。后来皇上赏了他好多银子，派他去兵部尚书明珠大人手下办事，过不了三天，就派我去催他快些画地图。这些行军打仗的事，我也不懂。我对皇上说：‘皇上，蒙古、西藏，地方太冷，你要派兵去打仗，奴才跟你告个假，到扬州花花世界去逛逛罢。’”葛尔丹满脸忧色，问道：“你说小皇帝要派兵去打蒙古、西藏？”
‘Oh, I wouldn’t know,’ said Trinket casually. ‘Most of the time they were babbling away in Mongolian, and I couldn’t understand a word of it. All I know is that afterwards, His Majesty rewarded him with a large sum of money and sent him off to work for Lord Mingju at the Board of War. I had to go over there a few days later and tell him to hurry up with some map or other he was drawing. I’m not really up on military matters, campaigns and the like. I just told the Emperor that I personally wasn’t available for any invasion of Tibet or Mongolia that he might have planned. I said it was much too cold for me out there. I’d rather take some leave and come down south to Yangzhou for a good time. . . .’Galdan looked extremely preoccupied by these tantalizing scraps of information Trinket had dangled before him.’You mean to say the Emperor is actually thinking of sending troops into Tibet and Mongolia?’

韦小宝摇头道：“这种事情，我不大清楚了。皇上说：‘咱们最好只对付一个老家伙。蒙古、西藏要是帮咱们，咱们就当他们是朋友；他们要是帮老家伙，咱们没法子，只好先发制人。’”桑结和葛尔丹对望了一眼，心中略宽，都坐了下来。葛尔丹问起罕帖摩的情形，韦小宝于他形貌举止，描绘得活龙活现，不由葛尔丹和桑结不信。
Trinket vaguely shook his head.’I’m not sure. I honestly don’t understand such things. But I do remember His Majesty saying to me that his main target was “acertain other person beginning with the Tibetans and Mongols were on his side in that particular conflict. Then he could think of them as friends and not bother them. But if they insisted on siding with “a certain other person”, he would have no choice but to go to war against them too.’

韦小宝见他二人都眉头微蹙，料想他二人得知罕帖摩降清，蒙古、西藏和吴三桂勾结之事已瞒不过小皇帝，生怕康熙先下手为强；眼见双儿和曾柔都给点了穴道，躺在地下，那八名亲兵多半均已呜呼哀哉，他这次悄悄来到丽春院，生恐给人发见自己身世秘密，因此徐天川、张勇、赵齐贤等无一得知，看来等到自己给人剁成肉酱，做成了扬州出名的狮子头，不论红烧也罢，清蒸也罢，甚至再加蟹粉，还是无人来救；既无计脱身，只有信口开河，聊胜于坐以待毙，说道：“皇上听说葛尔丹王子武功高强，英雄无敌，倒也是十分佩服的。”
It was crucial that he let the two of them know that their game was up, that Hatty had gone over to the Manchus, that the Emperor knew all. Trinket was frantically playing for time. As he always did when he was in a tight spot, he was improvising. And this time his plight was pretty desperate. Doublet and Zeng Rou were lying there immobilized; his eight guards were either dead or out of action. And since this little visit of his had been undertaken in absolute secrecy, none of his other potential reinforcements (Triads, Guards) were going to turn up to save him. He felt an impending sense of doom. He felt like the raw material for a tasty dish, the main ingredient of which was well’minced meat, some sort of meatball speciality (like the famous Yangzhou Lion’s Head, for example), served in a rich gravy, or steamed, or mixed with ground crabmeat. . . . What the hell, however it was cooked, he’d rather not be part of it. And if he was to survive, he simply had to keep talking. ‘His Majesty has often spoken to me of his high regard for your kungfu, Prince Galdan.’

葛尔丹微笑问道：“皇帝也练武功么？怎知道我有武功？”韦小宝道：“皇上自然会武的，还挺不错呢。殿下那日在少林寺大显身手，只打得少林寺方丈甘拜下风，达摩堂、罗汉堂、般若堂三堂首座望风披靡。兄弟都向皇上细细说了。”那日葛尔丹在少林铩羽而去，此刻听韦小宝为他大吹法螺，在桑结之前大有面子，不禁脸现得意之色。韦小宝道：“少林寺方丈晦聪大师的武功，在武林中也算是数一数二的了，可是王子殿下衣袖只这么一拂，晦聪方丈便站立不定，一交坐倒，幸亏他坐下去时，屁股底下恰好有个蒲团，才不摔坏了那几根老头骨……”其实那天葛尔丹是给晦聪袍袖一拂，一交坐在椅上，再也站不起来，韦小宝却把话倒转来说了，心道：“晦聪师兄待我不错，但今日做师弟的身遇血光之灾，眼看就要圆寂坐化，前往西天，只好空即是色，色即是空，师兄胜即是败，败即是胜。”
Galdan smiled. ‘Does His Majesty practice kungfu himself’ How does he come to know of my own humble abilities in that field’1 ‘Oh, he’s not a bad fighter himself, not bad at all. And 1 gave him a full description of your masterful display of kungfu that day when we first met in the grounds of the Shaolin Temple. As I remember, you totally outshone even the Shaolin Masters themselves.’ Prince Galdan knew that this was far from the truth. In fact, his visit to the Shaolin Monastery had not been a large success. But he was grateful to Trinket for inflating his reputation in this way. ‘Why’ continued Trinket, ‘one flick of your sleeve, and you unbalanced the abbot, Pathet Wisdom. And he’s quite some fighter himself. He hit the ground so heavily, it was a mercy for him that he landed on a meditation cushion, or he’d have broken his bum’bone!’ with the merest flick of a sleeve.Trinket made a mental note that he should one day apologize to the old abbot for having so misrepresented him. ‘But he’s bound to understand my predicament. And after all, to a truly enlightened monk, all things are relative, even the truth.’

嘴里胡言乱语，心中胡思乱想，一双眼睛东张西望，一瞥眼间，只见阿琪似笑非笑，一双妙目盯在葛尔丹脸上，眼光中充满着情意。韦小宝心念一动：“这恶姑娘想做蒙古王妃。”便道：“皇上说道：‘葛尔丹王子武功既高，相貌又漂亮，他要娶王妃，该当娶一个年轻美貌、也有武功的姑娘才是……’”
Even as he continued to babble on, Trinket glanced furtively around him. He noticed a barely perceptible smile on the Blue Girl’s face. She fixed her beautiful eyes on Prince Galdan, and Trinket thought he could read a whole love story in her gaze.’Why, the little fox wants to be a Mongol Princess!’ he thought to himself, and this set him off again. ‘His Majesty said to me one day that he hoped Prince Galdan would find himself a wife with the good looks and kungfu skills to match his own. Someone even more beautiful and more talented than the Peerless Consort. Well, I’d say you’d done pretty well for yourself!’

偷眼向阿琪瞧去，果见她脸上一红，神色间十分关注，接着道：“……那陈圆圆虽然号称天下第一美人，可是现下年纪大了，葛尔丹又何必定要娶她呢？”阿琪忍不住道：“谁说他要娶陈圆圆了？又来瞎说！”葛尔丹摇头道：“哪有此事？”韦小宝道：“是啊。我说：‘启禀皇上：葛尔丹王子殿下有个相好的姑娘，叫做阿琪姑娘……’”阿琪啐了一口，脸上神色却十分欢喜。葛尔丹向她笑吟吟的望了一眼。韦小宝续道：“‘……这位阿琪姑娘武功天下第三，只不及桑结大喇嘛、葛尔丹王子殿下，比之皇上，嘻嘻，似乎还强着一点儿，奴才说的是老实话，皇上可别见怪……’”桑结本来听得有些气闷，但听他居然对皇帝说自己是武功天下第一，明知这小鬼的说话十成中信不了半成，但也不自禁怡然自得，鼻中却哼了一声，示意不信。

韦小宝续道：“皇上说：‘我不信。这小姑娘武功再好，难道还强得过她师父吗？’我说：‘皇上有所不知。这小姑娘的师父，是一位身穿白衣的尼姑，武功本来是很高的，算得上天下第三。可是有一次跟桑结大喇嘛比武，给桑结大喇嘛一掌劈过去，那师太抵挡不住，全身内功散得无影无踪。因此武功天下第三的名号，就给她徒儿抢去了。’”阿琪听他说穿自己师承的来历，心下惊疑不定：“他怎会知道我师父？”

桑结虽未和九难动过手，但十二名师弟尽数在她师徒手下死于非命，实是生平的奇耻大辱，此刻听韦小宝宣称九难被自己一掌劈得内功消散，实是往自己脸上大大贴金。他和葛尔丹先前最担心的，都是怕韦小宝揭露自己的丑史，因此均想尽快杀了此人灭口，待听他将自己的大败说成大胜，倒也不忙杀他了。桑结向阿琪凝视片刻，心想：“我此刻才知，原来你是那白衣小尼姑的徒儿。这中间只怕有点儿古怪。”阿琪问道：“你说陈圆圆甚么的，又怎样了？”

韦小宝道：“那陈圆圆，我在昆明是亲眼见过的。不瞒姑娘说，她比我大了好几岁，不过‘天下第一美人’这六个字，的确名不虚传。我一见之下，登时灵魂儿出窍，手脚冰冷，全身发抖，心中只说‘世上哪有这样美貌的人儿？’阿琪姑娘，你的师妹阿珂，算得是很美了，但比之这个陈圆圆，容貌体态，那可差得太多。”阿琪自然知道阿珂容颜绝美，远胜于己，又知韦小宝对阿珂神魂颠倒，连他都这般说，只怕这话倒也不假，但嘴上兀自不肯服气，说道：“你这小孩儿是个小色迷，见到人家三分姿色，就说成十分。陈圆圆今年至少也四十几岁了，就算从前美貌，现今也不美了。”韦小宝连连摇头道：“不对，不对。像你阿琪姑娘，今年不过十八九岁，当然美得不得了。再过三十年，一定仍然美丽之极，你要是不信，我跟你打个赌。如果三十年后你相貌不美了，我割脑袋给你。”

阿琪嘻的一笑，任何女人听人称自己美貌，自然开心，而当着自己情郎之面称赞，更加心花怒放，何况她对自己容色本就颇有自信，想来三十年后，自己也不会难看多少。韦小宝只盼她答应打这赌，那么葛尔丹说不定会看在意中人面上，便让自己再活三十年，到那时再决输赢，也还不迟。不料桑结哼了一声，冷冷的道：“就可惜你活不过今晚了。阿琪姑娘三十年后的芳容，你没福气见到啦。”韦小宝嘻嘻一笑，说道：“那也不打紧。只盼大喇嘛和王子殿下记得我这句话，到三十年后的今天，就知韦小宝有先见之明了。”桑结、葛尔丹、阿琪三人忍不住都哈哈大笑。

韦小宝道：“我到昆明，还是几个月之前的事，我是送建宁公主去嫁给吴三桂的儿子，你们三位都知道的了。本来这是大大的喜事，可是一进昆明城里，只见每条街上都有人在号啕大哭，隔不了几家，就是一口棺材，许多女人和小孩披麻戴孝，哭得昏天黑地。”葛尔丹和阿琪齐问：“那为了甚么？”韦小宝道：“我也奇怪得很哪。一问云南的官儿，大家支支吾吾的都不肯说。后来我派亲兵出去打听，才知道了，原来这天早晨，陈圆圆听说公主驾到，亲自出来迎接。她从轿子里一出来，昆明十几万男人就都发了疯，个个拥过去看她，都说天上仙女下凡，你推我拥，踹死了好几千人。平西王帐下的武官兵丁起初拚命弹压，后来见到了陈圆圆，大家刀枪也都掉了下来，个个张大了口，口水直流，只是瞧着陈圆圆。”

桑结、葛尔丹、阿琪三人你瞧瞧我，我瞧瞧你，均想：“这小孩说话定然加油添酱，不过陈圆圆恐怕当真美貌非凡，能见上一见就好了。”韦小宝见三人渐渐相信，又道：“王子殿下，平西王麾下有个总兵，叫做马宝，你听过他名字么？”葛尔丹和阿琪都点了点头。他二人和马宝曾同去少林寺，怎不认得？葛尔丹道：“那天在少林寺中，你也见过他的。”韦小宝道：“是他么？我倒忘了。当日我只留神王子殿下大显神功，打倒少林寺的高僧，没空再瞧旁人，就算稍有一点儿空闲，也只顾到向阿琪姑娘的花容月貌偷偷多看上几眼。”阿琪啐了他一口，心中却甚喜欢。

葛尔丹问道：“马总兵又怎么了？”韦小宝叹了口气，说道：“马总兵也就是这天出的事。他奉平西王将令保护陈圆圆，那知道他看得陈圆圆几眼，竟也胡里胡涂了，居然过去摸了摸她那又白又嫩的小手。后来平西王知道了，打了他四十军棍。马总兵悄悄对人说：‘我摸的是陈圆圆的左手，本来以为王爷要割了我一只手。早知道只打四十军棍，那么连她右手也摸一摸了。八十下军棍，未必就打得死我。’平西王驾下共有十大总兵，其余九名总兵都羡慕得不得了。这句话传到平西王耳里，他就传下将令，今后谁摸陈圆圆的手，非砍下双手不可。平西王的女婿夏国相，也是十大总兵之一，他就叫高手匠人先做下一双假手。他说自己有时会见到这个天仙似的岳母，万一忍不住要上去摸手，不如自己先做下假手，以免临时来不及定做，这叫做有甚么无患。”

葛尔丹只听得张大了口，呆呆出神。桑结不住摇头，连说：“荒唐，荒唐！”也不知是说十大总兵荒唐，还是说韦小宝荒唐。阿琪道：“你见过陈圆圆，怎不去摸她的手？”韦小宝道：“那是有缘故的。我去见陈圆圆之前，吴应熊先来瞧我，说我千里迢迢的送公主去给他做老婆，他很是感激。他从怀里掏出一副东西，金光闪闪，镶满了翡翠、美玉、红宝石、猫儿眼，原来是一副黄金手铐。”阿琪问道：“甚么手铐，这般珍贵？”韦小宝道：“是啊，当时我便问他是甚么玩意儿，总以为是他送给我的礼物。哪知他喀喇一声，把我双手铐住了。我大吃一惊，叫道：‘额驸，你干么拿我？我犯了甚么罪？’吴应熊道：‘钦差大人，你不可会错了意，兄弟是一番好意。你要去见我陈姨娘，这副手铐是非戴不可的，免得你忍耐不住，伸手摸她。倘若单是摸摸她的手，父王冲着你钦差大人的面子，也不会怎样。就只怕你一呀摸，二呀摸，三呀摸的摸起来，父王不免要犯杀害钦差大人的大罪。大人固然不妥，我吴家可也糟了。’我吓了一跳，就戴了手铐去见陈圆圆。”

阿琪越听越好笑，道：“我可真是不信。”韦小宝道：“下次你到北京，向吴应熊要这副金手铐来瞧瞧，就不由你不信了。他是随身携带的，以便一见陈圆圆，立刻取出戴上，只要慢得一步，那就乖乖不得了。”桑结哼了一声道：“陈圆圆是他庶母，难道他也敢有非礼的举动？”韦小宝道：“他当然不敢，因此随身携带这副金手铐啊。”阿琪道：“他到了北京，又何必再随身携带？”韦小宝一怔，心道：“糟糕！牛皮吹破了。”但他脑筋转得甚快，立即说道：“吴应熊本来想立刻回昆明的，又没想在北京长住。留在北京，那是不得已。”桑结瞪了他一眼，道：“那是你恩将仇报了。人家借手铐给你，很够交情，你却阻拦了他，不让他回云南。”

韦小宝摇头道：“吴应熊于我有甚么恩？他跟我有不共戴天之仇。”桑结奇道：“他得罪你甚么了？”韦小宝道：“还不得罪？借手铐给我，那比杀了我老子还恶毒。当时我若不是戴着这副手铐，陈圆圆的脸蛋也摸过了。唉。大喇嘛，王子殿下，只要我摸过陈圆圆那张比花瓣儿还美上一万倍的脸蛋，吴三桂砍下我这一双手又有甚么相干？就算他再砍下我一双腿，做成云南宣威火腿，又算得甚么？”三人神驰天南，想像陈圆圆的绝世容光，听了他这几句话竟然不笑。韦小宝压低嗓子，装出一副神秘莫测的模样，悄声道：“有个天大的秘密，三位听了可不能泄漏。本来是不能说的，不过难得跟三位谈得投机，不妨跟知己说说。”
Much as she loathed Trinket, Blue Girl could not help feeling a little thrill of pleasure at being praised for her beauty in the presence of the man she loved. What woman would not’ Somehow Trinket managed to find flattering things to say about all three of them. Sangge’s great regret was that he and his twelve disciples had been so utterly routed by Trinket’s Shifu, the White Nun. Trinket even managed to turn that story around to the Tibetan Lama’s credit. He soon had all three of them smiling and laughing.In his continuing need to keep his captors amused, Trinket succeeded in stringing out a whole series of stories concerning the Peerless Consort, including one about men having to wear handcuffs to stop themselves from touching her and getting into trouble. Each story was more fantastic than the last, but they were all told with such flair and conviction that he never for a moment lost his audience. Then, in a momentary lull, he reached for a trump card’ ‘There’s one extremely confidential secret that I’d like to share with you,’ he whispered, contorting his face in such a way that they could almost feel the pain he was experiencing in divulging this deep and closely guarded mystery.

葛尔丹忙问：“甚么机密？”韦小宝低声道：“皇上调兵遣将，要打吴三桂。”桑结等三人相视一笑，都想：“那是甚么机密了？皇上不打吴三桂，吴三桂也要起兵打皇上。”韦小宝道：“你们可知皇上为甚么要对云南用兵？那就难猜些了。”阿琪道：“难道也是为了陈圆圆？”韦小宝一拍桌子，显得惊异万分，说道：“咦！你怎么知道？”阿琪道：“我是随便猜猜。”
‘What is it?’ asked Galdan, still open’mouthed from Trinket’s previous tale. ‘It’s to do with the Emperor himself.’ Short pause for effect. ‘He’s about to launch a strike on Satrap Wu.’ The three exchanged a knowing smirk, each thinking the same thought’ ‘Big secret! If he didn’t strike first, the Satrap would be up in arms anyway. We all know that.’ ‘You’ll never guess why the Emperor wants to send troops down to Yunnan-‘ ‘Could that be to do with the Peerless Consort too?’ said Blue Girl. Trinket thumped the table in a dramatic display of surprise. ‘How on earth did you know?’ ‘Oh, I just guessed.’

韦小宝大为赞叹，说道：“姑娘真是女诸葛，料事如神。皇上做了皇帝，甚么都有了，就只少了这个‘天下第一美人’。上次皇上为甚么派我这小孩子去云南，却不派甚么德高望重、劳苦功高的大臣？就是要我亲眼瞧瞧，到底这女子是不是当真美得要命，再要我探探吴三桂的口风，肯不肯把陈圆圆献进宫去。派白胡子大臣去办这件事，总有点不好意思，是不是？哪知我只提得一句，吴三桂就拍案大怒，说道：‘你送一个公主来，就想掉换我的活观音？哼哼，就是一百个公主，我也不换。’”桑结和葛尔丹对望一眼，隐隐觉得上了吴三桂的大当，原来其中还有这等美色的纠葛。吴三桂当年“冲冠一怒为红颜”，正是为了陈圆圆，断送了大明三百年的江山，此事天下皆知。小皇帝年少风流，这种事倒也是在情理之中。
‘What a genius you are, my dear Miss Blue! Yes, the one thing missing in His Majesty’s almost’perfect life is exactly that’ the world’s most beautiful woman. That’s the real reason he sent me to Kunming. To check her out. I had to report back to him, and tell him if she really was as beautiful as everyone said she was. And I was to sound out the Satrap himself, and see if there was any chance of his giving her up, of his loyally presenting his Great Beauty to the Throne. Well, I’m sure you can all imagine how the Satrap reacted, when I let drop the slightest hint of all this. He was livid! He jumped up and down, he thumped the table, he . . .’ Trinket was off again. And extraordinarily enough, Galdan and Sangge found the story not in the least bit incredible. Everyone knew that it was his excessive love of this woman that had led the Satrap to betray his own people, and to sell his services to the Manchus. Everyone knew that the Emperor was a young man, with all the usual young man’s romantic aspirations. Why had they never thought of this before’ What they had seen all along as a political struggle between the Manchus and the Chinese was in fact infinitely more complicated than they had ever imagined. And tangled up in it was love for a beautiful woman.

韦小宝心道：“小玄子，你是鸟生鱼汤，决不贪图老乌龟的老婆。我小桂子大难临头，只好说你几句坏话，千万不好当真。”
Trinket, meanwhile, was busy mentally apologizing to his friend Misty for having misrepresented him as lusting after this older woman, especially since she belonged to his great enemy the Satrap. ‘I’m in a real fix here, Misty-I’m sure you understand!’

见桑结和葛尔丹都神色严重，又道：“我见吴三桂一发怒，就不敢再说。那时我在云南，虽带得几千兵马，怎敌得过吴三桂手下的千军万马？只好闷声大发财了，是不是啊？”葛尔丹点了点头。韦小宝道：“一天晚上，那大胡子罕帖摩来见我，他说是王子殿下派他去昆明跟吴三桂联络的。他在昆明却发觉情势不对，说蒙古人是成甚么汗的子孙，都是英雄好汉，干么为了吴三桂的一个美貌女子去打仗送死。他求我偷偷带他去北京见皇帝，要亲自对皇帝说，陈圆圆甚么的，跟蒙古王子、西藏喇嘛都不相干。蒙古葛尔丹王子早有了一位阿琪姑娘，不会再要陈圆圆的了。西藏大喇嘛也有了……有了很多美貌的西藏姑娘……”
Trinket took a quick look at Galdan and Sangge, and their serious expressions set him off again. ‘That reminds me of something else that happened when I was down in Kunming. Hatiemo came to see me one evening. He told me that Prince Galdan had sent him to liaise with the Satrap, and that he was really fed up when he found out what it was really all about. He was proud to be a Mongol, he said, a true son of Gengimoto Khan, or whatever his name is-and he thought it was a terrible thing for his master the Prince to get caught up in the Satrap’s personal fight over a woman. He asked me to tell the Emperor that this whole business about the Peerless Consort should not concern either Prince Galdan or the Great Lama Sangge. Prince Galdan had a ravishingly beautiful lady’friend of his own already, by the name of Ah Ki’ (more blushes of coy pleasure from Blue Girl), ‘and wasn’t interested in the Peerless Consort. And as for the Great Lama from Tibet, he no doubt had . . . well, had plenty of pretty Tibetan lady’lamas up his sleeve-‘

桑结大喝：“胡说！我们黄教喇嘛严守清规戒律，决不贪花好色。”韦小宝忙道：“那是罕帖摩说的，可不关我事。大喇嘛，罕帖摩为了讨好皇帝，叫他放心，不用担心你会抢陈圆圆，只怕是有的。”桑结哼了一声，道：“下次见到罕帖摩，须得好好问他一问，到底是他说谎，还是你说谎，如此败坏我的清誉。”
‘That’s enough!’ cried Sangge. ‘We Yellow Hats take the strictest vows of celibacy! I’ll thank you to keep the lusts of the flesh out of this, so far as I am concerned.”I’m only repeating what Hatiemo said,’ pleaded Trinket. ‘He was probably just trying to reassure His Majesty that you didn’t have designs on the Peerless Consort.’Sangge grunted.’I’ll go and see Hatiemo myself, and ask him if it was him who made up all this nonsense, or if it was you. Ruining a man’s reputation like that!’

韦小宝心中一喜：“他要去质问罕帖摩，看来一时就不会杀我了。”忙道：“是，是。下次你叫我跟罕帖摩当面对证好了。你们帮吴三桂造反，实在没甚么好处。就算造反成功，你们两位身边若不带备一副手铐，总还是心惊肉跳……”忽见桑结脸有怒色，忙道：“大喇嘛色即是空，空即是色，见了陈圆圆当然不会动心。不过，不过……唉！”桑结问道：“不过甚么？”韦小宝道：“上次我到昆明，陈圆圆出来迎接公主，不是挤死了好几千人么？这些死人的家里做法事，和尚道士忽然请不到了。”阿琪问道：“那为甚么？”韦小宝道：“许许多多和尚见到了陈圆圆，凡心大动，一天之中，昆明有几千名和尚还俗，不出家了。你想，突然间少了几千和尚，大做法事自然不够人手了。”葛尔丹等三人都将信将疑，觉他说得未免太玄，但于陈圆圆的美艳，却已决无怀疑。
‘Phew!’ thought Trinket. ‘At least if he takes the time to go and see Hatty, he may not get round to killing me for the time being. Keep on talking, Trink.”Your Reverence, no offence was meant, I’m sure! Why even if you were to set eyes on the Peerless Consort, and even if you didn’t have those special handcuffs on to stop yourself from fondling her, the thing is, you’re so wise and enlightened, you’re a Great Lama after all, you’re way beyond the Red Dust. I mean, way past anything like lust or sex. Beauty is the Void, all things must pass, and that sort of stuff . . . But-”But what?’ glowered Sangge.’But . . . it’s a known fact that in a single day thousands of ordinary monks in Kunming left their temples and renounced their vows, all because they’d caught one single glimpse of this Most Beautiful Person.’

阿琪向葛尔丹晃了一眼，轻轻的道：“昆明地方这等古怪，我是不去的了。你要帮吴三桂，你自己去罢。”葛尔丹忙道：“谁说要去昆明了？我又不想见陈圆圆。我看我们的阿琪姑娘，也不见得会输了给陈圆圆。”阿琪脸色沉了下来，说道：“你说我不见得会输了给陈圆圆，明明说我不及她。你就是想去见她。”说着站起身来，道：“我走啦！”葛尔丹大窘，忙道：“不，不！我对天发誓，这一生一世，决不看陈圆圆一眼。”阿琪回嗔作喜，坐了下来。韦小宝道：“你决不看陈圆圆一眼，这话是对的。不论是谁，一见到她，只看一眼怎么够？一百眼、一千眼也看不够啊。”葛尔丹骂道：“你这小鬼，就是会瞎说。我立誓永远不见陈圆圆的面就是。若是见了，教我两只眼睛立刻瞎了。”阿琪大喜，含情脉脉的凝视着他。
Blue Girl glanced at Galdan. ‘Well, I must say’ she commented, ‘Kunming sounds a very peculiar sort of place. If you want to go down there and help Satrap Wu, I’m afraid you’ll be going without me.’ ‘Who said I was going to Kunming?’ said Galdan hastily. ‘I’m not the least bit interested in seeing this Peerless Consort. And anyway, I’m sure you’re just as beautiful as she is.’ Blue Girl did not look pleased. ‘As beautiful’ Not morel So you do want to see her!’ She rose to her feet angrily. ‘I’m leaving-‘ ‘No! Don’t go!’ Galdan seemed most distressed. ‘I swear by heaven’s name that I’ll never ever look at Chen Yuanyuan.’ Blue Girl smiled, and sat down again, casting Galdan a loving look.

韦小宝道：“我听小皇帝说，真不明白你们两位帮吴三桂是为了甚么。倘若是要得陈圆圆，那没有法子，天下只一个陈圆圆，连小皇帝也没有。除了这美女之外，吴三桂有甚么，小皇帝比他多十倍还不止。你们两位只要帮皇帝，金银财宝，要多少有多少。”桑结冷冷的道：“西藏和蒙古虽穷，却也不贪图金银财宝。”韦小宝心想：“他二人不要金银财宝，也不要美女，最想要的是甚么？”念头一转，心道：“是了，小丈夫一日不可无钱，大丈夫一日不可无权。我韦小宝是小丈夫，他两个是大丈夫。”便道：“小皇帝说，葛尔丹只是个王子，还不够大，倘若帮我打吴三桂，我就封他为蒙古国王。”葛尔丹双目射出喜悦的光芒，额声问道：“皇……皇帝当真说过这句话？”韦小宝道：“当然！我为甚么骗你？”
‘His Majesty once said to me,’ said Trinket, ‘that he couldn’t understand why Prince Galdan and Reverent Sangge wanted to help Satrap Wu. Whatever Satrap Wu has got, the Emperor’s got ten times more of. If you were to side with him instead, he’d make you a King-and that’s better than being a Prince any day of the week.’ ‘Did he really say that?’ Galdan’s eyes were gleaming. His voice trembled with emotion. ‘Of course he did! Why would I lie to you?’

桑结道：“天下也没蒙古国王这衔头。皇帝如能帮着殿下做了准喀尔汗，殿下也就心满意足了。”韦小宝道：“可以，可以！这‘整个儿好’，皇帝一定肯封。”心想：“‘整个儿好’是他妈的甚么玩意儿？难道还有‘一半儿好’的？”桑结见他脸上神色，料想他不懂，说道：“蒙古分为几部，准喀尔是其中最大的一部。蒙古的王不叫国王，叫做汗。王子殿下还没做到汗。”韦小宝道：“原来如此。王子殿下只要帮皇上，做个把整个儿汗那还不容易？皇帝下一道圣旨，派几万兵马去，别的蒙古人还会反抗吗？”葛尔丹一听大喜，道：“皇帝如肯如此，那自然易办。”韦小宝一拍胸膛，说道：“你不用担心，包在我身上办到就是。皇上只恨吴三桂一人。阿琪姑娘虽然美貌，只要不给皇上瞧见，他包管不会来抢你的。至于桑结大喇嘛呢，你帮了皇上的忙，皇上自会封你做管治全西藏的大官。”他不知这大官叫做甚么，不敢乱说。桑结道：“全西藏是达赖活佛管的，可不能由皇上随便来封。”韦小宝道：“别人做得活佛，你为甚么不能做？西藏一共有几个活佛？”桑结道：“还有一个班禅活佛，一共是两位。”
There is no such thing as a King of the Mongols’ objected Sangge. ‘They call them Khans. Prince Galdan would, I am sure, be most grateful to the Emperor if he could help to make him the Khan of the Dzungars.’ ‘Of course he can do that!’ replied Trinket (not that he had the faintest idea who the Dzungars were, or what a Khan was). ‘All he has to do is send a hundred thousand of his men and none of the other Mongols is likely to stand up to him. And as for you, Your Reverence, I’m sure that if you come over to his side, he’ll make you top dog as well-whatever they call that in Tibet!’ ‘In our country, the two greatest and most powerful lamas of all are the Dalai Lama, the “Ocean of Wisdom”, and the Panchen Lama, the “Great Scholar”.’

韦小宝道：“是啊，一日不过三，甚么都要有三个才是道理。咱们请皇上再封一位桑结活佛，桑结大活佛专管达甚么、班甚么的两个小活佛。”桑结心中一动：“这小家伙瞎说一气，倒也有些道理。”想到此处，一张瘦削的脸上登时现出了笑容。
‘Well, if you can have two, why not three’ His Majesty can simply make you the Third Lama-call it what you will, the Sangge Lama if you like-and then he can make the other two your juniors.’ Sangge knew that Trinket was simply talking off the top of his head, but the extraordinary thing was that what he was saying had a certain logic. He’d even had similar ideas himself. A crafty smile stole its way across his sinister face.

韦小宝此时只求活命脱身，对方不论有甚么要求，都是一口答应，何况封准噶尔汗、西藏大活佛，又不用他费一两银子本钱，说道：“我不是吹牛，兄弟献的计策，皇帝有九成九言听计从。再说，两位肯帮着打吴三桂，皇帝不但要封赏两位，兄弟也是立了大功，非升官发财不可。常言道得好：‘朝里有人好做官。’兄弟在朝里做大官，两位分别在蒙古、西藏做大官。我说哪，咱三个不如拜把子做了结义兄弟，此后咱们三人有福共享，有难同当，不愿同年同月同日生，但愿同年同月同日死。天下除了小皇帝，就是咱三个大了，那岂不是美得很么？”心想：“但愿同年同月同日死，这句话是很要紧的。他二人只要一点了头，就不能再杀我了。再要杀我，等于自杀。”
Trinket was willing to promise anyone anything-provided it saved him from instant death. None of this would cost him personally anything, after all.’Believe me, if I propose this to the Emperor, it will happen. He always listens to my advice. And if you come over to his side, and help him against Satrap Wu, I’m sure I’ll get promoted as well. We’ll be a great team, the three of us! The sky’s the limit! I think we should take an Oath of Brotherhood here and now. For better, or for worse! We should swear to stick together through thick and thin, till death us do part. We’ll live and die together!'(That way, at least, they can’t kill me today!’ Trinket was thinking. They’d be killing themselves!’)

桑结和葛尔丹来到扬州之前，早已访查清楚，知道这少年钦差是小皇帝驾前的第一大红人，飞黄腾达，升官极快，只万万想不到原来便是那个早就认识的少年。葛尔丹原和他并无仇怨，桑结却给他害死了十二名师弟，斩去了十根手指，本来恨之切骨，但听了他这番言语后，心想众师弟人死不能复生，指头斩后不能重长，倘若将此人一掌打死，也不过出了一口恶气，徒然帮了吴三桂一个大忙，于自己却无甚利益，但如跟他结拜，倒十分实惠，好处甚多。两人你瞧瞧我，我瞧瞧你，都缓缓点头。
Before coming to Yangzhou for this fateful rendezvous, Galdan and Sangge had indeed ascertained that the Imperial Envoy was a great favourite of the Emperor, a young official whose star was very much on the rise. They had not dreamt for a moment that it would turn out to be the young rapscallion they had once encountered at Shaolin. Bit by bit they had been won over by Trinket’s plausible tales, and with this final prospect, they needed no further convincing. They could see that it was in fact in their own interests to switch sides and join the Emperor’s camp. They looked at one another and nodded silently.

韦小宝大喜过望，想不到一番言辞，居然打动了两个恶人之心，生怕二人反悔，忙道：“大哥、二哥、二嫂，咱们就结拜起来。二嫂拜不拜都成，你跟二哥拜了天地，那都是一家人了。”阿琪红着脸啐了一口，只觉这小孩说话着实讨人欢喜。
No one was more amazed at this turn of events than Trinket himself. He thought he had better clinch the deal before they thought better of it. ‘So, my brothers, let us take the oath. As for Sister Blue here, she is as good as married to the Prince already, so whether she takes the oath or not, she’s one of us.’ Blue could not help finding this young rascal’s way of talking appealing, despite everything.

桑结突然一伸手，拍了一声，将桌子角儿拍了下来。韦小宝吃了一惊，心道：“又干甚么了？”只听桑结厉声道：“韦大人，你今天这番话，我暂且信了你的。可是日后你如反复无常，食言而肥，这桌子角儿便是你的榜样。”韦小宝笑道：“大哥说哪里话来，我兄弟三人一起干事，大家都有好处。兄弟假如欺骗了你们，你们在蒙古、西藏发兵跟皇帝过不去，皇帝一怒之下，定要砍了我脑袋。两位哥哥请想，兄弟敢不敢对你们不住？”桑结点点头，道：“那也说得是。”当下三人便在厅上摆起红烛，向外跪拜，结拜兄弟，桑结居长，葛尔丹为次，韦小宝做了三弟。他向大哥、二哥拜过，又向阿琪磕头，满口“二嫂”，叫得好不亲热，心想：你做了我二嫂，以后见到我调戏我自己的老婆阿珂，总不好意思再来干涉了罢？阿琪提起酒壶，斟了四杯酒，笑道：“今日你们哥儿三个结义，但愿此后有始有终，做出好大的事业来。小妹敬你们三位一杯。”桑结笑道：“这杯酒自然是要喝的。”说着拿起了酒杯。
Sangge suddenly stretched out a hand and brought it down with a thump, breaking off a comer of the table. Trinket was startled. ‘What’s up now?’ ‘Lord Wei, I am going to trust you today. But if you ever go back on your word, may your bones be as broken as this table is now!’ So the three of them set up a great red candle in the room, and knelt down before it, taking a solemn Oath of Brotherhood. In this new (and strange) fraternity, Sangge ranked first, Galdan second, Trinket third. Blue poured wine, and they all raised their cups to drink a toast.

Even Stranger Womenfolk

韦小宝忙道：“大哥，且慢！这是残酒，不大干净。咱们叫人换过。”大声叫道：“来人哪！快取酒来。”微觉奇怪：“丽春院里怎么搞的？这许久也不见有人来侍候。”又想：“是了。老鸨、龟奴见到打架，又杀死了官兵，都逃得干干净净了。”正想到此处，却见走进一名龟奴，低垂着头，含含糊糊的道：“甚么事？”
‘Wait a moment!’ cried Trinket. ‘This wine is full of dregs-we should order some fresh! Hey there! Some wine!’ But even as he moved the jug aside and called for a servant to bring wine, he reflected to himself how strange it was that in all this time, while he had been making up one story after another, there had not been a sign of a single one of the women who normally worked at Vernal Delights. Perhaps they were lying low, afraid to become involved in a fracas that had already cost several lives. And then in came an old crone, a strange’looking creature, who did not so much as look at him, but merely nodded and muttered’ ‘What do you want?’

韦小宝心道：“丽春院里的龟奴，我哪一个不识得？这家伙是新来的，哪有对客人这般没规矩的？定是吓得傻了。”喝道：“快去取两壶酒来。”那龟奴道：“是了！”转身走出。韦小宝见到那龟奴的背影，心念一动：“咦！这人是谁？白天在禅智寺外赏芍药，就见过他，怎么他到这里来做龟奴？其中定有古怪。”凝神一想，不由得背上出了一身冷汗，“啊”的一声，跳了起来。桑结、葛尔丹、阿琪三人齐问：“怎么？”韦小宝低声道：“这人是吴三桂手下高手武士假扮的，咱们刚才的说话，定然都教他听去啦。”桑结和葛尔丹吃了一惊，齐道：“那可留他不得。”韦小宝道：“二位哥哥且……且不忙动手。咱们假装不知，且看他一共来了多少人，有……有甚么鬼计。”他说这几句话时，声音也颤了。这龟奴倘若真是吴三桂的卫士所扮，他倒也不会这般惊惶，原来此人却是神龙教的陆高轩。
‘Fetch us a couple of jugs of fresh wine!’ ordered Trinket, and the old woman nodded and set off again. As he watched her leave the room, Trinket felt a sudden shock go through him, and a shudder run up his spine. He jumped violently to his feet. His new’found brothers asked him what the trouble was. ‘It’s that woman,’ replied Trinket. ‘She’s one of the Satrap’s men dressed up. I’m sure she’s been spying on us. She knows everything!’ Sangge and Galdan reacted with horror and alarm. ‘Then she must die at once!’ ‘Not so fast’ returned Trinket. ‘Let’s pretend not to have noticed. See how many of them there are. What they’re up to.’ His voice was trembling. If it had really been one of Wu’s men, he would never have been so frightened. The truth was that he had recognized the old woman’s way of walking, just as he had noticed something odd about the stranger leaving the ‘marquee’ the previous evening. The two were one and the same. And it was not one of the Satrap’s men. It was none other than that formidable member of the Mystic Dragon Sect known as Doctor Lu.

这人自神龙岛随着他同赴北京，相处日久，此时化装极为巧妙，面目已全然不识，但见到他的背影，却感眼熟。日间在禅智寺外仍未省起，此刻在丽春院中再度相见，便知其中必有蹊跷，仔细一想，这才恍然。单是陆高轩一人，倒也不惧，但他既在禅智寺外听到自己无意中漏出的口风，说要到丽春院来听曲，便即来此化装成为龟奴，那么多半胖头陀和瘦头陀也来了，说不定洪教主也亲自驾临，要再说得洪教主跟自己也拜上把子，发誓同年同月同日死，那可千难万难。他越想越怕，额头上汗珠一颗颗的渗将出来。
Doctor Lu had been with (缺)ever since they had first left Snake Island together. But since Trinket’s capture by the Mystic Dragons and subsequent escape to the frozen North, he’d had no news of him. This time he was cleverly disguised, but Trinket had recognized him from his characteristic way of walking. What on earth was he doing here in Yangzhou’ Trinket feared the worst. He probably had Fat Dhuta and Thin Dhuta (alias Meatball) with him. And who knows, even the Great Leader himself. Trinket broke out in a cold sweat.

只见陆高轩手托木盘，端了两壶酒进来，低下头，将酒壶放在桌上。韦小宝寻思：“他低下了头，生怕我瞧出破绽，哼，不知还来了甚么人？”说道：“你们院子里怎么只有你一个？快多叫些人进来侍候。”陆高轩“嗯”的一声，忙转身退出。
Presently Doctor Lu (dressed as a woman) returned bearing a wooden tray and two fresh jugs of wine. He bent down and placed the wine on the table.Where are all the other serving’women?’ asked Trinket. The ‘old lady’ gave a little humph, and walked back out again. ‘She’ had not looked up once.

韦小宝低声道：“大哥、二哥、二嫂，待会你们瞧我眼色行事。我如眼睛翻白，抬头上望，你们立刻出手，将进来的人杀了。这些人武功高强，非同小可。”桑结等都点头答应，心中却想：“吴三桂手下的卫士，武功再高，也没甚么了不起，何必这样大惊小怪？”
Trinket turned to his new friends.’Brothers,’ he whispered, ‘Sister-in-law,’ (that was Blue-she had acquired the tide by virtue of her virtual marriage to his brother Galdan), ‘wait for my signal. If I show the whites of my eyes and roll my head backwards, that’s the sign for you to go into the attack and kill them all. Be careful. These people know what they’re doing!’Sangge and the others nodded. But they could not help wondering what all the fuss was about, if these were just some of the Satrap’s troops in disguise. Surely they could cope with them easily enough’

过了一会，陆高轩带了四名妓女进来，分别坐在四人身畔。韦小宝一看，四名妓女都不相识，并不是丽春院中原来的姑娘。四妓相貌都极丑陋，有的吊眼，有的歪嘴，皮肤或黄或黑，或凹凸浮肿，或满脸疮疤。韦小宝笑道：“丽春院的姑娘，相貌可漂亮得紧哪。”只见那坐在桑结身边、满脸疮疤的姑娘向他眨了眨眼，随即又使个眼色。韦小宝见她眼珠灵活，眼神甚美，心想：“这四人是神龙教的，故意扮成了这般模样，她却向我连使眼色，那是甚么意思？”端起原来那壶迷春酒，给四名妓女都斟了一杯，说道：“大家都喝一杯罢！”妓院之中，原无客人向妓女斟酒之理，客人一伸手去拿酒壶，妓女早就抢过去斟了。但四名妓女只垂首而坐，韦小宝给她们斟酒，四人竟一句话不说。韦小宝心道：“这四个女人假扮婊子，功夫差极。”说道：“你们来服侍客人，怎么不懂规矩，自己不先喝一杯？”说着又斟了一杯，对陆高轩道：“你是新来的罢？连乌龟也不会做。你们不敬客人的酒，客人一生气，还肯花钱么？”陆高轩和四女以为妓院中的规矩确是如此，都答应了一声：“是！”各人将酒喝了。
Presently Doctor Lu returned with four ‘singsong’girls’, who proceeded to sit down next to Trinket and his friends. Trinket did not recognize a single one of them. They were certainly none of them among the original Vernal Delights girls that Trinket knew. And they were all decidedly ugly. The one sitting by Sangge had scabs all over her legs. She winked at Trinket, and he winked back. He remarked to himself that despite the scabs, she seemed lively, and had quite a twinkle in her eye.Trinket picked up the old jug that contained the drugged wine from before, and poured a cup for each of the girls.’Drink up, girls! You know that’s the rule here at Vernal Delights. The girls must always drink first.’ Doctor Lu and the four ‘girls’ assumed that Trinket must know what he was talking about, and all five of them downed their wine.

韦小宝笑道：“这才是了。院子里还有乌龟婊子没有？通统给我叫过来。偌大一家丽春院，怎么只你们五个人？只怕有点儿古怪。”那脸孔黄肿的妓女向陆高轩使个眼色。陆高轩转身而去，带了两名龟奴进来，沙哑着嗓子道：“婊子没有了，乌龟倒还有两只。”韦小宝暗暗好笑，心道：“婊子、乌龟，那是别人在背后叫的，你自己做龟奴，怎能口称‘婊子、乌龟’？就算是嫖院的客人，也不会这样不客气。院子里只说‘姑娘、伴当’。我试你一试，立刻就露出了马脚。哼哼，洪教主神机妙算，可是做梦也想不到，我韦小宝就是在这丽春院中长大的。”只见那两名龟奴都高大肥胖，一个是胖头陀假扮，一瞧就瞧出来了，另一个依稀是瘦头陀，可是怎么身材如此之高？微一转念，已知他脚底踩了高塽，若非心中先已有数，可真万万瞧不出来。他又斟了两杯酒，说道：“客人叫你们乌龟喝酒，你们两只乌龟快喝！”胖头陀一声不响的举杯喝酒，瘦头陀脾气暴躁，忍耐不住，骂道：“你这小杂种才是乌龟！”陆高轩忙一扯他袖子，喝道：“快喝酒！你怎敢得罪客人？”瘦头陀这次假扮龟奴，曾受过教主的严诫，心中一惊，忙将酒喝了。韦小宝问道：“都来齐了吗？没别的人了？”陆高轩道：“没有了！”韦小宝道：“洪教主没扮乌龟么？”说了这句话，双眼一翻，抬头上望。
‘Come on now, where are all the other girls?’ cried Trinket. ‘Is this the complete roster for the night?’ One of the four ‘girls’- with a podgy, dark face-threw Doctor Lu a quick glance, and the latter then left the room, to reappear shortly afterwards with two more elderly ‘serving’women’, both of them tall and fat. One was obviously Fat Dhuta in disguise (Trinket could tell at first glance); the other was probably Meatball, but somehow he’d been made to look a lot taller and even fatter. On closer inspection, Trinket could tell that he was actually walking on stilts! ‘Drink up, ladies!’ called out Trinket, filling them each a cup of ‘grog’. Fat Dhuta drank his down in total silence. Meatball seemed to fly into a rage and was about to start berating Trinket, when Doctor Lu tugged him by the sleeve and told him to drink up and be quiet. ‘So, is everyone here?’ asked Trinket. ‘No one missing?’ ‘All present’ replied Doctor Lu. ‘What a shame! You mean the Great Leader couldn’t make it’ He isn’t here in drag today too?’

陆高轩等七人一听此言，都大吃一惊，四名妓女一齐站起。桑结早在运气戒备，双手齐出，登时点中了瘦头陀和陆高轩二人的腰间。这两指点出，陆高轩应手而倒，瘦头陀却只哼了一声，跟着挥掌向桑结当头劈落。桑结吃了一惊，心想自己的“两指禅”功夫左右齐发，算得天下无双，自从十根手指中毒截去之后，手指短了一段，出手已不如先前灵活，但正因短了一段，若是点中在敌人身上，力道可又比昔日强了三分。此时明明点中这大胖子腰间穴道，何以此人竟会若无其事？难道他也如韦小宝一般，已练成了“金刚护体神功”？其实这两人谁也没有“金刚护体神功”。韦小宝所以刀枪不入，只是穿了护身宝衣，而瘦头陀却是脚下踩了高止，凭空高了一尺。桑结以为他身材真是如此魁梧，伸指点他腰间，中指处却是他大腿外侧。瘦头陀只一阵剧痛，穴道并未封闭。
And with these words Trinket rolled his eyes and threw his head back. Doctor Lu and company, all seven of them, were totally thrown by Trinket’s last remark. The four ‘girls’ stood up as one. Sangge had meanwhile been doing some deep breathing exercises, and was ready for action. He lunged forward with both arms extended, and in one second had succeeded in jabbing both Doctor Lu and Meatball on a Vital Point in the small of the back. Doctor Lu went down, immobilized, but Meatball came back at Sangge, swinging the edge of his palm down towards him. Sangge’s skill at closing points-his Two Finger kungfu, as it was known- had always been lethal in the past, and he was totally taken aback to see Meatball so obviously still up and about. He was aware that v’ith the loss of his fingertips he had also lost a little of his agility and pressure, but at the same time the Inner Force was still there, if anything stronger than ever. Sangge concluded that his opponent must possess some extraordinary ability of his own. The truth was that because Meatball was on stilts, Sangge had misplaced his jab, striking him somewhere on the thigh instead. It had been a painful blow, but certainly not immobilizing.

这时胖头陀已和葛尔丹斗在一起。满脸疮疤的妓女在和阿琪相斗，另外一名妓女却向韦小宝扑来。韦小宝笑道：“你发花癫么？这般恶形恶状干甚么？”眼见那妓女十指如钩，来势凶狠，心中一惊，一低头便钻到了桌子底下，伸手在那妓女的腿上一推。那妓女喝了迷春酒后，药力发作，头脑中本已迷迷糊糊，给他一推，站立不定，身子晃了几晃，一交坐倒，再也站不起来。跟着其余三名假妓女也都先后晕倒。瘦头陀和桑结拆得几招，嫌足底高不便，双脚运劲，拍拍两声，将高踹断了。桑结骂道：“原来是个矮子。”瘦头陀怒道：“老子从前可比你高得多，我喜欢做矮子，跟你甚么相干？”桑结哈哈大笑，两人口中说话，手上丝毫不停。两个都是武功好手，数招之后，互相暗暗佩服。桑结心道：“吴三桂手下，居然有这样一个武功了得的矮胖卫士。”瘦头陀心道：“你武功虽高，却给韦小宝这小鬼做走狗，也不是甚么好脚色。”
By now Fat Dhuta and Galdan were locked in combat, as were the scabby ‘girl’ and Blue. One of the other ‘girls’ descended on Trinket. She looked evil, and had all her fingers curled up like hooks. Trinket took refuge under the table, stuck out a hand, and grabbed her by the leg. She was already more than half ‘grogged out’, and toppled easily to the ground, where she lay helpless. Soon the other three ‘girls’ were in a similar state.Meatball had a few bouts with Sangge, and then he grew impatient with his stilts, which rendered his movements so clumsy; so he snapped them in half and threw them away.’Well I’ll be . . .’ cried Sangge. ‘He’s just a little round dwarf!”I used to be a lot taller than you once upon a time!’ declared Meatball. ‘What business is it of yours if I prefer being small?’Sangge roared with laughter. Throughout this exchange, they never stopped fighting. They were both formidable kungfu practitioners, and secretly admired each other’s art.

那边厢葛尔丹数招间就敌不过胖头陀了。只是胖头陀喝了一杯迷春酒，手脚不甚灵便，才一时没将他打倒。阿琪见跟自己相斗的妓女招式灵活，可是使不了几招，便即晕倒，暗暗奇怪，转头见葛尔丹不住倒退，忙向前相助。胖头陀眼前一黑，身子晃了几下，只感敌人在自己胸口拍了一掌，力道却不厉害。他闭着眼睛，两手一分，格开对方手臂，双手食指点到了敌人腋下。阿琪登时全身酸软，慢慢倒下，压在陆高轩背上，正自惊惶，只见胖头陀突然俯冲摔倒。
Over in a different part of the room, Galdan was coming off the worse against Fat Dhuta. But Fat Dhuta was beginning to experience the effects of the wine, and was losing his agility. Blue (whose own opponent, the scabby ‘girl’, had already passed out) came to Galdan’s aid. Fat Dhuta was starting to lose consciousness, but was still able to sense his (new) opponent strike him on the chest, though not with any great force. As he closed his eyes, he succeeded in lunging out with one final blow, separating his opponent’s hands and jabbing both of his index fingers into the Vital Points just beneath her armpits. Blue felt herself go numb, and toppled slowly on top of the already prostrate Doctor Lu, only to see Fat Dhuta himself crash to the ground by her side seconds later.

葛尔丹叫道：“阿琪，阿琪，你怎么了？”蓦地里胖头陀跃起身来，当胸一拳，将他打得摔出丈许，重重撞在墙上。胖瘦二头陀内力甚深，虽然喝了迷春药，但这不过是妓院中所调制的寻常迷药，并不如何厉害，两人虽感昏晕，还在勉力支撑。这时瘦头陀双眼瞧出来白蒙蒙的一团，只见桑结一个人影模模糊糊的晃来晃去，他伸手去打，都给桑结轻易避过，自己左肩和右颊却接连重重的吃了两拳。桑结的拳力何等沉重，饶是瘦头陀皮粗肉厚，却也抵受不起，不禁连声吼叫，转身夺门而逃。陆高轩摇摇晃晃的站起身来，上身穴道未解，胡里胡涂的跟着奔了出去。
‘Ah Ki! Ah Ki! Are you all right?’It was Galdan who cried out. And in that same instant, Fat Dhuta summoned up one last burst of energy, picked himself up from the ground, and hurled himself at the Mongol Prince, striking him on the chest with such force that he went hurtling across the room and smashed into the wall. The Two Dhutas had always possessed phenomenal Inner Force in their kungfu, and the potion (which was after all of a relatively mild intensity, designed to do no more than reduce the resistance of recalcitrant novices in the whore’house) had only made them dizzy, it had not robbed them of their true strength. Meatball was still up (though everything he saw melted into one great blur), and still attempting to get the better of Sangge. But the Tibetan’s sheer strength and agility were too much for him, and having sustained several hefty blows, Meatball staggered roaring out of the room, pursued by Doctor Lu, who had also succeeded in tottering up from the ground.

葛尔丹给胖头陀打得撞上墙壁，背脊如欲断裂，正自心怯，却见敌人左手扶住了桌子，闭着眼睛，右掌在面前胸口不住摇晃，似是怕人袭击。葛尔丹瞧出便宜，跃将过去，猛力一脚，踢中他后臀。胖头陀大叫一声，左手反转，抓住了葛尔丹胸口，将他身子提了起来。桑结抢上相救。胖头陀睁开眼睛，抓着葛尔丹抢出甘露厅，飞身上墙。桑结喝道：“放下人来！”追了出去，跟着上屋。但听两人呼喝之声渐渐远去。
Galdan felt his back almost crack in two when Fat Dhuta had thrown him at the wall. He “was severely winded. But seeing his opponent crouched over the table, his eyes closed and his right hand wavering before him vulnerably, Galdan too summoned up his last ounce of energy, lurched over towards him, and landed him a powerful kick in the buttocks. Fat Dhuta let out a great cry, spun round blindly, grabbed Galdan by the chest, then raised him into the air. Sangge came hurtling over to his friend’s rescue. Fat Dhuta opened his eyes and stared at him for a split second, then crashed out of Sweet Dew Parlour, still clutching Galdan. He seemed literally to fly up into the air with him, and over the wall. Tut the man down!’ yelled Sangge going in hot pursuit up on to the roof. But all he could hear was the two men’s cries fading into the distance.

Roll-Call

韦小宝从桌底下钻出来，只见地下横七竖八的躺了一大堆人。双儿和曾柔躺在厅角落里；四名假妓女晕倒在地：郑克爽本来伏在桌上，打斗中椅子给人推倒，已滚到了桌子底下；阿琪下身搁在一张翻倒的椅上，上身躺在地下。一干人个个毫不动弹，有的是被点中了穴道，有的是为迷春酒所迷，均如死了一般。
Trinket crawled out from under the table, to find bodies strewn all over the place. Doublet and Zeng Rou were lying over in one comer of the room; the four fake whores were stretched unconscious in the middle of the floor; Zheng Keshuang had remained slumped over the table from the very start. A chair had been knocked over during the fighting and was now lying upside’down under the table. Blue, who had dragged herself towards the table, had the lower part of her body draped over the upside’down chair, and the upper part on the ground. Not one of them moved. Some had had their Vital Points immobilized, others were drugged. They were all as lifeless as corpses.

他最关心双儿，忙将她扶起，见她双目转动，呼吸如常，便感放心，只是他不会解穴，只好将双儿，曾柔、阿琪三人扶入椅中坐好。心中又记挂母亲，奔到母亲房中，只见韦春芳倒在床边，韦小宝大惊，忙抢上扶起，见她身子软软的，呼吸和心跳却一如其常，料想是给神龙教的人点了穴道，丽春院中的婊子、乌龟，定然个个不免，穴道被点，过得几个时辰自会解开，倒也不必担心。
Trinket’s first concern was for Doublet. He helped her up on to a chair, and made sure that she was still breathing and not in any danger. Then he did the same for Zeng Rou and Blue. Next he went to his mother’s room, and found her lying unconscious (but unharmed) on her bed. It seemed that the Mystic Dragon squad had immobilized the entire staff of Vernal Delights. With time, they would all recover.

回到甘露厅中，侧耳倾听，没半点胖瘦二头陀或桑结、葛尔丹回转的声音，心想：“这满脸疮疤的假婊子向我大使眼色，似乎是叫我留心，这人良心倒好，不知是谁？”走过去俯身伸手，在那女子脸上抹了几抹，一层灰泥应手而落，露出一张娇嫩白腻的脸蛋。韦小宝一声欢呼，原来竟是小郡主沐剑屏。他低下头来，在她脸上轻轻一吻，说道：“究竟你对我有良心，你定是给他们逼着来骗我的。”突然心中一跳：“还有那三个假婊子是谁？方姑娘不知在不在内？这小婊子专门想法子害我，这次若不在内，倒奇怪得紧了。”想到了方怡，既感甜蜜，又感难过，眼见那脸蛋黄肿的女子身材苗条，看来多半是方怡，便伸手去抹她脸上化妆。泥粉落下，露出一张姿媚娇艳的脸蛋，年纪比方怡大了五六岁，容貌却比她更美，原来是洪教主夫人。她酒醉之后，双颊艳如桃花，肌肤中犹似要渗出水来。韦小宝过去虽觉洪夫人美貌动人，却从来不敢以半分轻薄的眼色相觑，这时她烂醉如泥，却是机会来了，伸出右手，在她脸颊上捏了一把，见她双目紧闭，并无知觉，他一颗心怦怦乱跳，又在她另一边脸颊上捏了一把。转身过来看另外两个女子，见两人都身材臃肿，决非方怡，其中一人曾恶狠狠的向自己扑击。韦小宝提起酒壶，在她脸上淋了些酒水，然后拉起她衣襟在脸上一抹，现出真容，赫然竟是假太后。韦小宝大喜，心道：“这场功劳当真大得很了。皇上和太后要我捉拿这老婊子报仇，千方百计的捉不到，哪知道她自己竟会到丽春院来做老婊子。可见我一直叫她老婊子，那是神机妙算，早有先见之明。”再去抹掉第四个假婊子的化妆，露出容貌来却是方怡。韦小宝大吃一惊：“她为甚么腰身这样粗，难道跟人私通，怀了孩儿？天灵灵，地灵灵，老婊子真的做了老婊子，韦小乌龟真的做了小乌龟？”
Back in the Sweet Dew Parlour, he saw that there was absolutely no trace of the principal combatants in the recent melee; Sangge and Galdan, on the one side, and the two Dhutas on the other. All four had vanished. He turned his attention to the various fake ‘whores’, and this is what he found (by dint of removing large quantities of make’up)’ the scabby one, who had winked at him, obviously in an attempt to warn him that he was in danger, turned out to be the Little Countess; the one with the dark, plumpish face turned out to be the Great Leader’s wife, the beautiful Su Quan, Madame Hong (Trinket made a mental note that she seemed if anything prettier than ever); the remaining two were both quite corpulent. One of them had tried to attack him. Trinket poured wine on her face, and after wiping clean the make’up, recognized her with a start of amazement as the Fake’Empress Dowager.The Emperor will be pleased!’ he said to himself. ‘Well, well! Look at her now, flat on her back in Vernal Delights. It’s where she belongs! I was right after all, to call her the Old Whore!’The last of the ‘whores’ turned out to be Fang Yi. Trinket was astonished to see how big she was looking.’Looks to me as if she’s gone and got herself pregnant! Don’t tell me she’s been unfaithful to her old man too!’

伸手到她内衣一摸，触手之处不是肌肤，拉出来却是个枕头。韦小宝哈哈大笑，笑道：“你的良心，可比小郡主坏得太多。她唯恐我遭了你们毒手，不住向我使眼色。你却唯恐我瞧出来，连大肚婆娘也敢装。哈哈，你这小婊子在丽春院里大了肚皮，我给你打胎。早打胎，晚打胎，打下一个枕头来。”走到厅外一瞧，只见数名亲兵死在地下，院中乌灯黑火，声息全无，心想：“胖瘦二头陀都喝了药酒，终究打不过我那两个结义哥哥，但如洪教主他们在外接应，结果就难说得很了。两位哥哥，倘若你们今天归位，小弟恕不同年同月同日死，对不住之至！”回进厅来，但见洪夫人、方怡、沐剑屏、双儿、曾柔、阿琪六个美人儿有的昏迷不醒，有的难以动弹，各有各的美貌，各有各的娇媚，心中大动，心道：“里边床上还有一个美貌小姑娘，比这六个人还美得多。那是我已经拜过天地、却未洞房花烛的元配老婆。今晚你巴巴的来寻我，你老公要是不来睬你，未免太过无情无义，太对你不住了罢？”
He felt inside her dress, and felt not flesh, but-a pillow! He laughed.Going out into the courtyard, he found the place dark and deserted, littered with the dead bodies of his unfortunate guards. Still no sign of his new’found brothers, Galdan and Sangge. Returning to the Sweet Dew Parlour, he took stock of the collection of beautiful young ladies lying there, either unconscious or at the very least incapable of motion’ the Little Countess, Madame Hong, Fang Yi, Doublet, Zeng Rou, and Blue Girl. Each of them had her particular brand of charm and beauty, he reflected. And then there was a seventh lying on the big bed next door, a young woman of still greater beauty, a young lady bound to him by vows of marriage (even if those vows still remained to be consummated). ‘Oh my little darling,’ he thought silently to himself, ‘tonight’s the night, or Trink’s not worthy of the name husband. . . .’

正要迈步入内，只见曾柔的一双俏眼瞧向自己，脸上晕红，神色娇羞，心想：“从王屋山来到扬州，一路之上，你这小妞儿老是避我，要跟你多说一句话也不成。今晚可也不能跟你客气了。”将她抱起，搬入内房，放在阿珂之旁。只见阿珂兀自沉睡，长长的睫毛垂了下来，口唇边微露笑意，她昏迷之中，多半兀自在大做好梦，正跟郑克爽亲热。韦小宝心想：“一不做，二不休，把你们这批老婊子、假婊子、好姑娘、坏女人，一古脑儿都搬了进来。这里是丽春院，女人来到妓院，还能有甚么好事？这是你们自己来的，醒转之后可不能怪我。”
Then he saw Zeng Rou looking up at him from where she lay. There was a flush on her cheeks, and a sweet, appealing expression on her face.’Oh you adorable little doll, I seem to have seen so lime ui. you since the days on Wangwu Mountain. You seem to have been almost avoiding me. Well, I think tonight may be the night for you too. . . .’ He carried her in and lay her down beside Green, who was in deep slumber, a secret smile on her lips, as if she was in the middle of the most delicious dream’encounter with-Trinket thought bitterly to himself-the insufferable Sir Zheng! And so one by one, he carried them all in and laid them out on the big bed-even the Fake’Empress Dowager. ‘Oh well,’ reflected Trinket, ‘in for a penny, in for a tael! I might as well have the lot of you! Old Whore, fake whores, good girls, bad girls-the whole lot! This is a whore-house after all! And it was your idea to come here, not mine. So when you wake up in the morning, you’d better not blame me!’

他从小就胸怀大志，要在扬州大开妓院，更要到丽春院来大摆花酒，叫全妓院妓女相陪，此刻情景虽与昔日雄图颇有不符，却也是非同小可的壮举。当下将双儿、阿琪、洪夫人、方怡、沐剑屏一一抱了入内，最后连假太后也抱了进去，八个女子并列床上。忽然想到：“朋友妻，不可欺。二嫂，你是我嫂子，咱们英雄好汉，可得讲义气。”将阿琪又抱到厅上，放在椅中坐好，只见她目光中颇有嘉许之意。韦小宝见她容颜娇好，喘气甚急，胸脯起伏不已，忽觉后悔：“我跟大喇嘛和蒙古王子拜把子，又不是情投意合，只不过是想个计策，骗得他们不来杀我。甚么大哥、二哥，都是随口瞎说的。这阿琪姑娘如此美貌，叫她二嫂，太过可惜，不如也做了我老婆罢。说书的说《三笑姻缘九美图》，唐伯虎有九个老婆。我就把阿琪算在其内，也不过是八美，还差了一美。呸，呸，呸！老婊子又老又凶，怎么也能算一美？”与唐伯虎相比，少他一美，还可将就，连少两美，实在太也差劲，当下又抱起阿琪，走向室内。走了几步，忽想：“关云长千里送皇嫂，可没将刘大嫂变成关二嫂。韦小宝七步送二嫂，总不能太不讲义气，少两美就少两美罢，还怕将来凑不齐？”于是立即转身，又将阿琪放在椅中。阿琪不知他心中反复交战，见他将自己抱着走来走去，不知捣甚么鬼，只微感诧异。
He’d always dreamed of opening a whore-house of his own in Yangzhou, and of returning to Vernal Delights in grand style and paying for every one of the girls to entertain him. Things had not quite turned out that way. But this was better than nothing. Then he thought twice about including Blue Girl in his harem’ she was, after all, technically speaking his sister’in’law, since Galdan had become his brother. Even he was bound by a certain code of honour. So he carried her back to the parlour, and propped her up in a chair. He thought he saw a glimmer of recognition in her eyes, a hint of approval, even of congratulation for his honourable decision. She looked so lovely. For a moment he was tempted again, and even began carrying her back. But in the end, chivalry won the day.

韦小宝走进内室，说道：“方姑娘、小郡主、洪夫人，你们三个是自己到丽春院来做婊子的。双儿、曾姑娘，你们两个是自愿跟我到丽春院来的。这是甚么地方，你们来时虽不知道，不过小妞儿们既然来到这种地方，不陪我是不行的。阿珂，你是我老婆，到这里来嫖我妈妈，也就是嫖你的婆婆，你老公要嫖还你了。”伸手将假太后远远推在床角，抖开大被，将余下六个女子盖住，踢下鞋子，大叫一声，从被子底下钻了进去。
Trinket now went to the bedroom, and performed a mental roll-call’ Three of you came here dressed as whores in the first place’ that’s the Little Countess, Fang Yi, and Madame Hong. Two of you came with me, and even if you didn’t know what sort of place you were coming to, you’re here now, and you’ll have to spend the night with me. As for you, Miss Green, you’re my wife, you came here and started playing around with my mother, in other words taking liberties with your own mother’in’law. So I think it’s high time your old man did a little messing around with you!’ So saying, he pushed the Old Whore to a far corner of the bedstead, shook out the quilt and spread it over the recumbent bodies of the six other young women, kicked off his shoes, and with a little cry of glee, crept in under the covers.

胡天胡地，也不知过了多少时候，桌上蜡烛点到尽头，房中黑漆一团。又过良久，韦小宝低声哼起“十八摸”小调：“一百零七摸，摸到姊姊妹妹七只手……一百零八摸，摸到姊姊妹妹八只脚……”正在七手八脚之际，忽听得一个娇柔的声音低声道：“不……不要……郑……郑公子……是你么？”正是阿珂的声音。她饮迷春酒最早，昏睡良久，药性渐退，慢慢醒转。韦小宝大怒，心想：“你做梦也梦到郑公子，只道是他爬上了你床，好快活么？”压低了声音，说道：“是我。”阿珂道：“不，不！你不要……”挣扎了几下。
Time passed, the candles burned themselves out, and soon a was pitch dark in the room. Trinket lay there for a while in silence, and then began humming that favourite song of his, ‘The Eighteen Touches’, to pass the time, adapting the lyrics to his present somewhat unusual situation’Seven ladies’ hands, Seven ladies’ feet…His own mind and hands were meanwhile busy dealing with the opportunities presented by multiple combinations of female hands and feet needing to be touched. Suddenly he heard a sweet little voice humming”No . . . no, don’t. . . My darling, is that you?’It was, of course, Green, beginning to come round from her (somewhat earlier) dose of the potion. Trinket was furious to observe that even in her dreams she thought of no one but the insufferable Sir Zheng.’Yes, it’s me, my sweet,’ he murmured back.’No! No! Don’t! You mustn’t!’ She began to struggle.

忽听得郑克爽在厅中叫道：“阿珂，阿珂，你在哪里？”喀喇声，呛啷啷一片响亮，撞翻了一张椅子，桌上杯碟掉到地下。阿珂听到他在厅上，那么抱住自己的自然不是他了，一惊之下，又清醒了几分，颤声道：“你……你是谁？怎么……我……我……”韦小宝笑道：“是你的亲老公，你也听不出？”
And then came the Insufferable’s voice from the room outside”Ah Kor! Darling! Where are you?’This was followed by a loud crash, and the sound of a chair being clumsily overturned and cups clattering off the table and on to the ground. He was evidently trying to stand up. In her semi’stupefied state Green suddenly realized that if her darling’s voice was coming from outside, the person with his arms around her must be somebody else. The shock of this realization helped her to emerge a little from her drugged state.’Who … are you?’ Her voice was trembling. ‘What’s … what am I. . .’Trinket laughed.’It’s just your husband, my darlingl Surely you recognized my voice?’

阿珂这一惊非同小可，使力挣扎，想脱出他怀抱，却全身酸软无力，惊叫：“郑公子，郑公子！”郑克爽跌跌撞撞的冲进房来，房中没半点光亮，砰的一声，额头在门框上一撞，叫道：“阿珂，你在哪里？”阿珂道：“我在这里！放开手！小鬼，你干……干甚么？” 郑克爽道：“甚么？”他不知阿珂最后这两句话是对韦小宝说的。韦小宝意气风发，如何肯放？阿珂央求道：“好师弟，求求你，快放开我。”韦小宝道：“我说过不放，就是不放！大丈夫一言既出，死马难追。”
Green was utterly appalled. She struggled with all her might to free herself from his embrace, but she had still not regained her strength.’Sir Zheng! Sir Zheng!’ she wailed.Sir Zheng came shambling towards the darkened room, and there was a great thud as his forehead made contact with the doorframe. ‘Ah Kor! Darling!’ he cried. ‘Where are you?’ ‘Over here! Get your hands off me, you little monster! What do you think you’re doing?’ ‘What do you mean?’ The unfortunate Sir Zheng did not understand that her words were addressed to Trinket, and took them as a personal affront. As for Trinket, he was in full swing by now, and would not give up easily. Green pleaded with him’ ‘Dear brother-in-arms! I beg you, please leave me alone!’ ‘1 said I wouldn’t, and I won’t. A gentleman’s word is his wand!’

郑克爽又惊又怒，喝道：“韦小宝，你在哪里？”韦小宝得意洋洋的道：“我在床上，抱着我老婆。我在洞房花烛，你来干甚么？要闹新房么？”郑克爽大怒，骂道：“闹<脏话>新房！”韦小宝笑道：“你要闹我妈的新房，今天可不成，因为她没客人，除非你自己去做新郎。”郑克爽怒道：“胡说八道。”循声扑向床上，来掀韦小宝，黑暗中抓到一人的手臂，问道：“阿珂，是你的手么？”阿珂道：“不是。”
Sir Zheng began to get hysterical. Trinket!’ he shouted. That’s you, isn’t it! Where are you?’ ‘Over here’ crowed Trinket. ‘On the bed. With my wife. We’ve just been enjoying our wedding night! Have you come to toast the happy couple?’ ‘I’ll toast your mother’s-,’ screamed the enraged Sir Zheng. Trinket laughed. ‘Afraid you’ll just have to wait a wee while for that, my friend. Mum’s not really in a fit state to take customers tonight. . . .’ Uttering a furious To hell with you and your confounded cheek’, Sir Zheng launched himself onto the bed. He grabbed hold of the first arm he encountered. ‘Is that you, Ah Kor?’ ‘No it isn’t!’ came the angry reply.

郑克爽只道这手臂既然不是阿珂的，那么定然是韦小宝的，当下狠狠用力一扯，不料所扯的却是假太后毛东珠。她饮了迷春酒后昏昏沉沉，但觉得有人扯她手臂，左手反过去拍一掌，正好击在郑克塽顶门。她功力已去了十之八九，这一掌无甚力道。郑克爽却大吃一惊，一交坐倒，脑袋在床脚上一撞，又晕了过去。阿珂惊呼：“郑公子，你怎么了？”却不听见答应。韦小宝道：“他来闹新房，钻到床底下去了。”阿珂哭道：“不是的。快放开我！”
On the assumption that if it wasn’t hers, it must be Trinket’s, Sir Zheng yanked it with all his might. Unfortunately for him, the arm belonged not to Trinket, but to Mao Dongzhu, the Fake’Empress Dowager. Still groggy from her draught of Spring Wine (the potion’s fancy name), she was nonetheless sufficiently aroused by this attack on her person to be capable of retaliating, with a strike of her left palm on the crown of Sir Zheng’s head. The blow carried only a fraction of her normal force, and failed to hurt Sir Zheng seriously. It did however startle him and throw him off balance, and he tumbled from the bed, hitting his head hard against the foot of the bedstead and laying himself out on the floor unconscious once more. ‘Darling!’cried a distraught Green.’Are you all right?’ No response. ‘He’s under the bed, drinking a toast to our wedded bliss,’ quipped Trinket, delighted at his rival’s discomfiture. ‘Shut up!’ cried Green. ‘And get off me!’

韦小宝道：“别动，别动！”阿珂手肘一挺，撞在他喉头。韦小宝吃痛，向后一仰。阿珂脱却束缚，忙要下床，身子一转，压在毛东珠胸口。毛东珠吃痛，一声大叫，伸手牢牢抱住了她。阿珂在黑暗之中也不知抱住自己的是谁，极度惊恐之下，更是没丝毫力道，忽觉右足又给人压住了，只吓得全身冷汗直冒：“床上有这许多男人！”韦小宝在黑暗中找不到阿珂，说道：“阿珂，快出声，你在哪里？”阿珂心道：“你就杀了我头，我也不作声。”
She dug her elbow into Trinket’s throat, and he fell back in pain. Released from his embrace, Green wriggled over and began clambering from the bed. In the process, she found herself straddling the Old Whore’s bosom. The Old Whore let out a cry of pain, and grabbed hold of Green tightly. In the dark, Green had no idea who this new assailant could be. She was frightened, but lacked the strength to fight back. Next she felt someone grab hold of her right foot. Her whole body shuddered and she broke out in a cold sweat. ‘How many men are there in this bed?’ Trinket, for his part, was unable to locate Green in the darkness. ‘Where are you, my sweet?’ he called out. Needless to say, she remained silent.

韦小宝道：“好，你不说，我一呀摸，二呀摸，一个个的摸将过来，总要摸到你为止。”忽然唱起小调来：“一呀摸，二呀摸，摸到一个美人儿。美人脸蛋像瓜子，莫非你是老婊子？”口唱小调，双手乱摸。
‘Well then, I have no choice! I’ll have to Touch one here, Touch one there; Touching, stroking, Everywhere. . , until I find you.’ He was off again. Touch one here, Touch one there; Touch my lovely’s raven hair. Touching, groping, Fun galore! Could this be The fat Old Whore’ ditty. His hands groped their way around the bed in time to the (缺)

Bedstead on the March

忽听得院子外人声喧哗，有人传呼号令，大队兵马将几家妓院一起围住了，跟着脚步声响，有人走进丽春院来。韦小宝知道来人若不是自己部下，便是扬州的官员，心中一喜，正要从被窝里钻出来，不料来人走动好快，火光亮处，已到了甘露厅中，只听得玄贞道人叫道：“韦大人，你在那里吗？”语音甚是焦急。韦小宝脱口答道：“我在这里！”
Trinket’s musical explorations were interrupted by a great clamour out in the alley. Voices could be heard shouting that a whole contingent of troops had surrounded several of the pleasure establishments in the street. Presently there came the sound of heavy footsteps making their way into Vernal Delights itself. Trinket was about to sneak out, confident that these were either his own men, or men sent in search of him by the Prefect of Yangzhou. But even before he had clambered down from the bedstead, lights were lit in the Sweet Dew Parlour, and he heard the unmistakable voice of his Triad colleague Father Obscurus bellowing out’ ‘Lodge Master Wei, are you there?’ ‘I’m in here!’ Trinket cried out in response.

天地会群雄发觉不见了韦小宝，生怕他遇险，出来找寻，知他是带了亲兵向鸣玉坊这一带而来，一查便查到丽春院中有人打架。进得院子，见几名亲兵死在地下，众人大吃一惊，直听到他亲口答应，这才放心。韦小宝耳听得众人大声招呼，都向这边涌来，忙站起来放下帐子，至于两只脚踏在谁的身上，也顾不得这许多了。帐子刚放下，玄贞等已来到房间，各人手持火把，一眼见到郑克爽晕倒在床前，都感诧异。又有人叫：“韦大人，韦大人！”韦小宝叫道：“我在这里，你们不可揭开帐子。”
So it was the Triads! Learning that Trinket had disappeared from his Temporary Residence in the Ho Garden, they had gone in search of him; and, informed that he had been seen heading in the direction of the Alley of Chiming Jade accompanied by some of his guards, they made for the alley themselves, followed the sounds of fighting, and soon tracked him down to Vernal Delights. They were appalled to find the dead bodies of his guards strewn in the courtyard, and hugely relieved when they finally heard their Lodge Master’s voice. Trinket stood up on the bed, and stumbled around (not caring whose lovely limbs he was trampling on in the process) in a frantic attempt to close the curtains. By the time Obscurus and crew entered the room with their torches, they were most perplexed to find the unconscious body of Sir Zheng (for them not a dastardly philanderer, or a rival in love, but a young man of impeccable anti’Manchu pedigree, and an important figure in the Resistance) spread’eagled on the floor, and a bedstead in the middle of the room with its curtains drawn together. Once again they feared the worst. ‘Lodge Master Wei!’ cried one of the Triads. ‘I’m in here’ replied Trinket. ‘Don’t worry! But dorr’t open the curtains just yet.’

众人听到他声音，都欢呼起来。各人你瞧瞧我，我瞧瞧你，脸上都含笑容，均想：“大家担足了心事，你却在这里风流快活。”韦小宝借着火光，穿好衣衫，找到帽子戴上，从床上爬了下来，穿上鞋子，说道：“我用计擒住了好几名钦犯，都在床上，大伙儿这场功劳不小。”
They were once again greatly relieved to have found their Lodge Master alive and well, and evidently having a good time of it in the whore’house (not, as they had feared, engaged in some life’and’death struggle against the Manchus). Trinket took advantage of the light coming through the bed’curtains to adjust his clothes, and find his hat. Then he clambered Brothers, ‘I have arrested several (缺)are under detention in there’ (gesturing to the bed). ‘I think my secret expedition will bring us great credit.’

众人大为奇怪，素知他行事神出鬼没，其时也不便多问。韦小宝吩咐将郑克爽绑起，用轿子将阿琪送去行辕，随即将帐子角牢牢塞入被底，传进十余名亲兵，下令将大床抬回钦差行辕。亲兵队长道：“回大人：门口太小，抬不出去。”韦小宝骂道：“笨东西，不会拆了墙壁吗？”那队长立时领悟，连声称是，吆喝传令。众亲兵一齐动手，将丽春院墙壁拆开了三堵。十余人拿了六七条轿杠，横在大床之底，将大床平平稳稳的抬了出去。
The bewildered Triads were used to their Lodge Master’s unorthodox manoeuvres, and asked no questions. Trinket gave orders for Sir Zheng to be tied up, and for Blue Girl to be transported in a sedan chair to his Temporary Residence. Then he carefully tucked the curtains of the bedstead under the bolster (to prevent them flapping open), and sent for a dozen or so of his guards. He ordered them to carry the entire bedstead, just as it was, through the streets of Yangzhou and all the way to the Ho Garden.’Your Lordship’ ventured the Captain of the Guard, ‘the doorway is too small for the bedstead-‘Then knock the walls down, you nincompoop!’ was Trinket’s response.The captain gave the appropriate order at once, and the guards set to, demolishing three of the walls of Vernal Delights, in order to be able to extract the great wooden bedstead. Then they placed it on half a dozen stout carrying’poles (the sort used for carrying large palanquins), and set off with it down the streets of the city.

其时天已大明，大床在扬州大街上招摇过市。众亲兵提了“肃静”、“回避”的硬牌，鸣锣喝道，前呼后拥。扬州百姓见了，无不啧啧称奇。大床来到何园，门口仍是太小。这时亲兵队长学乖了，不等钦差大人吩咐，立时下令拆墙，将大床抬入花厅，放在厅心。韦小宝传下将令，床中擒有钦犯，非同小可，命数十名将领督率兵卒，弓上弦，刀出鞘，在花厅四周团团围住，又命徐天川等人到屋外把守，以防瘦头陀等前来劫夺。
It was already dawn by now. What an extraordinary sight it was (and much commented on by those citizens who rose early enough to witness it), this great bed making its way solemnly down the streets of Yangzhou and through the various market’places en route, gongs sounding fore and aft, guards clearing the way (for all the world as if it were some visiting Prince’s state’palanquin), signs held aloft reading ‘Make Way!’, all the paraphernalia of an official procession-and all for a bed!When they finally reached the Ho Garden, they found that here again the main entrance was too small for the dimensions of the bedstead. This time the captain went ahead without needing to receive Trinket’s orders, and demolished a good section of the wall, in order to carry the bed inside and deposit it in the main hall of Trinket’s Residence. Trinket had it publicly announced that the bed was transporting criminal elements, and he had a strong guard posted around the Garden’s outer wall, with bows and swords at the ready. In addition to this, he told Apothecary Xu to mount a guard outside his quarters, to forestall any rescue attempt on the part of the Mystic Dragon mob.

Bedstead Pandemonium

花厅四周守御之人虽众，厅中却只有一张大床，剩下他孤身一人。韦小宝心想：“刚才在丽春院中，如此良机，七个美女却似乎抱不到一半，而且黑暗之中，也不知抱过了谁，还有谁没抱。咱们从头来过，还是打从一呀摸开始。”口中低哼：“一呀摸，二呀摸，摸到妹妹……”拉开帐子，扑上床去。
So, there he was finally, Trinket all alone with the great bed, in the comfort and security of his own heavily guarded Residence. His explorations of the previous night had been tantalizingly cut short. Now was the time to take proper stock of his Seven Beauties. With a little hum (Touch her here, Touch her there . . .), he drew open the curtains and leapt back on to the bed.

突觉辫子一紧，喉头一痛，被人拉住辫子，提了起来，那人左手扠在他颈中，正是洪夫人。隔了这些时候，迷春药酒力早过，洪夫人、毛东珠、方怡、沐剑屏四女都已醒转。双儿和曾柔身上被封的穴道也已渐渐解开。只是大床在扬州街上抬过，床周兵多将广，床中七女谁也不敢动弹，不敢出声。此刻韦小宝又想享温柔艳福，一上床就被洪夫人抓住。
His renewed explorations were, however, even more shortlived than his earlier ones. No sooner was he on the bed, than his pigtail was jerked back and he felt an agonizing pain as a hand closed in tightly on this throat. It was the beautiful, but lethal, Madame Hong. By this time, five of the Seven Female Bedstead Criminals had recovered sufficiently from their potion to be capable of movement’ Madame Hong, the Old Whore, Fang Yi, Green, and the Little Countess. The two others, Doublet and Zeng Rou, were gradually coming around from the closing of their Vital Points. They had all remained silent as their curtained container lurched its way through the streets, partly overawed by the sheer size of their armed escort, partly bewildered as to what was happening to them and where they were going. But the moment it became evident that Trinket was about to embark on another of his sessions of fun and games, things changed. Madame Hong was the first to pounce.

洪夫人脸色似笑非笑，低声喝道：“小鬼，你好大胆，连我也敢戏耍！”韦小宝吓得魂飞天外，陪笑道：“夫人，我……我不是戏耍，这个……那个……”洪夫人道：“你唱的是甚么小调？”韦小宝笑道：“这是妓院里胡乱听来的，当不得真。”
There was a strange expression on her face, a half’smile. ‘You little horror!’ she purred. ‘You’ve a nerve, to think you can start touching me!’ Trinket was petrified. ‘Dear sweet lady … I… it’s just. . .’ he stammered. ‘Go on, let’s hear it, that dirty little song of yours,’ said Madame Hong. ‘Oh, that! That’s just some nonsense they always sing in the whore’house.’ ‘Listen to me,’ growled Madame Hong almost inaudibly. ‘Do you want to stay alive?’

洪夫人低声道：“你要死还是要活？”韦小宝笑道：“属下白龙使，恭祝夫人和教主仙福永享，寿与天齐。夫人号令，属下遵奉不误。”洪夫人见他说这几句话时嬉皮笑脸，殊少恭谨之意，啐了一口，说道：“你先撤了厅周的兵将。”韦小宝道：“好，那还不容易？你放开手，我去发号施令。”洪夫人道：“你在这里传令好了。”韦小宝无奈，只得大声叫道：“厅外当差的总督、巡抚、兵部尚书、户部尚书们大家听着，所有的兵将通统退开，不许在这里停留。”
Trinket managed a very forced smile. ‘My lady, I’m the White Dragon Marshal, I’m your most devoted servant-you know that! Long Life to You and to the Great Leader, that’s what I say! May you live for ever, and your commands always be obeyed. . . .’ Madame Hong was not fool enough to fall for this. ‘Spare us the smooth talk’ she half spat. ‘Tell the guards to (缺)’ ‘Of course! No problem!’ replied Trinket hastily. ‘If you couldjust let go of me for one second, I could go and give the order-”Give it from here!’ she hissed.Trinket saw he had no choice.’Listen to me’ he shouted at the top of his voice, ‘everyone outside! The Viceroy, the Governor, the Secretary of the Board of War, the Secretary of the Board of Revenue … All of your troops are to withdraw at once!’

洪夫人一扯他辫子，喝道：“甚么兵部尚书、户部尚书，胡说八道。”说着又是用力一扯。韦小宝大叫：“哎唷，痛死啦！”外面统兵官听得他说甚么总督、尚书，已然大为起疑，待听他大声呼痛，登时便有数十人手执刀枪，奔进厅来，齐问：“钦差大人，有甚么事？”韦小宝叫道：“没……没甚么！哎唷，我的妈啊！”众将官面面相觑，手足无措。洪夫人心下气恼，提起手来，拍的一声，重重打了韦小宝一个耳光。韦小宝又叫：“我的妈啊，别打儿子！”
Madame Hong was not fool enough to fall for this either. She gave his pigtail another tug.’What Viceroy’ What Governor’ Stuff and nonsense!’Another tug on the pigtail, and howls of pain from Trinket.The guards posted outside had inferred from Lord Wei’s bizarrely worded orders (and from the cries of pain that followed them), that all was far from well with their Commanding Officer. They came surging promptly into the Residence, swords drawn, crying”Lord Wei, what’s the trouble?”Oh, nothing … No trouble at all. Ow! Hot popping momma!’The guards looked at one another in total bewilderment. Madame Hong had given Trinket a sharp box on the ears.’Ow! Tamardy! Momma! Don’t hit your own boy!’

洪夫人虽不知他叫人为娘，就是骂人婊子，但见他如此惫懒，提掌又待再打，突然肩后“天宗”和“神堂”两穴上一阵酸麻，右臂软软垂下。洪夫人一惊，回头看是谁点了她穴道，见背后跟自己挨得最近的是方怡，冷笑道：“方姑娘，你武功不错哪！”左手疾向方怡眼中点去。
Madame Hong was not familiar with Trinket’s personal style of abuse, and did not understand that when he decided to call someone Momma, what he actually meant was Whore. She looked at him cowering there, pathetically anticipating his next moment of agony. Then before she could make her next move, she felt a numbing sensation in the two Vital Points behind her shoulders- Heavenly Ancestor and Spirit Hall they were known as-and her right hand fell limp to her side.She turned to look behind her and identify her assailant, and who should she see but Fang Yi. She sneered at her.’Not bad, Miss Fang! Not bad at all!’She aimed her left hand (still fully serviceable) at a Vital Point beside Fang Yi’s eye.

方怡叫道：“不是我！”侧头让开。洪夫人待要再攻，忽然身后两只手伸过来抱住了她左臂，正是沐剑屏。她叫道：“夫人，不是我师姊点你的！”她见到点洪夫人穴道的乃是双儿。毛东珠提起手来，打了沐剑屏一掌，幸好她已无内力，沐剑屏并未受伤。毛东珠第二掌又即打来，方怡伸手格开。阿珂见四个女子打成一团，翻身便要下床，右脚刚从被中伸出，“啊”的一声，立即缩回。韦小宝拉住她左脚，说道：“别走！”阿珂用力一挣，叫道：“放开我！”韦小宝笑道：“你倒猜猜看，我肯不肯放？”阿珂急了，转身便是一拳。韦小宝一让，砰的一声，打中在曾柔左颊。曾柔叫道：“你怎么打我？”阿珂道：“对……对不起……哎唷！”却是给方怡一掌打中了。霎时之间，床上乱成一团，七个女子乱打乱扭。
‘It wasn’t me!’ cried Fang Yi, ducking to one side. Madame Hong took aim again, but felt two hands grip her left arm from behind. This time she thought she could see it was the Little Countess. ‘My Lady, it wasn’t either of us that did it,’ protested the Little Countess. She herself had witnessed the attack, and knew that the person who had immobilized Madame Hong’s right arm was in fact Doublet. Meanwhile the Old Whore had roused herself, and chopped at the Little Countess with the edge of her palms. She was still too weak to inflict either damage or pain. When the Old Whore struck out again, Fang Yi blocked her. Green watched the four women tussling, and saw her own chance to escape. As her right leg stole from under the covers, she gave a little cry of pain. Trinket had grabbed hold of her left foot. ‘Don’t even think of trying to move!’ She tugged, crying’ ‘Let go of me!’ ‘Will I’ Or won’t I let go’ What do you think’ Have a guess!’ taunted Trinket. Green was so provoked by this, she managed to swing round and aim a blow at her tormentor, who ducked, causing Green’s fist to land squarely on Zeng Rou’s left cheek. ‘What are you hitting me for?’ cried Zeng Rou. ‘I’m . . . sorry …” stammered Green. And then it was Fang Yi who landed her a blow. All seven of the women were now involved in a free’for’all on the bed, striking, wriggling, crying. It was total pandemonium.

韦小宝大喜，心道：“这叫做天下大乱，群雄……不，群雌混战！”正要混水摸鱼，突然间喀喇喇一声响，大床倒塌下来。八人你压住我手，我压住你腿。七个女子齐声尖叫。众将官见到这等情景，无不目瞪口呆。韦小宝哈哈大笑，想从人堆中爬出来，只是一条左腿不知给谁扭住了，叫：“大家放开手！众将官，把我大小老婆们一齐抓了起来！”
Trinket found it all highly amusing. It reminded him of the chaos so often attendant on the antics of one of his favourite fictional characters, the irrepressible Monkey. This is even better than when Monkey ran riot in Heaven! This is better than Havoc in Heaven! It’s Havoc in Harem!’ He was about to launch himself again into the fray, when there was a great cracking sound as the bedstead gave way. All eight of them, Trinket and the seven women, tumbled on top of one another, and all seven of the women began to shriek at the tops of their voices. The guards looked on in silent bemusement. Trinket laughed out loud, and attempted to extricate himself from the writhing pile of arms and legs. Someone had him by the right leg. ‘Everyone let go!’ he yelled. ‘Guards! Arrest them-all seven of my wives, young and old! Arrest them all!’

众将官站成一个圈子，却不敢动手。韦小宝指着毛东珠道：“这老婊子乃是钦犯，千万不可让她逃走了。”众将官都感奇怪：“怎么这些女子都是你的大小老婆，其中一个是钦犯，两个却又扮作了亲兵？”当下有人以刀枪指住毛东珠，另外有人拉她起来，喀喀两声，给她戴上了手铐。韦小宝指着洪夫人道：“这位夫人，是我的上司，不过咱们也给她戴上副手铐罢。”众将更奇，也给洪夫人上了手铐。洪夫人空有一身武艺，却给双儿点了两处穴道，半身酸麻，难以反抗。这时双儿和曾柔才从人堆里爬了出来，想起昨晚的经历，又是脸红，又是好笑。韦小宝指着方怡道：“她是我大小老婆！”
The guards stood in a circle around the broken bedstead, still not daring to make a move. Trinket pointed first to the Old Whore. ‘This one is a wanted criminal. She must not be allowed to escape at any cost.’The guards could not make sense of the situation at all, and were thinking’ ‘First he says that they’re all his wives; then one’s a criminal; and two of them are dressed up as guards.’ But finally one of them came forward and snapped a pair of handcuffs on the Old Whore.This lady here,’ continued Trinket mysteriously, pointing to Madame Hong, ‘is my boss. But put her in handcuffs too.’And the guards did so (theirs not to reason why). Madame Hong’s superb kungfu was of no avail’ Doublet had already closed two of her Vital Points.At this point, Doublet and Zeng Rou clambered out of the pile. They had only just properly regained consciousness, and flushed when they recalled all that had happened during the night.Trinket pointed to Fang Yi: ‘That’s my senior concubine.’

指着沐剑屏道：“她是小小老婆，大小老婆要上了手铐，小小老婆不必。”众将给方怡上了手铐。钦差大人的奇言怪语，层出不穷，众将听得多了，这时也已不以为异了。这时坐在地下的只剩下了阿珂一人，只见她头发散乱，衣衫不整，穿的是男子打扮，却是明艳绝伦，双手紧紧抓住长袍的下摆，遮住裸露的双腿，低下了头，双颊晕红。众兵将均想：“钦差大人这几个大小老婆，以这个老婆最美。”只听韦小宝道：“她是我明媒正娶的元配夫人，待我扶她起来。”走上两步，说道：“娘子请起！”伸手去扶。
Then, pointing to the Little Countess”And that’s my junior concubine. Only the senior one needs to be handcuffed.’The guards obeyed. There was no end to His Excellency Lord Wei’s strange ways. But they were used to such things. None of it was out of character.This only left Green Girl to be accounted for. She sat there on the ground, her hair a tangled mess, her clothes in total disarray. She was still in male attire, but looked none the less attractive for it. She was clutching the end of her scholar’s gown in a vain attempt to conceal her bare legs from the gaze of the guards. She hung her head, and a flush spread across her cheeks.There was a silent consensus among the guards that this one (whoever she was) was definitely the prettiest of Lord Wei’s wives and concubines.This is my lawfully, duly betrothed, most honourable lady wife!’ pronounced Trinket. ‘I’ll help her up.’He walked towards her and extended a hand.’Up you get, my darling!’

忽听得拍的一响，声音清脆，钦差大人脸上已重重吃了一记耳光。阿珂垂头哭道：“你就是会欺侮我，你杀了我好啦。我……我……我死也不嫁给你。”众将官面面相觑，无不愕然。钦差大人当众被殴，众将官保护不力，人人有亏职守。只是殴辱钦差的乃是他的元配夫人，上前阻止固是不行，吆喝几声似乎也不合体统，一时不知如何是好。韦小宝抚着被打的半边面颊，笑道：“我怎舍得杀你？娘子不用生气，下官立时杀了郑公子便是。”大声问道：“丽春院里抓来的那男子在哪里？”一名佐领道：“回都统：这小子上了足镣手铐，好好的看守着。”韦小宝道：“很好。他如想逃走，先斩了他左腿，然后再斩他右腿……”阿珂吓得急叫：“别……别……斩他脚……他……他不会逃走的。”韦小宝道：“你如逃走，我就斩郑公子的双手。”向方怡、沐剑屏等扫了一眼，道：“我这些大小老婆、小小老婆倘若逃走了，就割郑公子的耳朵鼻子。”
The Imperial Envoy received a noisy slap in the face. Then Green hung her head and wailed”You won’t stop, will you! You’re still taking advantage of me! I’d rather you killed me! I’d rather die than ever . . . marry you’ The guards looked at each other in total consternation. His Excellency was receiving a public drubbing. They felt they should somehow be protecting him, but they could not bring themselves to do so. After all, it was his most honourable lady’wife’to’be who was administering the drubbing. They really could not see what to do. Trinket held a hand to his stinging cheek. ‘How could I ever bring myself to kill you’ Don’t be cross with me. I’ll kill Sir Insufferable instead.’ He called out’ ‘Where have you put that fellow who was all tied up in the whore’house?’ ‘We’ve got him under arrest, Your Lordship,’ replied one of the guards. ‘He’s shackled hand and foot, sir.’ ‘Excellent. If he does try to escape, hack off his left leg. And if he tries a second time, hack off the right one.’ ‘Nooo!’ wailed Green in terror. ‘Don’t hurt him! He won’t try to escape.’ ‘If you try to escape, I’ll hack off his hands.’ He looked around at Fang Yi, the Little Countess, and the others. ‘And if one of my other womenfolk tries to escape, we’ll hack off his ears and nose!’

阿珂急道：“你……你……这些女人，跟郑公子有甚么相干？为甚么要怪在他头上？”韦小宝道：“自然相干。我这些女人个个花容月貌，郑公子是色鬼，一见之下，定然会不怀好意。”阿珂心想：“那还是拉不上干系啊。”但这人不讲道理，甚么也说不明白，一急之下，又哭了出来。韦小宝道：“戴手铐的女人都押了下去，好好的看守，再上了脚镣。吩咐厨房，摆上酒筵，不戴手铐的好姑娘们，在这里陪我喝酒。”众亲兵轰然答应。阿珂哭道：“我……我不陪你喝酒，你给我戴上手铐好啦。”曾柔一言不发，低头出去。韦小宝道：“咦，你到哪里去？”
Green protested indignantly’ ‘What’s it got to do with these other women?’ ‘That’s obvious,’ retorted Trinket. They are all very sexy, and he’s a known sex’maniac, so if they get away and he has a chance to so much as set eyes on them, they’ll be in danger of being raped.’ Green started howling again. It was clearly a waste of time arguing with her tormentor. ‘Take away the ones in handcuffs,’ ordered Trinket, ‘and put their feet in shackles. And send for some food and drink from the kitchens. The ladies without handcuffs are going to join me for a snack.’ ‘Yes sir!’ chorused the guards, and went off to do his bidding. ‘Never!’ wailed Green. ‘I’ll never join you. You might as well put handcuffs on me too.’ Zeng Rou looked sullen, and hung her head. ‘What’s the matter with you?’ asked Trinket.

曾柔转头说道：“你……你好不要脸！我再也不要见你！”韦小宝一怔，问道：“为甚么？”曾柔道：“你……你还问为甚么？人家不肯嫁你，你强逼人家，你做了大官，就可以这样欺侮百姓吗？我先前还当你是个……是个英雄，哪知道……”韦小宝道：“哪知道怎样？”曾柔忽然哭了出来，掩面道：“我不知道？你……你是坏人，不是好人。”说着便向厅外走去。两名军官挺刀拦住，喝道：“你侮慢钦差，不许走，听候钦差大人发落。”
She turned to look at him. ‘You’re wicked! That’s what you are! I never want to set eyes on you again!’Trinket stared at her for a moment in surprise. ‘Why?”How can you ask me why’ The lady doesn’t want to marry you, and you think you can force her’ Just because you’re an important official, you think you can take advantage of a girl’ I used to think you were a fine man, a good man! Now I know better!’ ‘Know what better?’ Suddenly she burst into tears and hid her face in her hand.’I know that you’re a bad, evil, wicked person!’And with these words she made to walk out of the room.Two guards barred her way with their swords.’You have insulted Lord Wei! Don’t move! We await His Excellency’s instructions!’

韦小宝给曾柔这番斥责，本来满腔高兴，登时化为乌有，觉得她的话倒也颇有道理，自己做了鞑子大官，仗势欺人，倒如是说书先生口中的奸臣恶霸一般，心想：“英雄做不成，那也罢了。做奸臣总不成话。”长长叹了口气，说道：“曾姑娘，你回来，我有话说。”曾柔回过头来，昂然道：“我得罪了你，你杀我的头好了。”双儿跟她交好，忙劝道：“曾姊姊，你别生气，相公不会杀你的。”韦小宝黯然道：“你说得对，我如强要她们做我老婆，那是大花脸奸臣强抢民女，好比《三笑姻缘》中的王老虎抢亲。”手指阿珂，对带领亲兵的佐领道：“你带这位姑娘出去。再把那姓郑的男子放了，让他们做夫妻去罢。”说这几句话时，委实心痛万分。又指着方怡道：“开了手铐，也放她去罢，让她去找她的亲亲刘师哥去。唉，我的元配夫人轧姘头，我的大小老婆也轧姘头。他妈的，我是甚么钦差大人、都统大人？我是双料乌龟大人。”
His Excellency had meanwhile been indulging in a certain amount of reflection. Perhaps Zeng Rou was right after all. Perhaps his whole life had been bad. Evil. Wicked, even. Perhaps it had been very wrong of him to betray his own people, wrong to be the Emperor’s lackey. He called Zeng Rou back, but she only said proudly”If I’ve offended you, then kill me! Go ahead!”No, as a matter of fact I think you’re right. I’ve done wrong, to think I could force any of these women to be my wife.’ Turning to the Captain of the Guards he said, ‘Take this woman out.’ He was pointing to Green. ‘And release that man you are holding in custody. Let them go off and get married and live happily ever after, if that’s what they want.’It hurt him to say this. And as an afterthought he added’ ‘But it’s going to cost him. Tell him, if he wants to go, I’ll be sending him the bill-ten thousand taels. It’s an old debt he owes me. I want an answer now.’Then he indicated Fang Yi.’And undo her handcuffs. Let her go too. Let her go and find that young Liu she’s so potty about. Look at me! I’m a poor twice’cuckolded wretch! Two of my wives have got lovers!’

那佐领见他大发脾气，吓得低下了头，不敢作声。韦小宝道：“快快带这两个女人出去。”那佐领应了，带了阿珂和方怡出去。韦小宝瞧着二女的背影，心中实是恋恋不舍。只见方怡和阿珂头也不回的出去，既无一句话道谢，也无一个感激的眼色。曾柔走上两步，低声道：“你是好人！你……你罚我好了。”
The Captain could see that Lord Wei was greatly distressed, and did not dare so much as raise his head or make a sound.’Go on, I said get them both out of here!’So Green and Fang Yi were both escorted out. Trinket could hardly bear to watch them go. Neither of them turned around toIHbUhtKANU IHtCAULUKUN look at him. Not a word of thanks escaped their lips. They simply left. A guard came in to inform him that Sir Zheng had accepted the terms for his release, and was willing to pay the sum specified. Zeng Rou walked up to him. ‘You’re a good man! I was wrong to say what I did!’

温柔的神色中大有歉意。韦小宝登时精神为之一振，当即眉花眼笑，说道：“对，对！我确要罚你。双儿、小郡主、曾姑娘，你们三个是好姑娘，来，咱们到里边说话。”他正想带了三女到内堂亲热一番，厅口走进一名军官，说道：“启禀都统大人：外面有一个人，说是奉了洪教主之命，求见大人。”韦小宝吓了一跳，忙道：“甚么红教主、绿教主，不见，不见，快快轰了出去。”那军官躬身道：“是！”退了一步，又道：“那人说，他们手里有两个男人，要跟都统大人换两个女人。”韦小宝道：“换两个女人？”眼光在洪夫人和毛东珠脸上扫过，摇头道：“他倒开胃！这样好的货色，我怎么肯换？”那军官道：“是。卑职去把他轰走。”韦小宝问道：“他用甚么男人来换？他妈的，男人有甚么好？男人来换女人，倒亏他想得出。”那军官道：“那人胡说八道，说甚么一个是喇嘛，一个是王子，都是都统大人的把兄弟。”韦小宝“啊”的一声，心想：“原来桑结喇嘛和葛尔丹王子给洪教主拿住了。”说道：“又是喇嘛，又是王子，我要来干甚么？你去跟那家伙说，这两个女人，就是用两百万个男人来换，我也不换。”那军官连声称是，便要退出。
The sweet expression on her face was something by way of consolation. ‘Come, I want the three of you-you, the Little Countess, and Doublet-to come in with me.’ He had some fun in mind. But before he could lead the way, a guard came in. ‘Lord Wei, there is a man at the gate who says he has a message from someone called the Great Leader Hong.’ Trinket started at this. ‘Who on earth could that be’ Never heard of him. Tell the man to go away.’ The guard hesitated a moment. ‘He says the Leader is holding two of your men, and is willing to exchange them for the two of his women that you are holding.’ Trinket glanced at Madame Hong and the Old Whore. ‘Why should I be willing to exchange women for men’ What kind of fancy men does he reckon he’s got?’ ‘Excellency, it all sounds rather ridiculous, but the messenger says his Master has a Lama and a Prince, and that they are both brothers of yours.’ ‘Ah,’ thought Trinket, ‘so he’s got Sangge and Galdan.’ ‘Well, tell him I won’t swop these two women that I’ve got here for two million men.’

韦小宝向曾柔望了一眼，心想：“她先前说我是坏人，不是好人。我把自己老婆放了，让她们去轧姘头，她才算我是好人。哼！要做好人，本钱着实不小。桑结和葛尔丹二人，总算是跟我拜了把子的，我不掉他们回来，定要给洪教主杀了。我扣着洪夫人有甚么用？她虽然美貌之极，又不会肯跟我仙福永享，寿与天齐。他妈的重色轻友，不是英雄好汉！”喝道：“且慢！”那军官应了声：“是！”躬身听令。韦小宝道：“你去对他说，叫洪教主把那两人放回来，我就送还洪夫人给他。这位夫人花容月貌，赛过了西施、杨贵妃，是世上的无价之宝，本来杀了我头也是不肯放的，掉他两个男人，他是大大便宜了。另外这女人虽然差劲，却是不能放的。”那军官答应了出去。
Trinket looked at Zeng Rou, and continued his train of reflections’ ‘She said I was bad. Now Fve set two of my wives free, to go and live in sin with their lovers, and so she thinks I’m good. Being good really seems to bleed a man dry. And now I suppose I should do the right thing by my brothers, or the Leader will cut their throats. What’s the use of keeping Madame Hong around anyway’ She may be good’looking as hell, but she’ll never agree to enjoy Long Life and Eternal Blessings with poor old Trink. Not in a million years. No, if I’m to be a good man, a brave man and true, I’ll have to put honour and brotherhood above sex!’ He called back the guard. ‘Tell the man’ if his Leader will release those two men, I’ll return his lovely Mistress Hong. She’s worth any number of men. She’s one of the most beautiful women ever to have lived in this world of ours. As for the other one, I know she’s ugly, but I’m afraid I’m hanging on to her.’ The guard went off to deliver this message.

洪夫人一直扳起了脸，到这时才有笑容，说道：“钦差大人好会夸奖人哪。”韦小宝说道：“夫人，你美得不得了，又何必客气？咱们好人做到底，蚀本也蚀到底。先送货，后收钱。来人哪，快把我上司的手铐开了。”接过钥匙，亲自打开洪夫人手铐，陪着她出去。来到大厅，只见那军官正在跟陆高轩说话。韦小宝道：“陆先生，你这就好好伺候夫人回去。夫人，属下恭送你老人家得胜回朝，祝你与教主仙福永享，寿与天齐。”洪夫人格格娇笑，说道：“祝钦差大人升官发财，寿比南山，娇妻美妾，公侯万代。”韦小宝叹了口气，摇头道：“升官发财容易，娇妻美妾，那就难了。”大声吩咐：“奏乐，送客，备轿。”鼓乐声中，亲自送到大门口，瞧着洪夫人上了轿子。
This finally brought a smile to Madame Hong’s face. Trinket personally unlocked her handcuffs and escorted her from the room. Once they reached the courtyard, they found the guard deep in conversation with the Leader’s messenger, who turned out to be none other than Doctor Lu. ‘Look after her well, Doctor’ said Trinket. And to Madame Hong’ ‘My lady, Long Life and Blessings to you and the Leader!’ Madame Hong gave a little titter. ‘A fine career and many beautiful wives to you, Your Excellency!’ Trinket sighed and shook his head. ‘The first, maybe. As for the second, I can see that’s going to be a lot harder.’ He called for a sedan chair, and an escort. Then he accompanied her personally to the main gate, and saw her on her way.